How to Make Love to Beautiful Young Women on Camera Even Though You’re Pushing 60

Are you a brilliant but insecure comic genius with millions of fans? Do women think you’re inexplicably sexy, yet you complain to friends and reporters that you’re lonely? Did you star in a movie called The Lonely Guy? Do you want to make love to beautiful young women on camera even though you’re pushing 60?
Short of changing your name to Woody Allen, here’s how to achieve your goal in five simple steps.
Step 1. Write a book about a beautiful, shy, artistic young woman who works at Neiman Marcus and dates a wealthy older man.
Step 2. Adapt your own book for the screen.
Step 3. Executive Produce the film adaptation of your book.
Step. 4. Cast a formerly dewy ingenue as the beautiful, shy, artistic young woman.
Step 5. Cast yourself as the wealthy older man.
Congratulations: you are now making love to a beautiful young woman on camera even though you’re pushing 60.
[Variety via Gothamist]


Mayor Bloomstak

Land of the Lost


Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Coming soon to your mailbox: Personally signed “I’m sorry for lying about the Iraq-9/11 connection” greeting cards from one very apologetic Texan.


Fallon Ever Upward

Comedian, Newsman, Actor, Grammy nominee, expert hair-tousler Jimmy Fallon can add a new title to his ever expanding resume: published author. Behold I Hate This Place: The Pessimist’s Guide to Life, co-authored with his sister, Gloria. The book of aphorisms (“When people say ‘Don’t worry about it-this round is on me,’ they really mean: ‘And the next four are going to be on you, dork.'”) is as thin as a razor, but not nearly as sharp.

Who knew that left to his own devices, ladies’ choice Fallon was as unfunny as “Ruminator” Aaron Karo. (Karo, who briefly achieved fame via a fawning New York Post article that dubbed him “a Jewish Chris Rock” makes fellow observational humorist Jerry Seinfeld sound like Socrates. Karo also makes misskayt Seinfeld look like Clark Gable.)
Since the Fallon siblings’ book is all about pessimism, here’s a Web site all about hating Jimmy Fallon.


Makes me feel all dirty



An Open Letter to English Hooligans

Oi! Lissen ‘ere, mates. You lot are doing a bang-up job taking the piss out of that sod David Blaine. Banging drums while he sleeps? Brilliant! Sending a remote controlled helicopter with a hamburger? Ace! Laser pointers? Jolly good!

But you need some help if you want to bodge the old wanker real good. Here are some suggestions:
Extra Low Frequency sound waves (ELF): The right tone can liquify that wally’s bowels.
Water balloons full of urine (WBoU). Don’t waste another waz, geezers. A well tossed WBoU sends a pukka message to Blaine.
Darts. You geezers got top dart throwers in your country. Use them!
Paint ball guns. These things can be bloody effective if used right.
Fire hoses. ‘Nuff said.
Bag of hungry rats. If you lot could get up on the crane to try and cut the water supply, surely you can deliver a little bag of hungry rats, no?
You can bugger up that arse bob’s your uncle, if you really try, English Hooligans. We’re all expecting great things from you.
Cheers, your friends in America.
PS. Here’s your ‘ow to: Hoolifan: Thirty Years of Hurt.


Chemical Ali

“Start with Muhammad Ali spending 40 minutes discussing tooth decay. Add appearances by celebrity guest stars like Frank Sinatra and Richie Havens, a bunch of kids, and some truly wooden dialog straight out of a dental textbook. Throw in a song that doesn’t make any sense. And if that isn’t enough for you, top it off with narration by Howard Cosell.”


Brush With Greatness

According to rucarlso, Sofia Coppola, this week’s indie queen, is “Wes Anderson, minus the harpsichord and plus a hairbrush.”
As the image above attests, Wes certainly can use a hairbrush. But I wonder, does that formulation mean that Scarlett Johansson is merely Jason Schwartzmann minus the all-over body hair and plus see-through panties? Shudder


Pennies From Heaven

File under: A Fool and His Money. Ripping a page out of the Yippie! handbook, misguided philanthropist-cum-moron Kevin Shelton shot $10,000 in two dollar bills from his “cash cannon” at a mall in St. Petersburg, Florida.
Six people were injured grabbing for the cash; one person broke an arm. “They were trampling all over me,” 14 year-old Lashawnda Marin told the Washington Post. And that was just on the line for Mrs. Field’s double fudge cookies. (High-O!)
Not a funny story, but the fact that the police spokesman quoted by the Post is named Bill Proffitt is pretty darn funny.