Author: matt

Riverdale High: The Duel for the Dirt

Post author By matt
Post date January 30, 2005
11 Comments on Riverdale High: The Duel for the Dirt

low culture Exclusive: The Aristocrats Punchline Revealed

Post author By matt
Post date January 30, 2005
10 Comments on low culture Exclusive: The Aristocrats Punchline Revealed

The Aristocrats, the documentary directed by comedian Paul Provenza and featuring George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, Gilbert Gottfried and others performing their variations on the legendary, unspeakable ‘aristocrats’ joke, has emerged as a surprise hit at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival. It was acquired by ThinkFilms for an estimated $750,000, according to Reuters.
Most articles about The Aristocrats point out that even if they could publish the shocking, disgusting ‘aristocrats’ jokes, they wouldn’t dare for fear of ruining the punch line. According to press reports, ‘the aristocrats’ is the funniest joke ever, and to reveal it would be tantamount to a crime against comedy, not to mention, the film’s word-of-mouth marketing effort.
Well, since we walked out of The Crying Game and told everyone on line for the next showing that Jaye Davidson is a man, and delighted in revealing that the wife did it in Presumed Innocent, we’re gonna break ranks. Once you read the joke, you can decide for yourself if it is, indeed, the funniest joke ever told.
Knock knock?
Who’s there?
The Aristocrats.
The Aristocrats who…?

Grave

January 30th, 2005: This Birthday’s Gonna Be da’ Bomb!

Post author By matt
Post date January 30, 2005
11 Comments on January 30th, 2005: This Birthday’s Gonna Be da’ Bomb!

For a Man With A Whole Lotta Heart (Problems)
“Suicide bombs and mortars killed at least 27 people, but voters still came out in force for the first multi-party poll in 50 years. In some places they cheered with joy at their first chance to cast a free vote, in others they shared chocolates.” – Iraqis Brave Bombs to Vote in Their Millions, Reuters, Jan. 30, 2005.
“Mr. Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, on January 30, 1941 and grew up in Casper, Wyoming…” – White House bio
Last Year: Present Accomplished

Grave

Ideological Corrections: For the Record

Post author By matt
Post date January 29, 2005

From “Corrections,” The New York Times, Jan. 29, 2005:

Because of an editing error, an article yesterday about Condoleezza Rice’s first day as secretary of state referred incorrectly to her coming trip to the Mideast. She will meet Palestinian leaders in the West Bank, not in Israel.

Grave

Two Friends Talking: A One Act Play

Post author By matt
Post date January 27, 2005
3 Comments on Two Friends Talking: A One Act Play

Blair Calls on United States to Cooperate With Rest of the World, by Alan Cowell, The New York Times, Jan. 27, 2005.
TB: Mr. President, you need to cooperate with the rest of the world, sir.
GWB: Aw, hoss. Why you ridin’ my ass?
TB: Mr. Bush, I’m quite serious on this matter.
GWB: ‘Quite serious!’ Fah-fah-fah, I’m an Englisher! Spotted dick!
TB: Now listen here, Mr. President: I shan’t allow you to mock my accent. The world needs unity.
GWB: Shan’t. That’s funny, hoss. You callin’ me from a dang car phone, Tonesy?
TB: Busted, sir.
GWB: Now you know you can’t be callin’ me from no car phone, man! Ashcroft’s got one of them scanners: Laura and I gotta turn on the bathroom sinks just to talk dirty. You can’t be callin’ me from no car phone, hoss.
TB: Yes, sir. Well, Mr. President, I’m almost to my destination. Please do try to cooperate with the rest of the world.
GWB: Alright, hoss. You know I’d do anything for you, Tone. You’re my boy. You’re my boy, Blue! You’re my boy! You get that over there in Britland, Tony? Ya’ get it?
TB: Yes, Mr. President. I saw Old School. Very amusing. I, um, must go now. I’m getting another call. It’s Nelson Mandela.
GWB: Nelson? He’s my boy, too—
TB: Breaking… breaking up, sir.
[click]
GWB: Tony? Tony? Damn dial tone. Get it? Tony, Tony, Tone? Ya’ get that, hoss? Damn, I’m talkin’ to myself here.
[with respect to David Rees: You’re my boy, Rees!]