Ripley-esque George W. and Weirdo-esque John Malkovich
Author: guy
Quest Love
Quest Magazine (not to be confused with the bimonthly about living with neuromuscular disease) features in its April issue The Quest 400, their annual list of Manhattan’s social elite. The 400, like all of Quest Magazine, does not concern itself with the sordid worlds of show business or pro sports (too many minorities, presumably). No, we are offered only an alphabetized list of Manhattan’s Botox-Boomers, old-money layabouts and John Jacob Astor descendants.
The list was compiled by Quest editor David Patrick Columbia, also known for the dangerously compelling New York Social Diary. Unfortunately the good Mr. Columbia finds no need to explain why or how he determined who gets on the list and who’s left out. In fact, all we get is a White Pages of people with last names like Biddle, Hearst and Pulitzer. Its complete lack of context recalls The Spy List — Spy Magazine’s mysterious column listing only a series of proper names.
As tribute to both of these formidable publications, we are proud to present
Montgomery Clift
Tatianna von Furstenberg
J.P. Getty
Brad Renfro
Horatio Sanz
Bijou Phillips
James Murdoch
Nia Vardalos
I Hate Him and Want Him To Die
The endlessly irritating James Frey is at it again. Today’s issue of Black Table asks some writers for their thoughts on Kurt Cobain — he killed himself (or did he?) ten years ago today. Frey’s contribution is a little three-act about his ever-shifting opinion of Nirvana. From Act III:
On the first anniversary of his death, I went with a friend to a house in Wicker Park, Chicago. An altar had been set-up with Cobain’s picture, some candles, a hypodermic, a bindle of dope and a small pile of letters addressed to him. A Nirvana disc was in the stereo. There were 10 or 12 people, several were crying…
My nausea had become unbearable, so I skimmed ahead. Spotting “lame,” I felt some relief. But it was not to last:
At that moment, I stopped thinking Nirvana was lame. I stopped thinking Nirvana was a creation of MTV. I realized Cobain spoke for a lot of people, changed a lot of lives, touched an untold number. I bought In Utero the next day, listened to it. I realized maybe Cobain spoke for me as well.
Frey’s little sampler of idiocy brings to mind Martin Amis’ essay on John Lennon from Vising Mrs. Nabokov. Amazon won’t let me “Search Inside The Book” and I can’t find my copy, so I’ve got to paraphrase here. Speaking of the maudlin vigil held after Lennon’s death, Amis writes that if Lennon were still alive, he’d probably be the first person making fun of these people.
Jennifer ’98 Lee
Jennifer 8. Lee is the New York Times comer known for her networking skills the New York Sun has gone so far as to suggest that Lee is the second coming of Katharine Graham. And though the comparison may be apposite, it’s unlikely the legendary Washington Post editrix ever used Yahoo Groups to help report her stories.
While the Harvard98 Yahoo Group typically traffics in less-than-rousing political banter and questions about housing in Dallas, subscribers are occasionally met with queries from Jenny 8. herself.
Most recently Jenny inquired about people scared to eat fish because of mercury levels; it’s fair to assume we can expect a Times article on that very topic in the near future.
Don’t believe it? Well consider the following email sent to the Harvard98 group on April 12, 2003:
From: “Jennifer 8. Lee”
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 08:06:03 -0700 (PDT)
To: harvard98@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [harvard98] SARS: affected by sars in seattle (SF/LA)
this has to be one of the stranger requests i have made to this list
does anyone know of people in seattle (most likely with links to asia) who is thinking of/affected by SARS. that is (not in parallel structure), family there, school exchanges that were cancelled, business trips that have been cancelled, local tourist business that is down, quarantined etc.
and if not seattle, people in San Fran and Los Angeles would be good too.
thanks,
jenny
And then treat yourself to her article in the New York Times four days later, In U.S., Fear Is Spreading Faster Than SARS, datelined April 16, 2003 and reported by Jennifer 8. Lee. From the article: Back in Seattle, though, concerns among co-workers led several employers to ask the participants to work from home
Still don’t believe it? Well screw you.
This is not the first time Jenny 8.s Harvard cronies have assisted her. Wonkette has bravely exposed the shadowy cabal of former classmates who have helped make Jennifer 8. Lee the heir to D.C. royalty. The master’s house continues to burn.
Calm, Supercool and Collected
Jack White (not to be confused with Jack Black, natch), aka The Coolest Man Alive, has apparently caught the acting bug. First came his appearance in the Acadamy Award nominated film Cold Mountain, now he’s appearing in the new movie from Jim Jarmusch, another cool man alive. Cigarettes and Coffee is coming out this spring. From the trailers, it looks like White is hanging out, smoking the aforementioned cigarettes and drinking the aforementioned coffee with his sister/ex-wife (which is it?) Meg White, one of the hottest indie rockers this side of Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, a truly Buzzworthy band.
Speaking of which, another supercool band *stellastar (that’s not a typo btw, that’s the way it’s spelled) seems to be gathering a lot of steam themselves. They haven’t hit the Buzzworthy tip yet, but it’s definitely going to happen soon. After getting a glowing writeup in yesterday’s New York Post, could a glowing review from New York Times tastemaker/supercool midget Neil Strauss be far behind? It’s only a matter of time, kids.
And speaking of uncool, I had another dream about Alan Alda last night. How uncool is that?
WTF Alert
Did you see this thing in the New York Press about the 50 most loathsome New Yorkers? For some reason Choire Sicha of Gawker was listed as the 15th most annoying New Yorker in the world. I couldn’t believe the entry after I read it either. His name is pronounced Corey?
Suprise, Surprise
Speaking of black people, did anyone else realize that Elvis Mitchell, the New York Times film reviewer, is black? That’s a picture of him to the left — definitely black, right? When I heard that, I was just as surprised as when I learned that another New York Times film reviewer, A.O. (aka Tony) Scott, is actually film director Ridley Scott’s brother. And that Tony Scott is a director himself!
While the New York Times is busy forcing harmless food critics to reveal that Jean-Georges Vongehsomething blurbed her book, why isn’t anyone making Tony Scott reveal that he’s the guy who directed The Last Boy Scout and is now making presumably conflict-of-interest-less reviews? And, he’s English. Clearly, the master’s house is still burning.
Apple of My Ass
Ecch, I’m so hungover at my cubicle right now, I don’t think I’ll manage many posts today. I’m not even sure how I’m going to manage today’s workload at the anonymous investment banking firm where I am employed. At this point all I know is, when you’ve had four apple martinis, you should never opt for the fifth. That’s the last time I go out with Jeep and his friends on a school night. I think I broke something in my brain.
El Coincidencio
So I’m taking the L train to work this morning and I could swear that I was sitting next to this girl I met at Max Fish on Saturday.
Back to the Future
El Pidio and I have become obsessed with playing a game we have tentatively titled, “Where will they be in the future?” The game borrows its structure from that “Where Are They Now?” show that Pids and I haven’t been able to turn off. But the idea is that you’re playing “Where are they now?” twenty years in the future. Which of today’s stars are bound to fall off the face of the earth? And where will they be?
Here are some of our ideas for where some stars will be in 20 years. Feel free to contribute your own.
“Queer” Carson — Doing his own show in Branford
Paris Hilton — Doing her own show in Branford
Donald Trump — Still firing people!
Pam Anderson — Astronaut
Simon Cowell — Crazy homeless person
That guy from “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” — Car Salesman
And here’s where they’ll probably be in fifty years:
“Queer” Carson — Dead
Paris Hilton — Dead
Donald Trump — Still firing people!
Pam Anderson — Dead
Simon Cowell — Dead
That guy from “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” — Dead