OC-centric Shallow

The O.C. Shall Set You Free

003OC.jpgYou’ve never seen The O.C., but you’re sure it’s pretty good. You’re gonna watch it tonight, though, since there are two back-to-back episodes.
You need to watch it, especially since your career is in the crapper and your New Year’s resolution is to write a decent spec script and land an agent. Maybe then you can move out of Culver Fucking City and get a decent car like a Mini-Cooper or a BMW or, seriously, a Prius, please, a Prius, and maybe finally get a development deal with a major. Then, barring any further complications, get laid without paying for it.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. When you moved to L.A. five years ago, you were bursting with ideas and potential. You were gonna be David E. Kelley, Joss Whedon, and J.J. Abrams combined.
Now, look at you. You’re writing questions for a kids’ basic cable game show that unwisely has the word “Cyber” in the title. In ’98 it seemed like such a great title, what with the web-television convergence plan the 29 year-old producer pitched: now, the website’s been dead since 2003 and that 29 year-old producer drives a Boxter and is developing a show with Jon Lovitz for Gavin Palone. (Why won’t that fucker not return your goddamn calls?) You still live in a one bedroom—and not even a big one by L.A. standards— and you’re not in a union. You can’t get a single agent on the phone and most of your friends with deals laugh and say they’ll call you when they need a little ‘cyber’ touch. Assholes. It wasn’t your idea: you weren’t even part of the show until last year!
That’s why tonight’s O.C. is so important. You’re not gonna just watch, you’re gonna study it, figure out what makes it tick and become an instant expert. It’ll be like when you pulled all-nighters in school: you’d spend a couple of hours catching up on all the Folk and Myth readings you’d snoozed on while attempting another round of ‘Poon submissions, then spend the rest of the night just banging out the paper. And some of them were great! One professor—okay, one adjunct—even suggested you submit your paper on The Family Guy (“In the Family Way: Stewie and Freud’s Theories of Early Childhood Sexual Development”) to a journal. You could’ve had a big career in academia, pounding out searing interpretations that turned conventional pop culture ‘wisdom’ on its head. You might’ve even gotten to write for the mainstream: Times op-eds, maybe some droll “Shouts and Murmurs” for The New Yorker.
Instead, you’re basically rephrasing Trivial Pursuit questions for 9 year-olds. You need to do something better with your life, something more meaningful.
Like writing for The O.C. If you could just watch the show, get a sense for its rhythm, internal logic, and… that third thing the screenwriter of the Justine Bateman film suggested in that Learning Annex class that cost you $400, you can do that. (Where are your notes?)
You need to hitch yourself to this show: It’s like this year’s Ally McBeal or Popular: It’s the show, and only a quality O.C. spec script can change your life—can make your life. You can almost envision your plot already: it’ll be something about a foreign exchange student from Sudan and it will address genocide and female genital mutilation. And a love plot. A love triangle. God, this is gonna be so good: your script is going to fully embody the show while simultaneously transcending it! Where’s your notepad? This is too good to forget.
After that, it’s a top tier agency. Then a good writing gig. Then a side project and movie sale. Then a producer job. Invites to Stuff parties and the “Midsummer Night’s Dream” party at the Mansion. Then, who knows? All this from The O.C.! Can you feel it? I can feel it!
Tonight I will watch The O.C.; It better be pretty good.
The O.C. airs Thursday nights at 8PM EST on FOX. Even when they’re just reruns.
Earlier: O.C.

Shallow Unintentionally Hilarious

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 43



These headline writers have water on the brain

From today’s edition of the Los Angeles Times (December 29, 2004):
“Tsunami Death Toll Hits 60,000”,
by Richard C. Paddock and Mark Magnier
Tragic news, indeed. But the disaster’s influence is also spreading throughout the realm of international news reporting. To wit, there’s this example of borderline-tasteless syntax from the very same paper:
28 Die in Wave of Insurgent Attacks in Iraq”,
by Edmund Sanders


How you, too, can earn a paltry $15 million


RELATED: “US to Pledge $15 Million for Tsunami Aid”, and “Powell: U.S. is not ‘stingy’ when it comes to aid”
ALSO RELATED: The Cost of the War in Iraq, currently hovering around $200 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS
ALSO, ALSO RELATED: “Julia Roberts: $20 Million Woman?”
ALSO, ALSO, ALSO RELATED: Fuck you, America.


Super Fun “Building Wreckage and Loss-of-Life” Quiz: Evildoers or Act of God?

ANSWER: Act of God, as evidenced by the Indonesian survivors’ wearing shorts, which implies some sort of divine justice wreaked upon those enjoying good weather right now
ANSWER: Trick question! Act of God, though manifested in that “terrorists seeking spiritual redemption and/or the annihilation of the West” manner
RELATED: Human tragedy unfolds even further as Czech Supermodel Injured in Tidal Wave, and swimsuit-issue fans collectively wail louder than the deaths of 40,000 people could have ever caused
EARLIER: Super Fun “Military-Incursion Home Destruction” Quiz: Iraq or Palestine? and Super Fun “Ski-Mask-Wearing Iraqis” Quiz: Insurgent or Police Officer?

Grave Satirical

low culture Exclusive: Christmas at the Rumsfelds’

O, Christmas Tree: The jolly man with the beard said this man was “a bad guy.”
Yes, Don and Joyce Rumsfeld had an absolutely stunning tree this year. And the duck was so juicy, it practically melted in your mouth. The party was a lot less crowded than last year—no Powells, no Tenets, no Ashcrofts, or Keriks—but it was wonderful.
Merry Christmas, everyone! And a happy, healthy New Year!

OC-centric Shallow

No O.C. Post This Week

Do try to contain yourself.
Earlier: O.C. junk.


Man, My Parents So Should Have Hired That Caricaturist For My Bar Mitzvah

Demonstrators hold posters of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il (L) and former Chinese leader Jiang Zemin during a rally in front of the Chinese Embassy in Tokyo, December 22, 2004. Demonstrators protested against China’s policy towards North Korean refugees, who face forced repatriation and severe punishment when they return to their impoverished country. [via Reuters]


Well, He Does Have Experience “Dropping the Ball”

From COLIN GLAD TO DROP NEW YEAR’S BALL, The New York Post, Dec. 22, 2004:

“Secretary of State Colin Powell will return to the city of his birth and drop the famous Waterford Crystal ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, Mayor Bloomberg announced yesterday.
“‘Colin Powell is the American dream come true,’ Bloomberg said of the Bronx-raised outgoing secretary of state.
“‘He’s done everything his country has ever asked.’…”

Yes, well, that’s been his undoing.


Does Music Piracy Aid Terrorists?

Yes. Yes, it does.
OK, OK…you’re right. Sorry about that bit of woefully-miscontextualized usage of news photography. If you’re a stickler for accuracy in reporting, here’s the AP’s actual take on the events depicted in the above image:
“An Iraqi policeman checks for compact discs made by terrorist groups with instructions on how to make improvised explosive devices in Baghdad Tuesday Dec. 21 2004.In continuing violence, five American soldiers and an Iraqi civilian were wounded when the Humvee they were traveling in was hit by a car bomb near Hawija, some 240 kilometers (150 miles) north of Baghdad, the U.S. military said Tuesday.The bloodshed came a day after Interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi blamed the upsurge of violence on a campaign by insurgents to foment sectarian civil war as well as derail the legislative elections set for Jan. 30 (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)”