Office betting pools for the 2005 Oscar race are fast coming due, with the race for Best Actor seeming to pose a particularly difficult challenge for casual bettors and/or filmgoers. With that in mind, we’ve prepared this annotated list of nominees for Best Actor to help you make your picks this weekend…
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Leonardo DiCaprio Not honored for his role as Luke Brower in 1991’s Growing Pains Getting into character for this part required hours and hours of sleeping in a classroom closet. And being unbearably fucking handsome. Or is that unbearably fucking homeless? Aw, fuck it, look how goddamned cute this little street urchin is! First he stole our hearts, and then he fucked Katherine Hepburn. |
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Johnny Depp Not honored for his role as Officer Tom Hanson in 1987’s 21 Jump Street Yeah, that’s stubble on my chin. I haven’t shaved in like two weeks, you know. You can totally tell. I’m thinking of growing it out. What? Huh? Yeah, that’s a fucking gun in my backpack. It goes nicely with those drugs in your pocket, punk. You, against the lockers, now! |
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Clint Eastwood Not honored for his role as Philo Beddoe in 1978’s Every Which Way But Loose Because who doesn’t like to fuck monkeys? (This character was purportedly spun off to create the hit 1979 television series, B.J. and the Bear.) |
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Jamie Foxx Not honored for his role as Wanda the Ugly Chick in 1990’s In Living Color Being blind is one thing. But the foulest lay imaginable? |
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Don Cheadle Not honored for his role as Basher Tarr in 2001’s Ocean’s Eleven Getting into character for this part required hours and hours of listening to George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh’s pitching each other various TV series and film projects. All of which seemed like good ideas at the time. |
The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has designated a new psychiatric disorder called Paris Syndrome, named for socialite and Reality TV star Paris Hilton.
Paris Syndrome is characterized by an acute sense of empathy towards Paris Hilton, particularly during times of public scandal and embarrassment.
According to Dr. Owen Spielvogel, chair of APA’s gossip- and media-focused Loud Family Institute, “It’s natural to feel a sense of guilt and shame at the pleasure one derives from the travails of Ms. Hilton. She’s a larger-than-life figure, the subject of mockery and contempt. Paris Syndrome is different than mere guilt, something closer to Stockholm Syndrome. It occurs when the individual’s superego overrides the giddy pleasure at Ms. Hilton’s failures and the individual begins to identify with her. ‘What if my personal life got splashed across the internet? What if people openly wished for my death?’ goes the thinking. At that point, Paris Syndrome has set in and psychiatric consultation may be the answer.”
The APA estimates that thousands of Americans, most of whom work in the media or as bloggers (web-loggers), may be afflicted with Paris Syndrome. There is no suggested course of treatment for Paris Syndrome at this time, but according to Dr. Spielvogel, “It passes eventually and the so-called ‘normal’ feelings of Paris Hilton hatred return.” He also notes that a related disorder—Paris Hilton Fatigue, first designated by the APA two years ago—often cancels out Paris Syndrome. “Once the individual grows indifferent to Ms. Hilton and her assorted sex tapes, utterances of racial slurs, bruises, and hacked personal communication devices. It’s likely that Paris Syndrome has passed.”
The APA is the nation’s oldest national medical specialty society with more than 35,000 members, all of whom hate Paris Hilton.
Oh, OK, wait a second…I think I get it.
It’s a “polite” thing, and by invoking the “Mister”, you’re deferring to his title as a head of state. That’s so impressively formal! We’ve got so much to learn from you Europeans.
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“On the other hand…”
President Bush, in his public statements on matters of great and non-controversial import, often makes sense. Then again, he does not. The ideas expressed therein will usually be very clear, very concise. Also, they will be very, very hard to decipher. When, on occasion, a matter of controversy is introduced in these contexts, Bush will leave himself little wiggle room for getting out of his assertions. Except when he leaves himself wiggle room for getting out of his assertions.
From Bush Denies U.S. Plans to Attack Iran, via the Associated Press, February 22, 2005:
“This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table,” Bush said after discussing the issue with European allies.
And earlier this year, in a similar vein, from President outlines role of his faith, via the Washington Times, January 12, 2005:
“I think people attack me because they are fearful that I will then say that you’re not equally as patriotic if you’re not a religious person,” Mr. Bush said. “I’ve never said that. I’ve never acted like that. I think that’s just the way it is.”
RELATED: The Washington Post‘s Dan Froomkin on Bush’s usage of “On the other hand” to convey variable meanings
An actual caption for this wire service image, by way of Agence France-Presse (take note of the so-called ‘snarky’ quotation marks):
First lady Laura Bush thanked US troops based in Germany for their work in the war on ‘terror,’ as anti-war protesters across the country geared up for her husband’s arrival (AFP/DDP/Martin Oeser)
RELATED: The A.P.’s more innocuous take on the same photo and event
EARLIER: War on Terror, War against Terror; War of Terror
Secretary: Alex Winter for you, Mr. Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: All right, put ‘im through.
[connecting]
Hey, Alex.
Alex Winter: Ted Theodore Logan!
KR: Ha ha. What’s up, man?
AW: Excellent!
KR: Funny. So, what’s up, Alex?
AW: Heinous!
KR: Right, right. So, what’s goin’ on?
AW: Nothin’ bro. Just calling to congratulate you on the boffo Constantine box office, man. Congratulations.
KR: Oh, thanks. Yeah, it’s a good movie. We’re all really proud of it.
AW: Cool, cool. Did I ever tell you how much I loved that Matrix series? God, it was so good!
KR: Aw, I’m flattered, dude.
[silence]
So, what’s up with you?
AW: Oh, you know me. Writing, auditioning, do my thing. I’m still in the game, you know. I mean, not in the Constantine type game, but you know it’s like a trade-off: you make those hundred million dollar flicks, but you gotta, like, get on that treadmill and sell it, promote it.
KR: Right…
AW: Yeah, I’m totally happy where I am, you know? Remember when we were kids, man, and we’d dream about our careers between set-ups? God, we were so fucking naive, dude! I wanted to be the next David Lynch, you were gonna be the next Marlon Brando!
KR: Funny. Hey, Alex—
AW: And you said you’d be my Kyle MacLachlan and star in all my movies.
KR: Right—
AW: Anyway.
KR: Anyway.
AW: So, any sidekick parts in your new flicks?
KR: No. Sorry, man.
AW: What about, like, secondary sort of—
KR: Alex, you know, the thing is, I’m taking some time off since I worked, like, nonstop since ’99.
AW: What about The Night Watchman?
KR: Alex, I gotta—
AW: What about Il Mare?
KR: Shoot, Alex. I’ve got a meeting and—
AW: Cool, cool. Let’s talk again later.
KR: Totally. Good to hear from you, man.
AW: Hey, do you know anything about the Lost Boys remake? Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I played the grandpa? Like, in age make-up, you know?
KR: Yeah, if I hear anything—
AW: I mean, I did age makeup in Bogus.
KR: Alex. I got people outside the door. Talk to you later?
AW: Yeah, yeah. Well, congrats again on Constantine. I mean, wow!
KR: Thanks.
AW: Well, um, be excellent, Ted.
[silence]
KR: Be excellent… Bill.
[click]
Earlier: Two Friends Talking: A One Act Play
You Do the Math: Harvard President Lawrence Summers
“Among his comments to a conference of economists last month, according to the transcript, Dr. Summers, a former secretary of the United States Treasury, compared the relatively low number of women in the sciences to the numbers of Catholics in investment banking, whites in the National Basketball Association and Jews in farming.”
–Furor Lingers as Harvard Chief Gives Details of Talk on Women, by Patrick D. Healy and Sara Rimer, The New York Times, Feb. 18, 2005
“U.S. President George W. Bush answers a question during a press conference at a White House office building, February 17, 2005. Bush on Thursday nominated John Negroponte, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, as the new director of national intelligence who faces the tough job of improving the quality of intelligence from spy agencies that have been sharply criticized.” (REUTERS/Jim Bourg)
“A Bird in Flight,” from Hand Shadows to Be Thrown upon the Wall, by Henry Bursill