It’s Dr. Dean

He didn’t pay good money for a medical degree for some TV critic to keep calling him “Mr.”


How to tell Todd Barry and George W. Bush apart

Hint: one’s funny on purpose.
It’s something in the nose and lips, right? Sorry, Todd. You know, it could be worse. Warren Beatty was obsessed by the fact that he resembled the sitting President; try making love to Julie Christie while she’s thinking of this guy.


“Synergy,” circa 2003

File under: If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off.
The Believer busts McSweeney’s for snark.
It is with trepidation that I even enter the McSweeneys/Believer/”Snark Watch” fray–long is the list of (better) writers who’ve approached that three-headed dog only to be maimed and bloodied. For all I know, Ken Krimstein and Forest Aguirre are both Dave Eggers (Heck, Alice Munro might be, too), and this whole thing is just another hall-of-mirrors mindfuck that flies right over my head.
Or it’s a sad case of Dave Eggers’ posse being trapped in the Andes, eating each other one by one…


Where Imitation Meets Flattery

“When I hear about The Onion having imitators, I just think, ‘Why? Do us one better. Think of something else that we haven’t thought of.'” – Maria Schneider, staff writer, The Onion.
Disillusioned teens sue Woody Allen for deceiving them
“‘I thought this movie was going to be like “American Pie” since Jason Biggs was in it,’ said 14 year old Amy Blake of Davenport, Iowa. ‘Instead there were all these stupid references from that old Jewish guy in those black glasses about the Nazis, the Gestapo and psychoanalysis. What the hell?!'” Dateline Hollywood, “Talk of the ‘Wood,” 9/22/03
Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed by Intelligent, Nuanced Performance
“Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. ‘He didn’t even do his funny high-pitched “retardo guy” voice,’ said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday.” The Onion, 10/30/02 (archived on


Remember the Neediest

What is the deal with The New York Times and The Bottom Line? Four articles in one week? This is the sort of “flood the zone” coverage we’ve come to expect from stories about poverty (“The Neediest” series comes to mind), not an aging nightclub in Greenwich Village and its rent problems with New York University. Maybe Bill Keller is a big rock fan.
The Bottom Line shares it’s building with my old department at NYU, yet I never went there once. Anyway, here’s a timeline of Times coverage (a Timesline, perhaps?):
Village Club May Face Swan Song Over Rent by Jim Dwyer, Sept. 15, 2003
For Younger Music Fans, a Club Is, Well, History by Michael Slackman, Sept. 16, 2003
At the Bottom Line, Holding Out Hope for a Lifeline by Robin Finn, Sept. 19, 2003
Can’t Miss the Sag at the Bottom Line by Michael Brick, Sept. 21, 2003


Let’s Go To The Movies

Cold Creek Manor is Straw Dogs for the second mortgage set. While Mike Figgis is no Peckinpah, when he takes a break from his difficult, experimental films, he makes a pretty good thriller. The sounds of crickets on a silent country night were never more ominous. Stephen Dorff and his six pack put in surprisingly good performances as the Max Cady of the Pabst Blue Ribbon set. (His character’s name, Dale Massie, is even a mnemonic echo of Cady’s.)


Fairness and Accuracy in Gossip Reporting

This could be the first recorded case of negative synergy. The bully boys at The New York Post‘s Page Six use today’s lead story to take down Michael Wolff’s any-day-now book Autumn of the Moguls. It comes as no surprise that Wolff, the media columnist and resident big brain at New York magazine is a target for Page Six’s pea-shooters: Wolff won a National Magazine Award for his “This Media Life” column even though they sometimes read like fever ramblings induced by food poisoning at Michael’s (the restaurant, not the guy).
What does come as a surprise is the fact that Wolff’s book is being published by HarperCollins which is owned by News Corp., owners of The Post. Strangely, the HarperCollins Web site has no mention of the book (which has been in the works since 2000) and Page Six felt no need to disclose the connection.


Luis Premieres Tonight on FOX

Good luck tonight, you handsome devil.
Luis, 8:30 PM EST on FOX.


Durst Video Ever

Talk about going from bad to Durst.
According to the Peabody Award winning journalists at MTV News, Halle Berry (who, according to reports, just completed her teary Academy Awards filibuster some two years after she stepped up to the podium at the Kodak Theater) appears in the new Limp Bizkit video. The video, a cover of The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” (the Biz boyz couldn’t prevail on Pete Townzhend to let them zpell eyez az they chooze) and is tied to the release of Halle’s latest film, Gothika.
Actors have to do a lot of terrible things to help promote their films, but kissing Fred “EZ-Pass for the Playboy Mansion” Durst on the lips is surely one of the worst. What horrible crime could Berry have committed to deserve such treatment? Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Two quick thoughts about Bizkiteer Durst:
1. When did Fred Durst start to resemble the love child of Art Alexakis and Garth Brooks?
2. When is Fred’s directorial debut hitting theaters already?
[Link and images via]


A Tale of Two Dicks

It’s a rare and special news day when you can make two dick jokes without breaking a sweat.
World’s Oldest Dick
World’s Richest Dickgrasso.jpg
Incidentally, if you’re gonna go by ‘Dick,’ you might not want to resemble one so closely.