OC-centric Shallow

The O.C.: It’s way, way better than getting instant messages about that new red-headed girl that Grant likes

oc_rachelbilson.jpgYou need to set your away message right now because it’s almost 8 o’clock and you have to watch The O.C. because it’s Thursday and it’s on right now. Kelsey says she’ll text you later, and next thing you know, you’re down in the den, sprawled out alone on the couch, your eyes glued religiously to the sights of Seth Cohen and Marissa Cooper being introduced onscreen as you strain to hear the sounds of Phantom Planet singing plaintively about what is totally your favorite state, and you totally said that to Mr. Roberts last week when he was running through the geography prep quiz in fourth period, and he chuckled because he’s so old and doesn’t even watch TV, probably.
Whatever, because when they show Summer Roberts on the TV you always cringe! She looks just like your sister Justine, who graduated from law school at Berkeley two years ago, and it was called Boalt, and anyway she is so much older than you, and Mom always rubs that in, because Mom is 57, and Justine is 27, and you were Mom’s “surprise” 12 years ago and so you’re totally able to stay up later than both Mom and Dad because they go to bed so early. Like, they’ll probably be asleep by the time The O.C.‘s over. Justine’s almost like your Mom anyway, because she always talks about how she was the one who changed your diapers and babysat you when you were a crying infant, and she totally wrote about that in her law school applications, about how that early responsibility had made her a strong leader, and you’re so sick of hearing it, but you still love her because she’s your sister.
Also Mom keeps saying to be nice to her, too, because Justine is sterile and her uterus doesn’t work properly and she can’t have children of her own, so raising you comes a close second in her book, that’s what Mom says, and you also overheard Justine talking about it with her last year when she visited over Christmas. And that’s why Justine has a job at this place called UNICEF where she says they help kids in other countries. Maybe even Mr. Roberts would know where they are? Whatever! You’re all about Newport Beach.
Ryan is being such a jerk this week.
The Summer Roberts girl’s sweet like your sister too, but Kelsey always tells you every single Friday before homeroom how much she likes Summer on the show, and you’re tired of your sister, and also Summer, too. Maybe Summer can’t have kids too? Anyway she’s too young and she’s not going to have babies yet anyway. You hope you can have kids someday, unlike Justine, and you’re going to rub it in her face when you do, and she’s an old lady. You get bored when they cut to the stories about Sandy and Kirsten, though they seem like a cool Mom and Dad. Marissa is totally your favorite one on The O.C., because she tries so hard, you know? That’s really important, you think. And you forgot to put your away message on, and you’re still signed on, because you can hear IM’s coming in on the computer in the hallway. It’s probably just Grant, and you don’t even like him anymore anyway. You totally never did, and that was all a big mistake anyway, he doesn’t even watch The O.C.
Actually, I’ve never seen The O.C.: I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs at 8PM EST on FOX.
Earlier: Additional OC-centric material…

4 replies on “The O.C.: It’s way, way better than getting instant messages about that new red-headed girl that Grant likes”

I’ve been checking out this site regularly now ~just~ for your hilarious OC updates, which seem to be a weekly occurence. Hmm, for someone who doesn’t even watch it, you’re kinda obsessed with the program, wouldn’t you say?
Let’s not kid ourselves, it’s your favorite show too.

it would be interesting if this creates a new critical genre, “Favorite TV Show/Cultural Event I’ve Never Seen”… thanks to hype, there might be hundreds of shows, films, even books you don’t have to actually watch to “get” their cultural significance… (ever watch a julia roberts preview and think, “i don’t need to see this, i can already guess what happens”? )… walk past a newstand and you can make educated guesses about who’s we’re supposed to think is Hot just by scanning the covers…(my local stand is putting up a sign like those old safety signs in factories: “31 days without a Jude Law cover”)… nominations are open.

You’re hanging on by a thin thread, my man. And I dig that about you.
Whenever one of my friends goes on and on about something that makes no sense and is slightly insane, I always respond with something equally inane just to show my support.
I have butterscotch candy in my shoes. It makes my toes smell like Grandma.

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