Categories
Satirical Shallow

Tomorrow’s Corrections Today, vol. 1

Slated to appear on the New York Times’ Corrections page, April 9, 2004:

Because of an editing error, we misidentified the author of an op-ed which appeared in Thursday’s paper about Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain and the growth of alternative rock music. The article was written by former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, not Sonic Youth guitarist Thurston Moore. The Times regrets the error.

Categories
Satirical Shallow

The Prince & Me & not Us

fridaymovie_theprinceandme.jpgAfter due diligence on the part of our friend Sharon in the P.R. department at Paramount Pictures, we at low culture were once again given access to the media goodie bag and allowed to see a pre-release screening of Julia Stiles’ latest film, “The Prince & Me.”
It’s a good thing, too, because we were part of the flock of fans who showed that we “could do it, put your back into it” when we watched this beautiful young Columbia University undergrad take on the mantle of interracial love — and interracial dancing — when she charmingly swept America off its feet in 2001’s “Save the Last Dance.” Well, she’s back, and this time, she’s traded in Ice Cube’s lyricism and the concomitant “street cred” for Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s cool, calm, and collected flirtation with royalty.
First-time helmer Martha Coolidge‘s compelling narrative loosely concerns the trials and tribulations of an average American girl’s behavior when she’s forced to choose between her deeply-embedded principles and that most elusive of sentiments, true love. Of course, this is all “fancy-talk” for saying that she has to choose between a crush on her favorite boy, and the fact that he lied to her by not letting her in on the fact that he was an heir to the throne of Denmark (and yes, there are more than enough self-referential Hamlet jokes sprinkled throughout the film for all you fans of both classic Shakespeare and youth-oriented films).
Stiles takes on the role of college student Paige Morgan with much aplomb, and her experience as an actress shines through on her initial scenes with the young Prinze (who far outshines Eddie Murphy’s rendition in the original film) when they meet at a Greenpeace rally on the steps of the school’s library. It turns out that the Prinze has more than just a passing interest in environmental regulation, though, because he sweeps Paige off her feet with his passionate rhetoric regarding the damage caused by oil spills in the Baltic Sea. Paige, of course, passes off this worldliness as a part of his exchange-student persona, but quickly falls in love with his debonair presence and the humanizingly endearing way he quirkily drops the T’s and W’s from his words when speaking aloud, as all Danes are wont to do.
But, as with all instances of true love, there’s a catch: the Prinze, through a series of escalating misunderstandings exacerbated by his two roommates’ miscommunication, had neglected to inform Paige that he was, in fact, royalty, before taking her virginity. This understandably upsets Paige a great deal, and she calls him a Danish imperialist, which only complicates things further, because the Prinze’s father is in court at the ICC at that very moment for war crimes committed against the neighboring Swedes. The Prinze is crestfallen, as he has spent his entire life modeling himself on becoming all that his father (deftly played by James Caan in a stirring cameo) stood against, including a value system that apparently rules out sleeping with girls with misshapen faces that haven’t aged well as they’ve exited their teenaged years.
The film’s winsome examination of collegiate love-with-princes strikes a heartwarming note when the audience realizes that things will, of course, work out…such is the nature of fairy tales, and such is the nature of true love.

Categories
Grave Satirical

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 3

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(Click the image above to see the original undoctored photo, and/or click here. Or you can read more about these heinous backdrops by Dan Bartlett and Scott Sforsza here.)

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Satirical Shallow

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Sight Unseen

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ABOVE: a mirror image of the expressions you and your well-tailored friends will sport as you sit on your couch watching this film on HBO this fall
This may come as a surprise to some of low culture‘s readers who expect us to hide behind our patented cool and ironic stance, but we were huge fans of Scooby-Doo. Well, guess what, Jack: We were lucky enough to be invited to an early screening of the film, and ta da: we’re even bigger fans of Scooby-Doo 2, which has to be director Kinka Usher’s finest film since, well, Mystery Men.
Fans of the cartoon series’ bizarre juxtaposition of guest stars will love the pre-credits teaser. In a hilarious yet timely scenario, Shaggy, Fred, Daphne, and Velma are testifying at a congressional hearing about the mass brain-washings on Monster Island (from the series’ first film). Scooby’s there, too, but he’s forced to dress up like a bedraggled Vietnam vet (shades of Born on the Fourth of July?) in an army jacket and wheelchair. (It’s funnier than it sounds–especially when Scooby barks “Yooooooou can’t hannnnnnndle the truuuuuuuuuf!”) After several probing, incisive questions from the unseen congressmen (that make Fred and Shaggy sweat and brings out Velma’s brainy side and Daphne’s flirty side), we see exactly who is asking these questions: The Harlem Globetrotters, the living members of the “Addam’s Family,” Joyce DeWitt from “Three’s Company,” boxer “Sugar” Shane Mosley, and the ubiquitous Steve Buscemi (in his black Reservoir Dogs suit).
Of course, with a film this fun, the soundtrack couldn’t be more of a gas! Featuring the pop stylings of Hilary Duff, Willa Ford, and Warner Music‘s promising young siren Bonnie McKee (not to be confused with Sony’s lesser songstress Nellie McKay), the movie’s raucous tunes had the youngsters who accompanied us to the screening dancing in the aisles.
Other highlights include Sarah Michelle Gellar‘s star-making turn as Daphne (I’m telling you, if Harvard-educated director James Toback hasn’t heard of this ingenue yet, he will have by now!). Imbuing a character of such heretofore-renowned vapidity with an emotional resonance not seen since Emily Watson‘s perfomance in Breaking the Waves, we’re left to wonder how other, less-experienced actresses considered for this same role (read: Elisha Cuthbert) might have fouled up a particularly tense scene in the film’s climactic lighthouse sequence, which combines the thrills of So, I Married an Ax Murderer with the laughs of Hitchcock’s Vertigo.
But what really makes this scene a cinematic classic is its heart: when Daphne fights the ghost of the monster’s computer virus, she’s doing so to avenge the death of her beloved Fred, who was killed (there’s even a suggestion he may have been raped!) by the ghost of the monster’s computer virus’s creator (Whoopi Goldberg, almost unrecognizable under pounds of latex and make-up). When Gellar’s Daphne busts into a Matrix-type ‘bullet time’ roundhouse kick, the audience not only cheers, they weep. Including, again, those youngsters seated next to us. Of course, we’ll miss Fred in any sequels, but there’s a suggestion that the wizard (deftly played by The Sweet Hereafter‘s Ian Holm) might be able to reanimate him using the sacred stones.
We’ll be waiting for Scooby-Doo 3: Space is the Place to see if the geniuses behind this awesome series can “doo” it again. Scooby-Doo it again, that is!
(Confidential to Sharon at Warner Brothers’ PR: Thanks!)

Categories
Grave Satirical

Colin Headroom Tes-Tes-Testifies

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(Click above to see the New York Times’ original photo of Sec. Powell testifying before the 9/11 commission on March 23, 2004)
“We wanted to moo-moo-move beyond the rollback policy of c-c-containment, criminal prosecu-cu-cu-cution and limited retaliation for specific terrorist attacks. We wanted to de-de-de-destroy Al Qaeda.” – COLIN L. POWELL, Secretary of State, Network 23

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Satirical Shallow

Man on the Cross Street (Passion Survey #1)

We interviewed a completely random selection of movie goers exiting the 12PM screening of The Passion of the Christ at the Jerusalem Multiplex 16 to get their opinions on this controversial film.

“I found it hard to watch… for obvious reasons. What did I ever do to Mel Gibson?”
“Um, it didn’t end that way. I came back, you know.”
"Me? I don’t really remember much of the film. I tried to buy a diet Coke before it started, and they were all charging $4.50, and I’m all, ‘Fuck that!’ and got this free cup of tap water instead, which I immediately turned into el vino and promptly got wasted off my ass, sitting in the back of the theater…Jerusalem in the hoooouuuuuse!"
"The third act…was excruciating. It was painful to watch, outright unbearable."
“I liked the first half hour. The rest reminded me of stuff I’d rather forget.”
“I hate to quibble since he got so much right. But Roman Soldier #6 wasn’t such a jerk to me. He actually gave me a stick of gum, which was nice.”
“Pshaw! Like I ever knew a girl as hot as Monica Bellucci!”
"I didn’t get to see the film…they had a ‘No Pets’ policy in the theater. They wanted me to sacrifice my lamb’s movie going experience, and I said, ‘No!…C’mon, he’s not so baaaaaaaaaaaad.’ Ha! Get it? I make jokes sometimes, you know."
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Satirical Shallow

Mensch on the Street (Passion Survey #2)

We interviewed a completely random selection of movie goers exiting the 12PM screening of The Passion of the Christ in Brooklyn to get their opinions on this controversial film.

hasidic_01.gif “I didn’t see it. I was here to see Welcome to Mooseport, which, incidentally, is a little anti-Semitic. But I still love Raymond!”
hasidic_02.gif “If I could say just one thing to Mr. Gibson, it would be ‘Can you read my comedy script about a Hasidic Jewish crime fighter?’ What? Someone already made that movie? Well, there goes my last six months.”
hasidic_13.gif “I’m shocked. Disgusted. This place charges $4.50 for a small Diet Coke. I brought my four young children and it cost me $85 dollars. Very offensive. Very.”
hasidic_05.gif “You’d think with everyone in Hollywood studying the Kabbalah, they’d be a little more sensitive. Mel should spend more time with Madonna and Paris Hilton: he might learn some wisdom and compassion. Ha! I’m joking. Some of us have senses of humor, you know.”
hasidic_06.gif “Well, it was a lot less offensive to the Jews than the last Woody Allen film. Anything Else? I called it ‘From Hunger’.”
hasidic_07.gif “Yes, it was extremely anti-Semitic. But what movie is perfect, right?”
hasidic_09.gif “Critics need to lay off Mel Gibson. This was just one man’s opinion. One man with $25 million to spend on production and another $25 million for promotions to tell it. Like I said, just one man and his opinion.”
hasidic_16.gif “Loved it. Loved, loved, loved it! My name is Self-Hater I. Jewman, by the way.”
Categories
Grave Satirical

Other Recently Proposed Constitutional Amendments

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Dogs Constitutionally- recognized as better than cats
No more special treatment for Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate
Paul made the Constitutionally- recognized best Beatle
Infield Fly Rule unilaterally banned
Lefties to be forced to become righties, or be burned at the stake
Discussions about the weather in elevators no longer protected by First Amendment
Super intelligent robots, should they be invented, never to be endowed with human emotions under penalty of being unplugged

Categories
Grave Satirical

About Face

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[Thanks, Dave, who waited two weeks for this joke.]

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Satirical Shallow

Slow News Week

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