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Shallow

New From the Network That Brought You Suddenly Susan

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Now only $9.99 at The NBC Store.

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Shallow

Four Moore Films

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[Michael] Moore’s newest project, Sicko, about the health-care industry, for which he’ll be paid about $25 million, will have a more resilient target: “It’ll never be the same for the H.M.O.’s again,” says Moore.
– “Moore’s War”, by Judy Bachrach, Vanity Fair, March 2005.
Since Moore’s last film was so successfully at solving the problem it addressed, here are some other topics we hope he tackles with his magical movie camera:
Hot Hot Heat: Global Warming, Local Warning – A hard-hitting look at how changes in the environment affect the weather. “This one’s gonna fix the whole planet—and the hole in Ozone above it,” says Moore.
Genocide X – Moore takes on another ‘Big One’: Genocide in Darfur. “We’re gonna speak truth to powerful warlords. We’re gonna save lives.”
Persons of Interest – More Americans are in debt; Moore, American, is incensed. “We’re gonna turn Greenspan green with this one.”
Don’t Drink the Water – Those clear bottles of spring water may look pure, but what’s inside them is anything but: the bottled water industry is all wet. “This film will refresh you—with insight!”

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Shallow

Out-of-Context Outrage!

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OUTRAGE!

From Reuters: “Penitents take part in the Holy Week procession of the ‘Santo Cristo de la Santa Cruz’ brotherhood in Palma de Mallorca, late March 23, 2005. Hundreds of Easter processions take place throughout Spain during Holy Week around the clock drawing thousands of visitors. Picture taken March 23, 2005.” (REUTERS/Dani Cardona)
***IMPACTING***

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Shallow

Sometimes the World Writes Its Own Satire

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Main, Michael Jackson, Santa Maria, CA, March 23, 2005 (via Reuters); inset, Tommy Smith and John Carlos, Mexico City Olympics, 1968 (via Sixties City)
Earlier: Dancin’ Fool and Radical Shnook

Categories
Satirical Shallow

Real Life Workplace: Deep Inside the CIA

bristow.jpgToday’s ‘Real Life Workplace’ interview is with Agent Jack Bristow, a thirty-five year veteran of the CIA. What sorts of challenges come from working in a high pressure environment where national security is a daily concern?
What’s the CIA like on the inside? Read on and find out.
low culture: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, Agent Bristow.
Jack Bristow: It’s my pleasure, I’m sure. I am, however, a very busy man, so let’s get down to it.
low culture: Sure, sure. So, in case you don’t know, low culture is a careers website. We offer information for job hunters, employers, and the like. I’m interested in talking to you about your work.
Jack Bristow: Fine. But know that some things are classified.
low culture: Right. So, you work for the CIA, right?
Jack Bristow: Classified.
low culture: But you previously worked for an organization called SD-6, right?
Jack Bristow: Again, classified. I cannot answer these questions and if you persist in asking them, I’ll have to terminate this interview.
low culture: Got it. Okay, so, you, um, you work with your daughter, Sydney, right?
Jack Bristow: Yes, that’s true.
low culture: Your daughter is so hot.
Jack Bristow: Pardon me?
low culture: Nothing. So, is it difficult working so closely with a family member?
Jack Bristow: There are challenges inherent in any workplace. Ours is no different. People occasionally don’t get along, alliances and relationships shift or breakdown. These things happen.
low culture: Right, but, you had problems with your daughter for a long time, is that correct? Didn’t you kill her mom?
Jack Bristow: What? What sort of interview is this? I’m going to have to hang up now unless you refrain from such inappropriate personal questions.
low culture: Sorry, sorry. So, is it hard working with your daughter when she has to get dressed up in so many different outfits all the time? Does that weird you out?
Jack Bristow: Weird me out?
low culture: You know, do you ever see your daughter done up like a blond Swedish hooker or a Russian astrophysicist and you, like, get wood?
Jack Bristow: Now you listen to me…
low culture: Wait, wait. You misunderstand. I apologize: English is my second language. I’m French Canadian.
Jack Bristow: Really? I was born in Ontario.
low culture: No way! Did that make it hard to get high level CIA clearance?
Jack Bristow: That’s classified.
low culture: Oh, right, right. So, your daughter was dating a colleague. Is that strange?
Jack Bristow: Why so many questions about my daughter?
low culture: Have I been asking so many questions about your daughter?
Jack Bristow: Yes, in fact you have.
low culture: Oh, she’s just so super hot. What’s her email address?
Jack Bristow: Now you listen to me, this is the least professional interview I’ve ever been subjected to!
low culture: Alright, alright. Is it like yours? I assume it’s something like [email protected]. Would that work?
Jack Bristow: This interview is over. I don’t even know how you got this number.
low culture: Can you just tell me one last thing? One last thing for all the job hunters, employers, and the like? Please?
Jack Bristow: Fine. One question.
low culture: What does she smell like?
Jack Bristow: Whom?
low culture: Your daughter, Sydney. I kind of imagine she smells like soap, but also a little bit of sweaty b.o.
Jack Bristow: What?
low culture: Clean, sporty girl b.o. like a field hockey player. Not gross b.o. like some sweaty freak.
Jack Bristow: Rest assured, you will be disappeared within 24 hours.
[click]
low culture: Hello? Sounds like you’re still on the line. Helllllo? Agent Bristow? Jack…? Sydney?
Related: If you have any information on Jack Bristow’s daughter (particularly photos), please email low culture. (Within 24 hours at the latest.)

Categories
Grave

OK, OK…I admit, you sold me. Now I see the urgency.

You in the corner, with your long hair and nose rings, lobbying against privatization! There’s no time to waste. Put your pickets and placards down. Hasten, you. Right this very moment, let us all clasp our hands together: the end is nigh.
One whopping year “nigher”, if you will: take note of the Bush Administration’s latest round of hysterical claptrap regarding the crisis-laden government program that is Social Security, by way of Trustees Foresee an Earlier Insolvency for Social Security, from the New York Times, March 23, 2005:

Beginning in 2017, not 2018 as previously projected, the revenue from Social Security payroll taxes will be less than the benefits the government will be paying out, Treasury Secretary John W. Snow said, forcing the government to dip into reserves.
Moreover, those reserves, which have been built up by surpluses and will keep benefits at their normal levels even after payroll taxes are insufficient, will be depleted in 2041, not 2042, as previously anticipated, Mr. Snow said. After 2041, under the new projections, the government could pay only three-quarters of the promised level of benefits.
“The numbers published today leave no question that Social Security reform is needed, and it is needed soon,” Mr. Snow said in a message accompanying release of the trustees’ report. “Reform of this system, for the sake of our children, grandchildren and the financial future of our country, is a very real and pressing matter.

Categories
Satirical Shallow

Deaf, Dumb and Bald

matlincar.jpgTotally deaf human-person Marlee Matlin deserves to be given the hand gestures for enthusiastic applause and patronizing congratulation upon the news of her appointment to head a new, conservative imprint for Simon & Schuster. Despite Matlin’s complete inability to hear, and her limited ability to speak like a normal person, she has not only won a Special Academy Award but also managed to domesticate notorious pussy-hound James Carville. The two have become ubiquitous for their “opposites attract” romance: Carville is the classic Clinton-era liberal while Matlin is completely, defiantly deaf. They both starred in the cult classic K Street and have become poster children for people who have starred in K Street.
Because of Matlin’s handicapability, her as yet unnamed imprint will undoubtedly offer its conservative titles in Braille editions. And that presumptive breakthrough, shattering the conservative publishing industry’s notorious deaf-glass-ceiling, deserves enthusiastic, visually demonstrative applause.

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Shallow

Sixty-Nine Love Songs (Or, “Pat O’Brien’s Awesome Rehab Playlist”)

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Featuring “Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance (To Eat Your Ass).”
By now you’ve probably heard Insider host Pat O’Brien‘s latest release: nearly five and a half minutes of repetitive, profanity-laced nasal sex talk with occasional music. Naughty, nasty stuff. Frankly, I can’t believe he kisses George Clooney’s ass with that mouth.
You probably also know that this Internet-only single has landed him where countless artists have gone before: rehab.
But what you haven’t heard is Pat O’Brien’s rehab iTunes playlist, which he put together shortly before his twelve step journey. Here’s but a small sample:
– “I Wanna Hold Your Hand (And Eat You, If Betsy Says It’s Okay),” The Beatles
– “You Can’t Always Get What You Want (Even Though You’re So Fucking Hot. I’m So Into You),” The Rolling Stones
– “This Love (Plus Some Coke, and Betsy. Let’s Get Crazy Together),” Maroon 5
– “Oh, Pretty Woman (I Want to do Everything With You, Eat Your Ass, Everything),” Roy Orbison
– “Baby I’m-a Want You (To Be Into Betsy. You’re So Fucking Hot),” Bread
– “Why Can’t We Be Friends (With Betsy, Too. I’m So Into You)?,” War
– “Don’t Speak (Just Give Me a Smile Next Time I See You, You’re So Fucking Hot),” No Doubt
– “Pour Some Sugar On Me (And By ‘Sugar,’ I Mean Coke. I’m So Fucking Into You),” Def Leppard
– “Eat It (And By ‘It,’ I Mean Your Ass. You’re So Hot),” ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic

Categories
Grave Satirical

TIME for Concern

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(I did this one by hand.)

Categories
Grave

Further proof there is no God

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RELATED: Judge Rejects Schiavo Appeal, FOXNews.com, March 22, 2005