Jude Law in Alfie… Jude Law in I ♥ Huckabees
Jude Law in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events… Jude Law in Closer
Jude Law in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow… Jude Law in The Aviator
Bastards just hate a handsome motherfucker.
Ask Men, the online portal for anything with testes, has declared its Top 99 Most Desirable Women (get it? That’s one less than a hundred). Aside from the rather disappointing photos, the accompanying text for each babe also leaves something to be desired – any sense of actually describing the buxom beauty in question.
It’s a sure sign of the homogenization of popular culture. Or a sign of the overwhelming demands that society places on women’s appearance. Or maybe it’s a sign of AskMen’s lackluster editorial content. Eh, it’s probably something.
Just try to match each babe with her sexy vagaries.
| Total Hottie | Banal Sentiment |
| 1. Vivica A. Fox | A. …this girl could rival NASCAR. There’s a sweetness about her that keeps people tuning in for more. Add to that a curvaceous figure and cleavage like the Appalachian Mountains — well-shaped, impressive and all-natural. |
| 2. Kristanna Loken | B. Her mocha skin highlights every nook and cranny of her flawless body. |
| 3. Alicia Keys | C. What, you never looked at her legs? You never imagined what those bee-stung lips feel like? For all men and — let’s be honest — many women, X remains an icon of unique sexiness that begs for further screen appearances. |
| 4. Fergie (from Black-Eyed Peas) | D. She’s no teenage waif in skimpy clothes. She’s got the curves, the moves and the attitude to make any man pay attention. She oozes more sex appeal per square inch than the whole of Sweden. |
| 5. Nikki Cox | E. X’s striking face and luscious body attract men and women alike — she has an impressive lesbian following. She’s been dancing for years and it has paid off with a tight and toned body. |
| 6. Demi Moore | F. Her proportions and facial features are flawless, and there’s nothing we can say about her lips that hasn’t been said a dozen times already. |
| 7. Uma Thurman | G. In a blonde-saturated popular culture, X provides a refreshing respite with her sensual dark-haired aura. Her luminous eyes still give the movie screen an extra glow in those many close-ups. |
| 8. Halle Berry | H. Her beatific face, long legs, perfect curves… is it hot in here? One look at her is enough to realize why she became a model before turning to acting. |
| 9. Angelina Jolie | I. Yet she still maintains an allure usually restricted to the mysterious, and each time we see her scantily clad it’s like the first time. |
| 10. Brooke Burke | J. A perfectly contoured stomach, toned legs and a more than ample chest should secure X a spot on this list for years to come. |
Answer Key: 1-d, 2-h, 3-b, 4-e, 5-a, 6-g, 7-c, 8-i, 9-f, 10-j
On crotch-cam auteur Larry Clark’s new feature, Wassup Rockers:
The story follows Latino skateboarders from South Central Los Angeles who eschewed the gangbanger lifestyle in favor of their boards and punk rock. In an interview with Variety, Clark says “I got to know them and became fascinated by their lifestyle and the peer pressure they encountered because they didn’t like hip-hop, didn’t want to be gangsters and weren’t into drugs.”
Ken Park, we hardly knew ye.
[via Dark Horizons]
Stinkbomb Sue Anna Yeh, left, poses between classes in Sugar Land, Texas Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005. Yeh, a total spazoid and obvious lesbo at First Colony Middle School in Sugar Land, wrote a poem about No Name-Calling Week that won first prize in a lame-assed contest related to the event, which will be observed at hundreds of middle schools nationwide next week. (AP Photo/Pat Sullivan)
(We’re really not always this mean. It must be the time of year.)
Alexandra Kerry and Tobey Maguire make love to the camera.
Today marks William Safire’s last Op-Ed piece article for the New York Times, and the paper has set up a lovely multimedia farewell to him online. Even readers are encouraged to get in on the good cheer and offered the chance to “share memories of the columnist.” We thought it might be nice to share some of their moving tributes below.
From Rajivshorey:
Outright thugs in the administration and out of it like Mr Safire are responsible for the utterly venal and criminal policy on Iraq war.
From farmhand07:
Think of all the good he could have done if he had just stayed with selling refrigerators. Instead he used his “salesman” writing style to foist and then prop up the most reprehensible figures in recent American politics. Agnew, Nixon, et al.
Good riddance.
From krome9:
Safire’s logic was sometimes just missing and most times corrupt.
From richeeboyee:
You’re a hell of a liar – good riddance.
From jazztenor:
Mmmmm…interesting illustration by Barry Blitt of Safire’s self-important melodramatic farewell…
Are we to surmise he is jumping into an empty pool?
So, So Mean: Viktor Yushchenko at his inauguration (via Reuters)
Dear Sirs/Madames:
I was sorry to hear about the recent loss of your editor, Brigid Hughes. All consolations aside, may I suggest my own editorial services to the rescue?
Much like your former editor George Plimpton, my many urbane acquaintances would describe me as possessing the bonhomie and ruddy good cheer of any chronic tippler, whilst still maintaining adequate compos mentis to run the football pool on a Sunday afternoon.
Unlike Mr. Plimpton, however, who forever played the “professional amateur,” I am a “consummate professional.” Could Mr. Plimpton program basic HTML? I can. Did he boast a proficiency in Excel Spreadsheets and the rest of the Microsoft Office suite? I boast. And I can safely assume that my WPM’s far outstrip Mr. Plimpton on even his best days.
To put it bluntly – I am not possessed of the terminal wanderlust that so plagued Mr. Plimpton. Nor do I possess any aspirations to play the jack-off-of-all-trades: I have no interest in getting in the ring with Archie Moore. I have neither the interest nor the talent to write the Great American Oral Biography. In short I have few, if any, interests – a valuable asset when it comes time to meet the bruising deadlines of a literary quarterly.
If and when I do pursue my acting career, I will serve as a far better representative for The Paris Review than Mr. Plimpton did in the failed Tom Hanks vehicle Volunteers.
When I served as Editorial Intern for Harper’s in the summer of ’97, my dedication to fact-checking the trademarked Index was responsible for the eventual publication of several scathing statistics that concerned federal budget allocations. My recent experience in posting to low culture has presumably prepared me for other things, things of which Mr. Plimpton could only have dreamed. Did Mr. Plimpton post to low culture? I’m fairly certain he didn’t.
As for meeting (and exceeding) the qualifications of your most recent editor, let’s just put it this way: I can urinate standing up.
I am available to move into Mr. Plimpton’s apartment effective March first (when my sublet ends). I look forward to speaking with you about this opportunity.
Yours,
Guy Cimbalo
Excerpted from “The Tonight Show,” September, 1991, on the occasion of the Soviet Republics’ movement toward independence:
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation…Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.
Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike Communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other, weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It’s a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head–this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.