Author: guy

Excerpted from “The Tonight Show,” September, 1991, on the occasion of the Soviet Republics’ movement toward independence:

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation…Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.
Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike Communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other, weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It’s a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head–this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Ah, Park City in January, otherwise known as the Dance Season – that’s Sundance, Slamdance, and Nodance (now defunct). Those of you foolish enough to brave Park City’s bad hat weather and blue law strictures, however, would do well to catch the debut of Crispin Glover’s What Is It?
That’s right, Glover’s long-awaited, first-in-a-trilogy, what-the-fuck, madhouse will enjoy three public screenings, all followed by Q&A Sessions with the creepy auteur. The film, as per imdb:

The film features a cast consisting largely of actors with Down Syndrome, a snail with the voice of Fairuza Balk, and legendary publisher Adam Parfrey playing “Jealous Minstrel.”
What is it? Indeed. Some help might be gleaned from Glover’s Apocalypse Culture II essay of the same name, in which he blames Steven Spielberg for Columbine, kind of.
The trailer for “What Is It?” is available from Crispin Glover’s official site – it is, however, not safe for work.
After the jump, witness an early poster for “What Is It?” featuring Shirley Temple nude, in Nazi garb. Clearly not safe for anywhere.

Rashomon, in case you were wondering, is Akira Kurasawa’s 1950 classic in which the account of a murder-rape is told from four very different points of view. There’s nothing quite like it — an opinon borne out by newspapers’ insistence on invoking the film whenever accounts of any given event differ, which is, like, all the time. A brief Lexis-Nexis search later and it becomes apparent — the New York Times is by far the most egregious abuser of the “Rashomon” shorthand. Confer:
Rashomon in Melbourne
To hurl a bustling, kaleidoscopic, Rashomonian novel into the present climate is to indulge in a gamble — a bid for space and quiet and the willing suspension of disbelief — that is either foolish or heroic or, most likely, both.
by Daphne Merkin, 1/16/05
The Suspense Is Killing Me
Burt makes the most of a Rashomon approach, deftly demonstrating that what lives vividly in one person’s memory can be erased or deeply buried in another’s.
by John Hartl, 12/19/04
Five Faces of Antigone, From Surfer Babe to Widow
”Antigone Project” fast-forwards its Greek heroine to the present, then offers a Rashomon-ized view of her tragic plight, interpreted by five female writers paired with five female directors.
by Phoebe Hoban, 10/27/04
“Rashomon” Meets “Gilligan’s Island”
”Lost,” a new ABC drama about air-crash survivors marooned on a spooky deserted island, sounds ludicrous — ”Gilligan’s Island” meets ”The X-Files.’
by Alessandra Stanley, 9/12/04
Moody Loners Vs. Bad Guys
[…] and on “Boomtown,” the Rashomon of crime shows, all the characters get a chance to interpret the evidence their own way.
by Alessandra Stanley, 10/26/03
Partly Mozart Followed by the Real Thing
Mozart got the Rashomon treatment at the Mostly Mozart festival on Tuesday night.
by Anne Midgette, 8/7/03
Corrections
An article last Sunday about the Albany budget negotiations misstated the source of the “Rashomon” narrative technique, which reveals shifting views of the same event through different witnesses. It was used in the 1950 film of that name by Akira Kurosawa, not in the short story by that name. (The film was based on two stories by Ryunosuke Akutagawa — “In a Grove,” which uses the technique, and “Rashomon,” which does not.)
6/1/03
We could go on, and we will — more “Rashomon’s” after the jump.

Despite low culture’s attorney’s protestations, we’re pushing through with our New York Times Op-Ed Page blind item guessing game, pesky legal troubles be damned.
From yesterday’s Maureen Dowd column:

A few years ago at a White House Correspondents’ dinner, I met a very beautiful actress. Within moments, she blurted out: “I can’t believe I’m 46 and not married. Men only want to marry their personal assistants or P.R. women.”

Send your (nonlibelous!) theories to tips@gaw, er, just post them in the comments or something.

Russell Simmons offers up some truly troubling stills from the set of Phat Farm’s new sneaker campaign.
At least it doesn’t look like his maids are going to make another appearance…

Hols from £9.50? That 8-Page pullout and booking form must be amazing.

In honor of today’s DVD/video release of the Dax Shepard vehicle Without a Paddle, low culture is proud to present the following unpublished excerpt from an interview with Ashton Kutcher, Dax’s Punk’d co-star. (The interviewer shall remain nameless.)

And now Ashton will finally have his chance to catch the film, described by the Boston Globe as “harmlessly cretinous.”

(Answer Key: John Goodman + Ricky Gervais = Michael Moore at Sunday’s People’s Choice Awards)
Previously: Vol. 2, Vol. 1