Category: Satirical

(By way of the BBC News):
On Wednesday, 19 January, 2005, the website of the British Broadcasting Corporation’s News division ran an infographic and featurette entitled At-a-glance: ‘Outposts of tyranny’ that focused on incoming U.S. secretary of state Condoleezza Rice’s announcement during her Senate confirmation hearing earlier this week that there were six “outposts of tyranny” around the world. The following chart accompanied the feature:

Due to an editing error, the infographic (as featured, above) was incomplete and therefore inaccurate, and we have uploaded a revised, corrected image in its place (attached below). We apologise for any confusion that may have ensued, and thank you for reading BBC News.

We Got Spirit, Yes We Do: “If you love Jesus, cheer real loud!” [via Reuters]
After his landslide defeat by John Kerry, former president George W. Bush returned to his first career as a male cheerleader.
Vice President Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and several others in the President’s inner circle were arrested on war crimes charges.
Bagels no longer fattening…
Related: Are these the most covered-up cheerleaders you’ve ever seen?

O, Christmas Tree: The jolly man with the beard said this man was “a bad guy.”
Yes, Don and Joyce Rumsfeld had an absolutely stunning tree this year. And the duck was so juicy, it practically melted in your mouth. The party was a lot less crowded than last year—no Powells, no Tenets, no Ashcrofts, or Keriks—but it was wonderful.
Merry Christmas, everyone! And a happy, healthy New Year!

In the White House’s Roosevelt Room earlier this morning, President Bush announced Jim Nicholson, current U.S. ambassador to the Vatican, as his nominee for Secretary of Veterans Affairs. This is the ninth cabinet replacement since Bush’s re-election, and as each new cabinet member has been introduced to the media, the announcement game plan’s been identical in each instance, as the President peers studiously at his newly-nominated staff members (examined earlier in “Didn’t America Vote Against the Gaze?”).
Of course, it turns out this “game plan” has been part of a larger “master plan” carefully choreographed by Dan Bartlett and his staff…Here’s an exclusive “floor plan” slipped to low culture by a White House operative.

RELATED: White House Roosevelt Room

“Let’s just clamp down on this shit, ok?”
Toll in China Mine Explosion Reaches 166
Plane veers off Indonesian runway; 31 die
Typhoon Bears Down on Flood-Hit Philippine Towns
UN Says May Have Spotted Rwandan Troops in Congo
Ukrainian Parliament Votes Out Prime Minister’s Government
Holy fuck, that shit’s so boring, right? And I don’t even know what any of that means, really. Where the fuck in Africa or wherever is this so-called “Indonesia”, and why are they flying planes there? While I try to wrap my head around this global primitivism, let me instead focus on this bit of American news (finally!) that came to my attention.
And, yeah, it did most certainly come to my attention because it’s American news:
Rumsfeld sued for war crimes over Abu Ghraib
Oh, I totally, totally get this, given I read all the big papers each and every morning…It looks like a consortium of human rights lawyers are trying to bring attention to the various illegalities (mis)used in the Americans’ detention of suspects in Iraq. Boy, this shit gets me so angry! I cannot tell you how RILED UP this sort of stuff makes me! And to think we elected this Bush guy for another four years? What is wrong with this country?????
Also: if any alert readers get any more information on what happened with that voting fiasco in Ohio earlier this month, please, please, drop us a line.

(Ground) Zero Tact: Another offensive Cingular billboard, Lafayette St. and Astor Pl.
On November 19, this website published a revelation so important, so earth-shattering, our comments database promptly crashed due to the overwhelming feedback we received.
I am referring, of course, to low culture Exclusive: An Outrage Grows in Brooklyn!!!, about Cingular’s insensitive Twin Towers-themed billboard on Fourth Avenue and 9th Street in Brooklyn.
Since then, the post has richocheted around the internet, spread like wild fire, grown like kudzu, and just kept going and going like one of those battery-operated toy rabbits.
If our comments were any indication, America was just as outraged by Cingular’s billboard as we were:

“so clearly … the twin towers”
“Advertising is subliminal. They want gut reactions.”
“… those are the Twin Towers…”
“…these are obviously … supposed to be the towers. i think anyone … can figure that out.”
“When the twin towers were still standing, they were the same size, which is why they called them the twin towers…”

And, most damning of all:

“i work for cingular and thought this was hilarious.”

Hilarious, huh? Well, apparently Cingular is upping the ante by putting up not one, but several of these offensive billboards on the corner of Lafayette and Astor Place, a few blocks north of the World Trade Center! Yes, it’s true: The outrage continues. Worse yet, the representation of the Twin Towers crumbling, falling apart, appears almost exactly where the towers themselves would appear when looking downtown. Out-freakin’-rageous!
Please, we urge you once again to boycott Catherine Zeta Jones, despite her endorsement of T-Mobile. Boycott her because she married that slimy Michael Douglas! This outrage must be stopped!
Earlier: low culture Exclusive: An Outrage Grows in Brooklyn!!!

“I’m Lovin’ It”: President Bush meets the future outsourced workers for the only jobs left when he leaves office.

Cingularly Bad Taste: Twin Towers-themed billboard, 4th Avenue and 9th Street Subway Station in Brooklyn
This is outrageous! Outrageously outrageous! In fact, we are outraged!
In a city still reeling from the 9/11 attacks—an event so painful, there isn’t a bowl of cereal large enough to drown our sadness—Cingular has decided to put up this tasteless, insensitive billboard on an overpass on 4th Avenue in Brooklyn that shows the burning Twin Towers. This is wrong on so many levels, especially since so many of us New Yorkers were without cellular service on that dark day and could not speak to our friends and family members, regardless of our “whenever minutes” or roll-over plans!
What’s worse is that this isn’t the first time advertisers have exploited 9/11 to sell a sub-par product. Shouldn’t they know better by now?
We urge you to boycott Cingular! Mostly because Catherine Zeta-Jones is incrementally less hot than she used to be. (So, boycott Ocean’s 12, too!) This outrage cannot be ignored!
Update: An alert reader and concerned citizen tells us that Ms. Zeta-Jones flaks for T-Mobile, not Cingular. You can run, but you can’t hide, Catherine! So, boycott Cingular’s non-threatening, pansexual spokescreature, Pit-Pat!

After reviewing the election results by county, the Bush administration is looking into amending the U.S. Constitution to apportion votes by hectares rather than utilizing the Electoral College:

If that fails to pass the stringent process for amending the Constitution, variations such as “1 Bible = 1 Vote” will be considered.