Category: Shallow

In honor of Jonathan Ames‘ week-long diary of his trip to Club Med on McSweeneys.net, we here at low culture would like to announce our First Annual (Ever?) Jonathan Ames Write-Alike Contest.
Please use our comments area to post your entries. Extra points awarded for use of Yiddish, references to Scott Fitzgerald, detailed descriptions of bodily functions, and in-depth questioning of your sexuality. All entries not in the first-person will be automatically disqualified.
Winning entry will be printed out and hand delivered to Ames who lives two blocks away from me. (Or his mailbox: see nonexistant rules for further information.) All entries must be submitted…whenever. Must be 18 years or older to enter; only one winner per state, sorry Tennessee.

I snoozed on this all week, but this comes from Wednesday’s Times article,
Remains of Dean’s Long-Missing Brother Found by Jodi Wilgoren and Michael Slackman:
Every day on the campaign trail, Howard Dean wears an unfashionable black belt that belonged to his younger brother Charlie, a silent memorial to the man who vanished while traveling the Mekong River 29 years ago… Dr. Dean has worn the black leather belt with the large, silver-rimmed holes for at least 20 years, and counts his brother’s death as a watershed that made him more serious about his own future.
How many middle aged men can say they’ve been able to wear the same belt for 20 years? Oh, and it’s a shame about his brother, too.
[Yes, I know that the belt on the left is brown with a brass buckle.]

Being a journalist is hard work. You have to pound the pavement in search of sources, burn the candle at both ends to write engaging sentences, and worst of all, you have to read the whole blurb on the dust jacket of a book for that deep, deep background.
Ask anyone writing about super producer-turned-alleged murderer, Phil Spector. This comes the back cover blurb of Mark Ribowsky’s 1989 book He’s A Rebel: Phil Spector, Rock and Roll’s Legendary Producer: “Phil Spector created the ‘wall of sound,’ produced the Beatles’ last record, persuaded the Ramones to go ‘pop,’ made the Righteous brothers sound respectable, and was a millionaire by age 21.”
If that last part of the sentence sounds familiar, then you’ve been paying attention:
“As songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the band, which hit the big time with To Know Him is to Love Him, he became a millionaire by the age of 21.
“‘To Know Him Is to Love Him’ and made him a millionaire by age 21.”
“By the time he was 21, Spector was a millionaire.”
“ Spector was a millionaire by age 21, and his music career exploded after he came onto the music scene as a member of the band the Teddy Bears.”
“Spector had started his career as a musician with a band called the Teddy Bears before embarking on a songwriting and production career that made him a millionaire by the age of 21.”
“Spector was only 21 years old, and he was a millionaire.”
“…the youngest record company head and a millionaire age 21, dubbed Tycoon of Teen.”
“Spector got his start in the music business in 1958 as a songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the Los Angeles group the Teddy Bears, which had a hit single with ‘To Know Him is to Love Him’ and made him a millionaire by age 21. ”
Spector began promoting, producing and creating bands when he was in his teens, and was a millionaire by the time he was 21.”
“Phil Spector, the legendary but reclusive American producer who invented the ‘wall of sound’, hit No. 1 with his very first single and was a millionaire by 21.”
“By 21, Spector was a millionaire and a maverick dubbed the ‘teen tycoon’ by author Tom Wolfe.”
I don’t know, know, know about you, but I broke into a sweat just summarizing it.

I thought Tracks Magazine the new Alan Light/John Rollins joint, was gonna be all about music. Why the hell is Wolverine on the cover of the first issue?

Kmart using Jesus Jones‘ paean to democracy in Eastern Europe? That’s just wrong. Really wrong.

Anyone else getting a real Ingmar Bergman Persona vibe off this photo? (Or maybe Picasso?)

The hard-hitting newsmen and women at CBS News in New York decided to follow last night’s spankin’ Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Grambo review, TK) with a report on how unsanitary Victoria’s Secret retail stores are. Here’s a cringe-inducing sample of the report:
John, not his real name, is a disgruntled former employee of two Victoria’s Secret stores. He came to us with the revolting allegation that it was store practice to take back used underwear and then resell it.
“When women would come in, I would be disgusted. I knew they were returning something they wore out to a date or just wore out to a club and it’s like, you want another woman to buy this?” said John.
[Reporter Arnold] Diaz asked John if there were there times that he put back underwear that he was pretty sure was used, “Yeah, all the time, all the time. I don’t even like touching it, I hold it by the tag because I don’t want to put my hands on that.”
What the hell do you call that? An apology? A rebuke? Synergy?

Courtney, we really, really knew ye.
You know that totally narcissistic fantasy you have about being able to attend your own funeral and hear what everyone has to say about you? (You know, like this guy.) Well, the girl with the most cake gets to have that experience without all the messy details of dying first.
This week, The Stranger looks back at the life of Courtney Love from her musical legacy to her amazing Hollywood make-over. There’s also a peak at new Loves and a celebrity humurist/eulogist to crack wise. (David Kamp wasn’t free, so they got this dude.)
It’s sad. She had so much to live for, but I guess she just couldn’t live through this.*
* Please don’t post that Courtney, as of 8AM EST is still alive. I get the joke, okay?