low culture

If it is not too unseemly for a man of my wealth and abundant religious and intellectual gifts to complain, I must say that the hardest part of being on the run in the mountains of Tora Bora is how often I miss my favorite infidel television program, The O.C.
Why are you laughing? Who says that a righteous man, a man who seeks to break the back of the American Satan, cannot enjoy a few laughs once in a while, a little eye candy? I work 24 hours a day to destroy America and the secularist lambs that follow it like, well, like lambs. Can I not take one hour a week to bask in the comforting Southern California glow of The O.C.? Can I not spend a little Osama time in the land of perpetual summer time?
Do you know what I go through just to see the show you infidels take for granted? It must be taped off a secure satellite feed by one of my operatives, and then smuggled inside his rectum as he traverses the unforgiving Afghan terrain to whatever cave or modest safe house I am inhabiting that day. All this, so that I may re-immerse myself in the travails of the Jew Seth Cohen and the Christian Ryan Atwood? (Don’t even get me started on Chrismukkah: I love it, but I don’t even know which part of that holiday I’d want to destroy first if I had the chance.)
While I enjoy the jihad thing, the best part of my week is watching The O.C. while eating some sugar free SnackWell Cookies which have also been smuggled to my lair in someone’s rectum. (What? I do not judge your infidel food—and I saw Supersize Me!)
Now do you understand why I often appear cranky and irritable in the videos I send to Al Jazeera? I am usually mad because my holy soldiers are so often captured or killed by your army as they make their way to me with my tapes! I have missed whole plot arcs—and I would thank you not to tell them to me, I fully intend to see them eventually—and while reading infidel websites like Television Without Pity help, it is just not the same. I want my O.C., and without it, Osama becomes a grumpy Gus!
Let me be truthful with you: I am very ill and the only thing that is keeping me alive at this point is The O.C.. I have been going through the motions of hating America for over a year now (frankly, you can all fuck yourselves, I’m so over you), but what keeps me going is this show, this popular culture phenomenon that we share together.
It’s actually quite nice to be a part of something, instead of always being on the outside looking in. I do not know you, but because of The O.C., I feel we could be friends. Maybe we can IM a bit after the show tonight, if you’re not too busy? If not, I can come visit you soon at your home.
Actually, I can almost guarantee you that I will be visiting you at your home soon. I hope you have some sugar free SnackWell Cookies. I do love them so.
Actually, I’ve never seen The O.C.; I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs Thursday nights at 8PM EST on FOX.
Earlier: Other thoughts on The O.C

You need to set your away message right now because it’s almost 8 o’clock and you have to watch The O.C. because it’s Thursday and it’s on right now. Kelsey says she’ll text you later, and next thing you know, you’re down in the den, sprawled out alone on the couch, your eyes glued religiously to the sights of Seth Cohen and Marissa Cooper being introduced onscreen as you strain to hear the sounds of Phantom Planet singing plaintively about what is totally your favorite state, and you totally said that to Mr. Roberts last week when he was running through the geography prep quiz in fourth period, and he chuckled because he’s so old and doesn’t even watch TV, probably.
Whatever, because when they show Summer Roberts on the TV you always cringe! She looks just like your sister Justine, who graduated from law school at Berkeley two years ago, and it was called Boalt, and anyway she is so much older than you, and Mom always rubs that in, because Mom is 57, and Justine is 27, and you were Mom’s “surprise” 12 years ago and so you’re totally able to stay up later than both Mom and Dad because they go to bed so early. Like, they’ll probably be asleep by the time The O.C.‘s over. Justine’s almost like your Mom anyway, because she always talks about how she was the one who changed your diapers and babysat you when you were a crying infant, and she totally wrote about that in her law school applications, about how that early responsibility had made her a strong leader, and you’re so sick of hearing it, but you still love her because she’s your sister.
Also Mom keeps saying to be nice to her, too, because Justine is sterile and her uterus doesn’t work properly and she can’t have children of her own, so raising you comes a close second in her book, that’s what Mom says, and you also overheard Justine talking about it with her last year when she visited over Christmas. And that’s why Justine has a job at this place called UNICEF where she says they help kids in other countries. Maybe even Mr. Roberts would know where they are? Whatever! You’re all about Newport Beach.
Ryan is being such a jerk this week.
The Summer Roberts girl’s sweet like your sister too, but Kelsey always tells you every single Friday before homeroom how much she likes Summer on the show, and you’re tired of your sister, and also Summer, too. Maybe Summer can’t have kids too? Anyway she’s too young and she’s not going to have babies yet anyway. You hope you can have kids someday, unlike Justine, and you’re going to rub it in her face when you do, and she’s an old lady. You get bored when they cut to the stories about Sandy and Kirsten, though they seem like a cool Mom and Dad. Marissa is totally your favorite one on The O.C., because she tries so hard, you know? That’s really important, you think. And you forgot to put your away message on, and you’re still signed on, because you can hear IM’s coming in on the computer in the hallway. It’s probably just Grant, and you don’t even like him anymore anyway. You totally never did, and that was all a big mistake anyway, he doesn’t even watch The O.C.
Actually, I’ve never seen The O.C.: I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs at 8PM EST on FOX.
Earlier: Additional OC-centric material…