Category: Shallow
Though moviegoers were most likely spending last weekend at the multiplex watching writer Tina Fey’s monstrously mediocre “Mean Girls”, odds are at least a small handful of devoted Ben Stiller and Jack Black loyalists turned out to see director Barry Levinson’s latest debacle, “Envy”, as $6 million dollars were somehow channeled to the film’s producers by way of the box office.
An even smaller handful of internet enthusiasts subsequently posted reviews of the film on the IMDB, including this gem, which was apparently written by Ben Stiller’s conscience:
“This is the worst movie I have seen in several years. Very dumb story, dumb humor, painful acting, hard to watch. This is the type of movie that should be destroyed instead of inflicting it upon audiences. Ben Stiller has proved himself to choose very bad movies and I thought perhaps Jack Black would have made it a good movie but he did not. I am making it a policy that I will boycott movies that have Ben Stiller in it. If Ben Stiller is in the movie it is likely a bad movie and this is probably the worst movie he has been in. Movie stars do a diservice to the audience by working on junk like this and perhaps if they don’t care about their reputation and put out junk like this the audience should boycott movies they are in. There is absolutely no excuse for a piece of junk like this movie. They should pay me for waisting my time on this.”
Categories
Chan On Fire
Has Steve Coogan’s young and promising film career already jumped the shark? After turning in a near-perfect performance in the near-perfect 24 Hour Party People, what is Coogan’s next move? Appearing opposite Jackie Chan, of course, in Disney’s summer release Around the World in 80 Days.
Coogan will star as the eccentric Phileas Fogg and Chan will play his French manservant Passepartout (at least if the film remains true to Verne). In other words, it’s the same surefire comic dyad that has served us so well in Rush Hours 1, 2, and yes, 3; Shanghai Noon and Knights; The Medallion; and The Tuxedo.
Before managing to effectively raze Clare Forlani’s and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s careers into the ground, Jackie Chan transformed the occasionally funny (and occasionally irritating) Chris Tucker into an unfathomably execrable onscreen presence. But not content to stop there, Chan went on to reveal that the potentially annoying Owen Wilson is, in fact, the intolerable wet blanket we suspected all along.
And so we beg you Mr. Chan, don’t take Steve Coogan down with you. What about David Cross or Hank Azaria? You can have them, they’re all yours – just not Coogan.
Categories
Where Are My Feet?
Alternately: U Bulbous Mass, Gorge Away, Gigantic.
That Courtney Love of the lit world, Elizabeth Wurtzel tells Fox 411s Roger Friedman that she plans to attend Yale Law School come September. In a low culture exclusive, we have obtained Wurtzel’s successful application essay. Enjoy.
Question #10: Please add to this application whatever additional material you believe will enable admissions readers to make a fully informed judgment on your application. The admissions file readers especially welcome statements that enable them to understand the contribution your personal background would make to the student body at Yale Law School.
Extremely Personal Essay
by Elizabeth Wurtzel
The joke’s on me, but it’s gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
“Lonesome Day” Bruce Springsteen
It’s been hard, I won’t deny it. And no, it’s not alright.
I must have been eleven, maybe twelve, possibly thirteen, when it struck me: I had never been molested, never raped, barely even made the object of a lascivious gaze. Indeed, I had been victimized by my own lack of victimization. Where was my victimhood? It was then that it struck me, at age eleven, maybe twelve, I would have to victimize myself.
It hasn’t been easy, I won’t deny it. I have suffered Job-like indignities in my relentless self-persecution.
I have survived dark nights of the soul when I forced myself to do drugs so that I might wake up the next morning suffering from the depression that excessive cocaine use often induces. Do you know what is like when you have to do an eight-ball of prime Colombian just to feel shitty? Really great at first, but then, not very good at all.
There were my desperate prayers for cancer. You cannot understand the compulsive, hopeful search for a lump until you’ve been there, standing in the shower, madly palpating each of your breasts as you murmur the word “melanoma.” I have been there.
It got to the point where I began spinning in circles for hours a day, if only to mimic the dizzy spells of a tertiary syphilitic.
I have been portrayed by Christina Ricci in a feature film that will never see the light of day. I mean, Christina Ricci? What about Scarlett Johansson or Kirsten Dunst or even Charlize Theron? No, Liz, we’re going to have you played by a fat, whiny actress who can’t even open a film. You can imagine what that’s done to my self-esteem.
But through the suicide attempts, accusations of plagiarism, and flagging book sales, I have relied on one certainty — my love of the law. Through all my whining, mewling, and caterwauls of privileged desperation, there has been only one constant — my desire to attend Yale University Law School.
Ultimately, I am a woman, a bitch, a lover, a sinner and a saint. Thank you India, thank you terror, thank you, thank you silence. Pity me, poke me, admit me to Yale, just don’t bother with goodbyes come morning. I can get through this lonesome day after all.
(N.B. I don’t recommend assigning me any roommates.)
[Matt, big ups for the heads up]
Turning a press release into an article or caption is easy and fun. First, take a press release, say, for example, Gretchen Mol to Play the Title Role in Killer Films’ THE BALLAD OF BETTIE PAGE; Financed by HBO, Film is Directed by Mary Harron, and Written by Harron and Guinivere Turner (from March 31, 2004).
Now, using your mouse, select the portion of the text you want to use and select ‘Cut’ from your ‘File’ menu. (There is a shortcut for this, but we only recommend that seasoned writers attempt to use that.)
Using the example press release, select the following text:
The most successful pin-up model of the 1950s, Page’s legendary bondage photographs made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography, and turned her into one of the first American sex icons.
You may also want to scroll down in the press release and copy this portion:
The cast also includes Lili Taylor (“Casa de los babys”), David Strathairn (“Twisted”), Jonathan M. Woodward (“Pipe Dream”), Cara Seymour (“Gangs of New York”), Tara Subkoff (“The Cell”) and Kevin Carroll (“The Secret Lives of Dentists”).
Open a text-editing document and select ‘Paste’ from the ‘File’ menu. Now comes the hard part: editing. You’ll want to add the name “Bettie Page” in that first sentence. You’ll also want to shorten the second paragraph a bit. Also, you might want to write your own topical hook in the beginning, since this press release is a bit old.
Congratulations, you have an article or caption. To see the fruits of your labor, check out GORGEOUS GRETCHEN A CONEY EYEFUL in today’s New York Post:
Actress Gretchen Mol dazzles yesterday as she struts her stuff while on location shooting “The Ballad of Bettie Page” in Coney Island.
In the film, the 31-year-old stunner plays the 1950s pinup girl whose legendary bondage photos made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography.
Dubbed the “Girl with the Perfect Figure,” Page was one of America’s first sex sirens.
She graced the pages of hundreds of magazines, including Playboy.
The flick also stars Lili Taylor and David Strathairn.
Categories
Dying Young
Alright, this posting is a few days late (in the blog world an eternity), but Toby Young’s Slate diary was too infuriating to go ignored. For those of you unaware, Slate’s diary is kind of like MTV’s Diary for old people who are nowhere near as famous, and Toby Young is a bald media gadfly who has made a name for himself by being obnoxious. Based on Young’s entries, however, he’s taking his trademarks – contrived spite and pseudo-impudence – up a notch.
There’s Monday’s diary in which Young very nearly asks Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to sue him. That’s because Young’s novel-in-progress, Starmageddon, actually uses the duo as characters! And from the sound of Young’s new novel, it’s pretty clear he’s designed the plot to hit as many media flashpoints as possible – the Holocaust, celebrity culture, post-Apocalyptic America, and right-wing demagoguery. Young is practically daring you to ignore this book.
And then Tuesday’s diary, in which Young offers this remarkable insight into L.A. (he’s been there a little over a week):
In the same way that other cities have been ravaged by certain drugs, L.A. is in the grip of a fame epidemic. Like cocaine, it used to be the drug of choice for a privileged few, but now it’s gone mainstream, often in a very adulterated form. The kind of notoriety that comes from appearing on a reality show, for instance, is the equivalent of crack.
Among other revelations Young dishes up: celebrities get big trailers; these celebrities also receive other big perks; Young used to live with Euan Rellie, aka Mr. Lucy Sykes (he also used to live with Sophie Dahl – presumably he didn’t find these apartments on Craig’s List).
Onto Wednesday’s diary entry and more juicy L.A. dirt! Apparently, people in Los Angeles like to drive S.U.V.’s. And somehow Young gets even more repellant – he and his wife honeymooned in Los Angeles.
Thursday’s entry – comparing L.A. restaurants with London restaurants – actually isn’t so bad, so let’s just ignore this one entirely.
I’m not sure what happens in Friday’s installment. I got through the first paragraph before the bile – the product of disgust and, yes, low-level envy – started to choke me.
Years ago, I met Mr. Young several times at MaryLou’s – insofar as you met anyone at MaryLou’s – and he seemed pleasant, if a bit self-promoting. Who would have thought the guy would get sober (relatively) and then turn into an asshole?
From the Times’ Sunday Styles:
And this week will bring the publication of “The Right Address,” by Carrie Karasyov and Jill Kargman. Their novel skewers a certain kind of woman found on the Upper East Side whose only ambition is to preside over benefit dinners (even if she goes to so many she cannot remember from night to night if she is at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Ball or the Food Allergy Ball), and to have her tiny, shiny-face photograph appear in the party pages of any magazine.
# of photos of Carrie Karasyov, nee Doyle, featured in New York Social Diary: 14
# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in New York Social Diary: 18
# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in Wire Image: 4
While we could mutter at some length about how satire is traditionally used to skewer those more powerful than you, we will refrain from commenting on making fun of those who dare to aspire toward one’s own lofty perch.
[Oddly, Jill Kargman’s apartment was also featured in Sunday’s Real Estate section.]
Categories
Tru(deau) Life: I Want a Famous Face
Although some voices have deemed this week’s Doonesbury too violent for the comics page, others have praised its realistic (though cartoonish) depiction of wartime Iraq. But where discord is sown, low culture offers peace. What follows is a revised Doonesbury for the week of April 19-23, 2004, designed to appeal to more popular tastes and delicate, war-resistant sensibilities.
It’s sure to please everyone, and unlike the war itself, offend no one.
MONDAY’s revised strip (click thumbnails to enlarge):
TUESDAY’s revised strip:
WEDNESDAY’s revised strip:
THURSDAY’s revised strip:
FRIDAY’s revised strip:
Categories
Separated at Pitching Meeting
James Brown: Funny, times two.
Ah, Spring, when a young humor writer’s thoughts turn towards… James Brown? Don’t ask us why, but for whatever reason, The Godfather of Soul, the Hardest Working Man in Showbiz inspires some of April’s best humor writing.
Take for example, this item from this week’s Onion, Why Can’t This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time by one “Tomi Rae Brown”:
Maceo! I said Maceo! Uh, Maceo! Don’t just keep saying “what,” boy. Go get that pecan pie out the kitchen. Take it into the living room. We gonna have a funky good time, and I don’t want you starting off before everyone. Bring the pie here. Right here. Everybody grab a piece—don’t be greedy now. We family, after all. There’s enough of this pie to go around. That’s right, y’all. Enough pie for all! Pecan pie! Mother-made pie! Good pie! Damn good!
Funny shit, right?
We were laughing so hard, we almost forgot about Papa’s Got a Brand New Play that ran in Spy Magazine back in April 1995. That was funny, too:
Steve: Oh Baby, Don’t You Weep. I Can’t Help It (I Just Do-Do-Do). (1964, 1965)
Caldonia: There Must Be a Reason — What Kind of Man … Keep On Doin’ What You’re Doin’? (1959, 1968, 1971)
Steve: Got No Excuse. I’m a Greedy Man. And I Do Just What I Want. [looks off wistfully into the distance] Sometimes That’s All There Is. (1965, 1971, 1960, 1980)
Caldonia: I’ll Never Let You Break My Heart Again. [she gets up, goes inside the house, and comes back out, carrying a suitcase.] I Won’t Be Back. (1972, 1964)
Steve: Baby Baby Baby. Hold It. [jumps to his feet and takes her arm.] You Don’t Have to Go. Stay with Me. I’ve Got to Change. I’ll Work It Out. Stop and Think It Over. (1964, 1961, 1962, 1981, 1963, 1968, 1965)
Caldonia: Tell Me What You’re Gonna Do. (1964)
Steve: I Need Your Love So Bad. [caresses her cheek.] I’ll Be Sweeter Tomorrow. (1975, 1969)
Yes, the Godfather giveth. And giveth. But only in April, apparently.