Satirical Shallow

It’s Legally Blonde Meets the Bell Jar!

wurtzel.jpgThat Courtney Love of the lit world, Elizabeth Wurtzel tells Fox 411s Roger Friedman that she plans to attend Yale Law School come September. In a low culture exclusive, we have obtained Wurtzel’s successful application essay. Enjoy.
Question #10: Please add to this application whatever additional material you believe will enable admissions readers to make a fully informed judgment on your application. The admissions file readers especially welcome statements that enable them to understand the contribution your personal background would make to the student body at Yale Law School.
Extremely Personal Essay
by Elizabeth Wurtzel
The joke’s on me, but it’s gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
“Lonesome Day” Bruce Springsteen

It’s been hard, I won’t deny it. And no, it’s not alright.
I must have been eleven, maybe twelve, possibly thirteen, when it struck me: I had never been molested, never raped, barely even made the object of a lascivious gaze. Indeed, I had been victimized by my own lack of victimization. Where was my victimhood? It was then that it struck me, at age eleven, maybe twelve, I would have to victimize myself.
It hasn’t been easy, I won’t deny it. I have suffered Job-like indignities in my relentless self-persecution.
I have survived dark nights of the soul when I forced myself to do drugs so that I might wake up the next morning suffering from the depression that excessive cocaine use often induces. Do you know what is like when you have to do an eight-ball of prime Colombian just to feel shitty? Really great at first, but then, not very good at all.
There were my desperate prayers for cancer. You cannot understand the compulsive, hopeful search for a lump until you’ve been there, standing in the shower, madly palpating each of your breasts as you murmur the word “melanoma.” I have been there.
It got to the point where I began spinning in circles for hours a day, if only to mimic the dizzy spells of a tertiary syphilitic.
I have been portrayed by Christina Ricci in a feature film that will never see the light of day. I mean, Christina Ricci? What about Scarlett Johansson or Kirsten Dunst or even Charlize Theron? No, Liz, we’re going to have you played by a fat, whiny actress who can’t even open a film. You can imagine what that’s done to my self-esteem.
But through the suicide attempts, accusations of plagiarism, and flagging book sales, I have relied on one certainty — my love of the law. Through all my whining, mewling, and caterwauls of privileged desperation, there has been only one constant — my desire to attend Yale University Law School.
Ultimately, I am a woman, a bitch, a lover, a sinner and a saint. Thank you India, thank you terror, thank you, thank you silence. Pity me, poke me, admit me to Yale, just don’t bother with goodbyes come morning. I can get through this lonesome day after all.
(N.B. I don’t recommend assigning me any roommates.)
[Matt, big ups for the heads up]

13 replies on “It’s Legally Blonde Meets the Bell Jar!”

Didn’t we know the whole Wurtzel media mindfuck was going to play itself out this way? I mean, why wouldn’t a whiny self indulgent, self obsessed person like her become a lawyer.

I don’t think someone too crazy to handle the job of eccentric writer is going to be much of a lawyer.

Have never heard of her before. Searched her full name and found a brief interview.
At the least she is refreshing in that she isn’t a spoke in the wheel of; the war on …, liberals, conservatives, neocons, religion, suv.s, zoloft.
I love it when writers include ignored reality as nuance. When she mentions the after cocaine use depression she is actually making a valuable point about brain chemistry and human behavior. By making it as an adjunct to her overall letter it flys into the unconcious mind of the reader. The reader isn’t forced to confront the idea and therefore won’t be inclined to deny it and discard it.
I can only assume that she pushes some “buttons” or mainstream (devisive) issues because of the reaction to her.
She seems like a clever writer, an island in a world of “taking sides” automation.
Wonder how much influence that book cover photo has on opinion.

sweet. they rejected me this year. (only law school to do so). glad to know they’re taking such stellar applicants over me.

Dry up those tears Bitter, she’s a very clever tit!
You could always open a book store that doesn’t sell her books. Name it; “B’s Books Not Written By ELIZABETH WURTZEL.”
Sorry you were molested as a child.

This woman needs help – i.e. a smack in the face. I feel so sorry for her Yale ass, really I do. I mean, when a film is made based on your book and you’re making pleeenty of money off of it, the natural thing to do is make fun of the actress who plays you, and then name the lesser quality actresses who you want to play you instead. That’s what I do. Did it occur to Miss Wurtzel that perhaps Ricci was playing a fat whiny character? Based on….Wurtzel? Does anyone else see this? Anyone? This woman is disgustingly self absorbed and fat and whiny. Good luck with her future as a prostitute with poetic aspirations and Yale degree worthy to wipe my ass with.

I think she the target of misdirected anger, a truly primal and annoying practice of behavior. People don’t have the power to confront/understand what really oppresses them so instead of focusing on their employers or preachers or govenors they find a Scapegoat like this wacky rich girl.
Granted her rants are probably self adsorbed and “been done before for each generation” but who gives a flying fuck factory? Maybe a journalism student or blogger would be compelled to jump at anyone/anything that treads into their “familiar” territory but does that justify whining about this whining cracker head?
If true some of things this gal did to herself are truly tragic, that girl was lost and lucky to survive apparently intact.
Maybe the crux is deeper, maybe she gets attention and money because she qualifies by default, by being priveleged or middle-class-upper?
From what I’ve heard the last thing she may need is the elite atmosphere at Yale, she may end up crushing pills again.
I also think her looks set her up as a target for jealousy (both male and female). She could be the sexy female most guys can’t get and the hot cunt most gals will never be. BURN HER, BURN HER AT THE STAKE, WITCH, BURN HER!
Thank You for CSPAN.

She seems a little callous and insensitive. I haven’t read any of her books yet but I’ll check them out. She doesn’t seem like she’s any kind of fun to be around, poor thing…kind of jaded and blunted at the edges.

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