Categories
Shallow

In the Crosshairs

As part of low culture’s ongoing commitment to taking the fun out of everything, we are proud to present our first (and possibly last (it’s very annoying typing this in)) New York Times crossword puzzle cheat sheet. Impress friends, lovers, or anyone who is actually impressed by this kind of crap.

Categories
Shallow

“Sic Semper Tyrannis” It Ain’t

You broke up Pantera.

Categories
OC-centric Shallow

The O.C.: It’s way, way better than getting instant messages about that new red-headed girl that Grant likes

oc_rachelbilson.jpgYou need to set your away message right now because it’s almost 8 o’clock and you have to watch The O.C. because it’s Thursday and it’s on right now. Kelsey says she’ll text you later, and next thing you know, you’re down in the den, sprawled out alone on the couch, your eyes glued religiously to the sights of Seth Cohen and Marissa Cooper being introduced onscreen as you strain to hear the sounds of Phantom Planet singing plaintively about what is totally your favorite state, and you totally said that to Mr. Roberts last week when he was running through the geography prep quiz in fourth period, and he chuckled because he’s so old and doesn’t even watch TV, probably.
Whatever, because when they show Summer Roberts on the TV you always cringe! She looks just like your sister Justine, who graduated from law school at Berkeley two years ago, and it was called Boalt, and anyway she is so much older than you, and Mom always rubs that in, because Mom is 57, and Justine is 27, and you were Mom’s “surprise” 12 years ago and so you’re totally able to stay up later than both Mom and Dad because they go to bed so early. Like, they’ll probably be asleep by the time The O.C.‘s over. Justine’s almost like your Mom anyway, because she always talks about how she was the one who changed your diapers and babysat you when you were a crying infant, and she totally wrote about that in her law school applications, about how that early responsibility had made her a strong leader, and you’re so sick of hearing it, but you still love her because she’s your sister.
Also Mom keeps saying to be nice to her, too, because Justine is sterile and her uterus doesn’t work properly and she can’t have children of her own, so raising you comes a close second in her book, that’s what Mom says, and you also overheard Justine talking about it with her last year when she visited over Christmas. And that’s why Justine has a job at this place called UNICEF where she says they help kids in other countries. Maybe even Mr. Roberts would know where they are? Whatever! You’re all about Newport Beach.
Ryan is being such a jerk this week.
The Summer Roberts girl’s sweet like your sister too, but Kelsey always tells you every single Friday before homeroom how much she likes Summer on the show, and you’re tired of your sister, and also Summer, too. Maybe Summer can’t have kids too? Anyway she’s too young and she’s not going to have babies yet anyway. You hope you can have kids someday, unlike Justine, and you’re going to rub it in her face when you do, and she’s an old lady. You get bored when they cut to the stories about Sandy and Kirsten, though they seem like a cool Mom and Dad. Marissa is totally your favorite one on The O.C., because she tries so hard, you know? That’s really important, you think. And you forgot to put your away message on, and you’re still signed on, because you can hear IM’s coming in on the computer in the hallway. It’s probably just Grant, and you don’t even like him anymore anyway. You totally never did, and that was all a big mistake anyway, he doesn’t even watch The O.C.
Actually, I’ve never seen The O.C.: I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs at 8PM EST on FOX.
Earlier: Additional OC-centric material…

Categories
Grave Satirical

Four (More Years) on the Floor

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In the White House’s Roosevelt Room earlier this morning, President Bush announced Jim Nicholson, current U.S. ambassador to the Vatican, as his nominee for Secretary of Veterans Affairs. This is the ninth cabinet replacement since Bush’s re-election, and as each new cabinet member has been introduced to the media, the announcement game plan’s been identical in each instance, as the President peers studiously at his newly-nominated staff members (examined earlier in “Didn’t America Vote Against the Gaze?”).
Of course, it turns out this “game plan” has been part of a larger “master plan” carefully choreographed by Dan Bartlett and his staff…Here’s an exclusive “floor plan” slipped to low culture by a White House operative.
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RELATED: White House Roosevelt Room

Categories
Grave

Just a wild guess, here, but…is this some A.P. photo editor’s way of saying “quagmire”?

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From the AP wires: “A U.S. military helicopter lands at Baghdad’s heavily protected Green Zone at sunset Tuesday Dec 7 2004. (AP Photo/Dusan Vranic)”
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From L to R, the posters for the Vietnam-themed Miss Saigon and Apocalypse Now, Redux

Categories
Grave

And the human collateral fades gently into the background as their leaders take center stage

From the wire services, portraits of military personnel and their civilian bosses, taken Tuesday, December 7, 2004:
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Categories
Grave

Why Do We Have to Choose?

“For years now, liberals and leftists have been unable to decide whether they dislike George W. Bush because they think he’s a doofus or because they think he’s evil…”
DUBYA: A RUTHLESS, ELEGANT PRESIDENT, John “Norman’s Son” Podhoretz, The New York Post, Dec. 7, 2004.

Categories
Grave

We’re just as fucking sick of this Ukraine thing as you are, comrade

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Categories
Shallow

They can say that with such confidence, apparently, because the site didn’t actually crash

As reported in today’s Daily Variety, the “online premiere” of Fahrenheit 9/11, rabble-rousing director Michael Moore’s Pixar-animated comedy starring the voices of Tom Hanks and Christina Applegate, drew a meager 89 viewers, according to information released by the briefly-downloadable film’s website host. More specifically, “a rep for CinemaNow said ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ special, which brought in $885.55 in revenue, was a ‘success,’ noting that the three-hour window in which it was available was unusual for the Internet.”
Damn you, Jack Valenti, for departing us so sadly, and so soon! With you gone, it seems as though the entire motion-picture industry’s standards for “success” have waned considerably. Seriously, seriously waned. 800 fucking dollars?
Because it’s certainly not as though this CinemaNow website (whatever the hell that may be…I can’t even be bothered to link to the fucking thing) likely had a staff of well-paid site producers and designers working days beforehand on this “premiere extravaganza”, right? Right?

Categories
Grave

Black children love us!

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