That Courtney Love of the lit world, Elizabeth Wurtzel tells Fox 411s Roger Friedman that she plans to attend Yale Law School come September. In a low culture exclusive, we have obtained Wurtzel’s successful application essay. Enjoy.
Question #10: Please add to this application whatever additional material you believe will enable admissions readers to make a fully informed judgment on your application. The admissions file readers especially welcome statements that enable them to understand the contribution your personal background would make to the student body at Yale Law School.
Extremely Personal Essay
by Elizabeth Wurtzel
The joke’s on me, but it’s gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
“Lonesome Day” Bruce Springsteen
It’s been hard, I won’t deny it. And no, it’s not alright.
I must have been eleven, maybe twelve, possibly thirteen, when it struck me: I had never been molested, never raped, barely even made the object of a lascivious gaze. Indeed, I had been victimized by my own lack of victimization. Where was my victimhood? It was then that it struck me, at age eleven, maybe twelve, I would have to victimize myself.
It hasn’t been easy, I won’t deny it. I have suffered Job-like indignities in my relentless self-persecution.
I have survived dark nights of the soul when I forced myself to do drugs so that I might wake up the next morning suffering from the depression that excessive cocaine use often induces. Do you know what is like when you have to do an eight-ball of prime Colombian just to feel shitty? Really great at first, but then, not very good at all.
There were my desperate prayers for cancer. You cannot understand the compulsive, hopeful search for a lump until you’ve been there, standing in the shower, madly palpating each of your breasts as you murmur the word “melanoma.” I have been there.
It got to the point where I began spinning in circles for hours a day, if only to mimic the dizzy spells of a tertiary syphilitic.
I have been portrayed by Christina Ricci in a feature film that will never see the light of day. I mean, Christina Ricci? What about Scarlett Johansson or Kirsten Dunst or even Charlize Theron? No, Liz, we’re going to have you played by a fat, whiny actress who can’t even open a film. You can imagine what that’s done to my self-esteem.
But through the suicide attempts, accusations of plagiarism, and flagging book sales, I have relied on one certainty — my love of the law. Through all my whining, mewling, and caterwauls of privileged desperation, there has been only one constant — my desire to attend Yale University Law School.
Ultimately, I am a woman, a bitch, a lover, a sinner and a saint. Thank you India, thank you terror, thank you, thank you silence. Pity me, poke me, admit me to Yale, just don’t bother with goodbyes come morning. I can get through this lonesome day after all.
(N.B. I don’t recommend assigning me any roommates.)
[Matt, big ups for the heads up]
Author: guy
Categories
Dying Young
Alright, this posting is a few days late (in the blog world an eternity), but Toby Young’s Slate diary was too infuriating to go ignored. For those of you unaware, Slate’s diary is kind of like MTV’s Diary for old people who are nowhere near as famous, and Toby Young is a bald media gadfly who has made a name for himself by being obnoxious. Based on Young’s entries, however, he’s taking his trademarks – contrived spite and pseudo-impudence – up a notch.
There’s Monday’s diary in which Young very nearly asks Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to sue him. That’s because Young’s novel-in-progress, Starmageddon, actually uses the duo as characters! And from the sound of Young’s new novel, it’s pretty clear he’s designed the plot to hit as many media flashpoints as possible – the Holocaust, celebrity culture, post-Apocalyptic America, and right-wing demagoguery. Young is practically daring you to ignore this book.
And then Tuesday’s diary, in which Young offers this remarkable insight into L.A. (he’s been there a little over a week):
In the same way that other cities have been ravaged by certain drugs, L.A. is in the grip of a fame epidemic. Like cocaine, it used to be the drug of choice for a privileged few, but now it’s gone mainstream, often in a very adulterated form. The kind of notoriety that comes from appearing on a reality show, for instance, is the equivalent of crack.
Among other revelations Young dishes up: celebrities get big trailers; these celebrities also receive other big perks; Young used to live with Euan Rellie, aka Mr. Lucy Sykes (he also used to live with Sophie Dahl – presumably he didn’t find these apartments on Craig’s List).
Onto Wednesday’s diary entry and more juicy L.A. dirt! Apparently, people in Los Angeles like to drive S.U.V.’s. And somehow Young gets even more repellant – he and his wife honeymooned in Los Angeles.
Thursday’s entry – comparing L.A. restaurants with London restaurants – actually isn’t so bad, so let’s just ignore this one entirely.
I’m not sure what happens in Friday’s installment. I got through the first paragraph before the bile – the product of disgust and, yes, low-level envy – started to choke me.
Years ago, I met Mr. Young several times at MaryLou’s – insofar as you met anyone at MaryLou’s – and he seemed pleasant, if a bit self-promoting. Who would have thought the guy would get sober (relatively) and then turn into an asshole?
From the Times’ Sunday Styles:
And this week will bring the publication of “The Right Address,” by Carrie Karasyov and Jill Kargman. Their novel skewers a certain kind of woman found on the Upper East Side whose only ambition is to preside over benefit dinners (even if she goes to so many she cannot remember from night to night if she is at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Ball or the Food Allergy Ball), and to have her tiny, shiny-face photograph appear in the party pages of any magazine.
# of photos of Carrie Karasyov, nee Doyle, featured in New York Social Diary: 14
# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in New York Social Diary: 18
# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in Wire Image: 4
While we could mutter at some length about how satire is traditionally used to skewer those more powerful than you, we will refrain from commenting on making fun of those who dare to aspire toward one’s own lofty perch.
[Oddly, Jill Kargman’s apartment was also featured in Sunday’s Real Estate section.]
Categories
Tru(deau) Life: I Want a Famous Face
Although some voices have deemed this week’s Doonesbury too violent for the comics page, others have praised its realistic (though cartoonish) depiction of wartime Iraq. But where discord is sown, low culture offers peace. What follows is a revised Doonesbury for the week of April 19-23, 2004, designed to appeal to more popular tastes and delicate, war-resistant sensibilities.
It’s sure to please everyone, and unlike the war itself, offend no one.
MONDAY’s revised strip (click thumbnails to enlarge):
TUESDAY’s revised strip:
WEDNESDAY’s revised strip:
THURSDAY’s revised strip:
FRIDAY’s revised strip:
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Girly-Boys Gone Wild
It is clear — the time has come for the MetroSexual Anti-Defamation League. As this casting call should reveal, those simpering, moisturizing girly-boys are about to be subjected to the sadistic imaginations of reality show producers. Have we learned nothing from Playing It Straight?
We’re looking for guys, 21-35, to star in an upcoming reality series for a major cable network. He just needs to be for adventure — and extremely UN-manly.
WHAT KINDS OF GUYS ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
We want to hear about any guy you’d consider extremely UN-manly — the guy who needs to get in touch with his more primal side (and has a sense of humor). It could be a mamma’s boy, metrosexual, or minivan-driving carpool dad. Think George Costanza, Frasier Crane or Raymond without the whole everyone loving him part. Any version of modern emasculated man will be more than welcome. Be creative and have fun with it! To spark your imagination, here are a few examples:
Ladies, it could be your
…husband who’s painted NASCAR stripes on the minivan.
…new-age vegan ex who’s been so busy trying to save the world, he’s never experienced it.
…metrosexual boyfriend who thinks he’s prettier than you.
Guys, it could be
…the one guy that you and your buddies all think needs to grow a set.
…your old friend who’s serving time as a middle manager in a suburban office park.
…your trust fund college roommate who’s never had to work a day in his life.
…the guy in the office who’s over 30, still lives at home and has his clothes laid out for him. He may or may not be a virgin.
Interested applicants or angry wimps can find more information here. We’re assuming the show will air on FX.
Categories
Dorff on Britney
If you were dating Dorff, you’d kill yourself too.
[Click on Dorff for the full video.]
Categories
I’m Lovin’ Shit
In a major press conference yesterday, McDonald’s, alongside Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, unveiled a new line of “Go Active” meals – the fast-food giant’s response to having created a nation of fatties. Not only will these adult “Happy Meals” contain bottled water, McDonald’s will also include a brochure encouraging adults to walk more. With this bold move McDonald’s has made it clear – the obesity epidemic ends here. Or as Secretary Tom Tom put it, “It’s important to recognize companies doing the right thing.”
If McDonald’s adult campaign is anywhere near as exhaustive or successful as their children’s crusade, we may be certain that “Go Active” will have absolutely no impact at all. 
The What’s On Your Plate program encourages kids to stay fit through a variety of techniques intended to teach them “how to maintain a balanced diet and enjoy a healthy lifestyle. By talking to kids in their language, [it] tackles important questions such as, ‘Is it ok to eat cake everyday?’ and ‘Why does mom want me to eat all different foods?'” That’s right, the important questions.
“What’s On Your Plate’s” mascot is Willie Munchright, who looks more like he should feature in an animated version of Super Size Me than any anti-obesity campaign. Pasty and pale Master Munchright has dark bags under his eyes; he also appears to be losing his hair. He’s a kind of Edward Gorey vision of the average McDonald’s consumer. But with answers like these appearing on the McDonald’s website, who could be surprised that little Willie’s HDL might be a little high?
Q: Can McDonald’s food be part of a healthy, balanced diet?
A: Yes. Many nutrition professionals agree that McDonald’s food can be part of a healthy diet based on the sound nutrition principles of balance, variety and moderation.
Q: What role does fast food play in obesity?
A: Health experts the world over – including the World Health Organization, the U.S. Surgeon General and the American Dietetic Association – agree that no single factor is responsible for obesity.
On May 6, “Go Active” meals will be available in McDonald’s nationwide. And if these exciting steps forward really do change America’s eating habits, we can all look forward to a summer filled with even more toned hardbodies than usual.
Categories
As Seen on Cinemax After Dark…
From an interview with Alexandra Robbins, author of Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities:
[The sorority] had a tradition called boob ranking where pledges had just a limited amount of time to strip off their shirt and bras to examine each other topless so that by the time the clock was up, they were basically lined up in order of chest size in order of [sic] the sisters to inspect. Some sororities hold what they call “naked parties,” during which after a few drinks sisters and pledges strip off their clothes and basically run around the house naked, some of them hooking up with each other before they let the boys in.
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Queer Eye for an Eye
The Bible is the new bible of the self-help movement. In yesterday’s Times Magazine, Rob Walker examined the phenomenal success of The Purpose-Driven Life, a Christianity-based guide to improving yourself. In turn, Sunday’s New York Post gave readers a first look at The Maker’s Diet, a weight-loss tome based on rules set forth in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. And for those religious gym bunnies, there’s always The Lord’s Gym (via Slate), a fitness center founded on Christian principles.
Indeed the influence of the Bible can be found in the unlikeliest places — the new self-helper from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, for example. Surely those godless sodomites don’t find inspiration in the Bible, right? Wrong. Just compare the two:
On grooming:
Then Moses said…”Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community.”
Leviticus 10: 6
Hair is the most visible thing we can play with to change our appearance, so start on top. It’s crucial to find a stylist you trust — not only will they help you with a cool new haircut, they can also be a great source of expertise on how to style and care for it.
Kyan 92
Wine tasting:
There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.
Matthew 27: 34
If it’s corked, it will smell moldy, or taste like vinegar, or be revolting in some other fairly obvious fashion. If you think there’s something terribly wrong with it, ask the wine steward to taste it.
Ted 45
On skin care:
After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD.
2 Samuel 12: 20
Look for a moisturizer that’s free of fragrance and hypoallergenic if you have sensitive skin that’s easily irritated. Lotion is the most common form of moisturizer, good for normal or combination skin.
Kyan 108
On lighting:
They are to take a blue cloth and cover the lampstand that is for light…
Numbers 4: 9
I’d be happy with a dimmer on every light in the house — they’re crucial to modulating the mood of a space.
Thom 126
On decorating:
In your marketplace they traded with you beautiful garments, blue fabric, embroidered work and multicolored rugs with cords twisted and tightly knotted.
Ezekiel 27: 24
Go window-shopping — wherever furniture is sold, just walk around and browse.
Thom 130
On belts:
This is what the LORD said to me: “Go and buy a linen belt and put it around your waist, but do not let it touch water.”
Jeremiah 13: 1
Personality starts in the crotch region. But you knew that. Get a vintage leather strap and find a belt buckle that says something about your personality.
Carson 179
On the thank you:
Then he will thank you, and it will be regarded as a righteous act in the sight of the LORD your God.
Deuteronomy 24: 13
If someone holds the door open for you, say thank you. No one will ever say that being too polite is rude, so when in doubt, express your appreciation.
Jai 216
On despair:
And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”– which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Mark 15: 34
In the last year, American men have come to know and expect that the dramatic arrival of five impeccably dressed gay men at their door can mean only one thing: Their life is about to get more fabulous.
Introduction 11
Categories
No Nose Jobs
Gisele Bundchen, bridging the years