Satirical Shallow

Alternate Histrionics

While today’s New York Times’ op-ed page affords Nigel Hamilton the opportunity to less-than-methodically imagine a world in which JFK was never killed, somehow Hamilton managed to overlook the obvious impact Kennedy’s un-assassination would have on the entertainment industry. Well low culture is here to fill in the blanks, following in the Times’ illegible footsteps.

1964 film-arrow.gifThe Manchurian Candidate’s release is not delayed due to Kennedy’s not having been assassinated. Its failure to eerily foresee recent events does not haunt audiences anywhere. 1971 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifRobert Evans marries Love Story’s Goldie Hawn. 1972 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gif The film Deep Throat is instead titled JFK’s Two Terms as President. 1976 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gif All the President’s Men? Never happened. 1980 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifCritics maintain that John F. Kennedy’s cameo in Smokey and the Bandit II merely serves to obscure shortcomings in the second-act. 1986 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s Stripes II: Platoon imagines a group of wacky GI’s looking for ladies while trying to survive boot camp. 1988 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifThe Wonder Years stars Fred Savage as a twelve year old growing up through the placid, less-than-revolutionary ‘60’s. Winnie Cooper’s older brother is alive and well. 1989 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic Born on the Fourth of July doesn’t really make any sense. 1991 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic JFK opens to mixed reviews, largely criticized for glossing over “Angie Dickinson-gate.” 1991 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifAn unknown Lee Harvey Oswald appears in Richard Linklater’s Slackers. His monologue on “Paul Is Dead” proves to be rambling, confusing nonsense. 1995 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic Cuomo fails to find distribution. 2001 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifAfter the death of JFK Jr., neither Dominick Dunne nor Steve Dunleavy speculates on the tragic history of the Kennedy clan. 2004 pres-arrow.gifBilly Tauzin

3 replies on “Alternate Histrionics”

Yeah, I’m sorry to report that in alternate universe JFK world, “Love Story” actually featured Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase. It played a lot more like the Ashton Kutcher-Brittanny Murphy vehicle “Just Married.”

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