Iraqi policemen in Najaf, Iraq on Monday, Feb. 7, 2005, living it up.
(AP Photo/Hadi Mizban)
Iraqi policemen in Baghdad, Iraq on Tuesday, Feb. 8, 2005, dying it up.
(AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)
US soldiers at Camp Liberty in Baghdad, Iraq on Monday, Feb. 7, 2005, eating it up.
(AP Photo/Chris Tomlinson)
Since The New Yorker‘s a double this week, and Andy Borowitz has been spreading himself a bit thin lately, I’m gonna take bad comedy matters into my own hands.
Here’s something twice as unfunny as you’re likely find on The Times op-ed page or in The New Yorker‘s ‘Shouts & Murmurs’ and you can read it for free.
If you ask the White House what President Bush is reading these days, the press office will call back with the official list: “His Excellency: George Washington” by Joseph J. Ellis, “Alexander Hamilton” by Ron Chernow and, not least, the Bible.
What the official list omits is Tom Wolfe’s racy new beer- and sex-soaked novel, “I Am Charlotte Simmons.” The president, a fan of Mr. Wolfe, has not only read the book but also is enthusiastically recommending it to friends.
– Bush’s Official Reading List, and a Racy Omission, by Elisabeth Bumiller, The New York Times, Feb. 7, 2005.
Also on George W. Bush’s reading list:
The Five Thousand Dead Iraqi People You Meet in Heaven
Beats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Abu Ghraib
Baby-killers’ Club Friends Forever # 12: Wolfowitz and the Disaster Date
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Blank : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Gays
Dreams from My Father : A Story of Golf and Inheritance
This I Believe: An A to B of a Life
Ford Mustang convertible
Diet Pepsi (and P. Diddy and Carson Daly and Wilmer Valderrama)
Bubblicious
Olympus M:Rope
Ameriquest Mortgage
FedEx Kinko’s (and Burt Reynolds)
Bud Light (and Cedric the Entertainer )
Volvo (and Virgin Galactic and Richard Branson)
Diet Pepsi (and Cindy Crawford and Carson Kressley)
Godaddy.com (and enormous breasts)
The Longest Yard
Bud Light
The Longest Yard
McDonald’s (and Abraham Lincoln)
The Simpsons
Visa Check Card (and Marvel Comics)
Ameriquest Mortgage
Quizno’s (and Baby Bob)
Ameriquest Mortgage
MBNA (and Gladys Knight and John Travolta)
24 (and nuclear disaster)
American Idol
From the Idiots What Brung You Enron: 2006 Goverment Budget (via AP)
Line Item: Printing Costs, 2006 Federal Budget, first edition: $10 Million.
My, what big teeth you have (via Kerwoodwolf)
From Wolf’s Future in Wyoming, as Predator or Fragile Species, Is in Court’s Hands, by Kirk Johnson, The New York Times, Feb. 5, 2005:
CHEYENNE, Wyo., Feb. 4 – Gray wolves have thrived in the West since their reintroduction into Yellowstone National Park 10 years ago last month. No one disputes that. There is also broad agreement among federal wildlife officials, ranchers and conservationists that the time is ripe to remove the protections of the Endangered Species Act under which the wolves made their comeback.
[…]
The state argues that wolves are predators across much of Wyoming where they now roam and should be treated as such – residents should be allowed to shoot them at will, like other varmints.
What the fuck? Bush and Cheney promised they’d prevent the wolves from attacking us. They promised!
What’s next? Social Security won’t hit an iceberg?
Perhaps you’ve seen the ads for Marlboro Seventy-Twos in Seventeen magazine, while watching MTV, or at your local youth center. And perhaps, like low culture, you’ve been tempted to find out more about Philip Morris’ newest teen sensation and buy a pack. Don’t.
A quick phone call to the suicide hotline at Philip Morris revealed that the “Seventy Twos” are merely shorter cigarettes. That’s right – no value-added tar, chemicals, toxins or tobacco – it’s just less cigarette at the same obscene price. If the tobacco companies can’t be trusted to offer their consumers the best value, can they be trusted at all? Probably.
Wait, wait, wait, my mistake. This particular chart was prepared to demonstrate the dire failings of Social Security, and not the President’s reckless federal budget.
Alert graph readers can make note of this by observing that the above chart depicts a spending deficit occurring sometime after 2020, whereas, with the President’s budget, we’ve had a federal deficit since early 2002.
Okay, we admit we’re not above begging. Please go to The 2005 Bloggies site and vote for us for ‘Best Weblog About Politics’ and ‘Best Group Weblog.’
It means a super lot to us! (Which is why we’re begging!!) And we’ll totally remember you when we’re famous. And, um, we’ll make T-shirts! And we’ll do TV talking head shit. Please, anything. Please, baby, please, baby, baby, baby, please!
Go vote today!
(I’m Matt Haber, and I approve this message.)