Alternate Histrionics

While today’s New York Times’ op-ed page affords Nigel Hamilton the opportunity to less-than-methodically imagine a world in which JFK was never killed, somehow Hamilton managed to overlook the obvious impact Kennedy’s un-assassination would have on the entertainment industry. Well low culture is here to fill in the blanks, following in the Times’ illegible footsteps.

1964 The Manchurian Candidate’s release is not delayed due to Kennedy’s not having been assassinated. Its failure to eerily foresee recent events does not haunt audiences anywhere. 1971 Jack Valenti Robert Evans marries Love Story’s Goldie Hawn. 1972 Jack Valenti The film Deep Throat is instead titled JFK’s Two Terms as President. 1976 Jack Valenti All the President’s Men? Never happened. 1980 Jack Valenti Critics maintain that John F. Kennedy’s cameo in Smokey and the Bandit II merely serves to obscure shortcomings in the second-act. 1986 Jack Valenti Oliver Stone’s Stripes II: Platoon imagines a group of wacky GI’s looking for ladies while trying to survive boot camp. 1988 Jack Valenti The Wonder Years stars Fred Savage as a twelve year old growing up through the placid, less-than-revolutionary ‘60’s. Winnie Cooper’s older brother is alive and well. 1989 Jack Valenti Oliver Stone’s biopic Born on the Fourth of July doesn’t really make any sense. 1991 Jack Valenti Oliver Stone’s biopic JFK opens to mixed reviews, largely criticized for glossing over “Angie Dickinson-gate.” 1991 Jack Valenti An unknown Lee Harvey Oswald appears in Richard Linklater’s Slackers. His monologue on “Paul Is Dead” proves to be rambling, confusing nonsense. 1995 Jack Valenti Oliver Stone’s biopic Cuomo fails to find distribution. 2001 Jack Valenti After the death of JFK Jr., neither Dominick Dunne nor Steve Dunleavy speculates on the tragic history of the Kennedy clan. 2004 Billy Tauzin