We’re all tired. You earned your week off, Frank.
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Category: Shallow
Categories
Team Zissou Meets the PLO
Yasser Arafat, world’s biggest Wes Anderson fan, prepares for the Life Aquatic marketing juggernaut.
[With apologies to Radosh who, unbeknownst to me, got there first.]
That time the Italian guy said something nasty to that black guy and then the black guy said something nasty back to the Italian guy and Colin was all like, “We just tell it like we see it, people.”
The O.C. is back! Dude, The O.C. is totally, totally back!
And not a minute too soon. Nothing makes me forget the difficulties of being an adult than watching a bunch of attractive actors play out fantasy scenarios of the awesome teen years I never had. After a long day of commuting to work, being belittled and humiliated by employers, forced into small talk with ignorant coworkers, trips to the ATM to see you have less money than yesterday, skimming magazines and seeing images of a good life you will never be able to attain, and commuting home to your tiny, over-priced hovel for another night with the partner you’ve settled on, nothing speaks to you like The O.C., baby!
Guys, isn’t it so awesome that you can ogle the chicks on the show even though they’re underage? It’s like an hour-long suspension of all known statutory rape laws. They’re so much younger than your wife or girlfriend, and it’s a lot safer than talking to girls in AOL chat-rooms or flirting with your daughter’s friends. And you can totally masturbate to it if you watch it in your den with the door closed.
And ladies, isn’t it so great that you get to be in love with that nerd character, even though when you were in high school, you would’ve wanted nothing to do with him and probably spent the majority of your day making his life a living hell? But compared to your insensitive, foul-smelling, hairy-backed manchild of a husband or boyfriend, the so-called man who makes love to you with the repetitive, passionless finesse of a Punch Press, that O.C. geek is like prince charming. You even cut his photo out of Entertainment Weekly. You are too cute!
God, when did your life start to suck so bad that the completely fictional lives of imaginary rich kids become the ultimate escape? If you think about, you almost want to cry. You almost want to shoot yourself with a diamond bullet that would tear you apart, shattering the numbing boredom of your life, the endless trips to the gas station, the loading and unloading of the washing machine, the mortgage payments, the judgmental glares of all those people who think they’re better than you even though you try your best to be a good person, the microwaved leftovers that are still cold in the middle, that feeling you have after three beers on a Sunday, sitting on the couch not quite drunk but dimly aware that this is it, this is all there is to your life. And you’re, what, 32? Jesus.
Yay! The O.C.! Yay!!!
Okay, that was a complete failure. I’ve never even seen The O.C.. I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs 8PM EST, on FOX.
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We’re Back (Like It Matters)
Hi. Hey, how are you? You look really good. Are you working out? Or, wait, it’s your hair. It looks great! How did we not notice your haircut? It’s so, so great.
Us? We’re alright. I mean, we’re okay. Actually, we’re not so good. You won’t believe the week we had. First, our site went down. I know, it’s nuts! Right before the election! Some software crap. Or server crap. Or some combination thereof. Messy stuff. Stressful, too.
We’re fine now, I think. I mean, we’re still coughing up chunks of phlegm the size of walnuts, but we’re gonna go back to work and stuff. We’ll survive.
Luckily, not much happened in our absence. Oh, that election thing? That’s nothing. We’re not even thinking about it. These new meds our doctor gave us create a cool, calm feeling inside us that makes this election look like… Well, it looks like everything else right now: sort of hazy, flowing like blue-tinted liquid glass that encircles our awareness of reality and encloses the burning rage and despair we feel deep down in the part of us that’s still alive. It’s awesome: you gotta get some medication, you won’t be sorry.
And we got our hair cut, too! Do we look good? Well, we’ll be back to posting shortly, in between cutting ourselves and lighting fires behind our house. It’s good to see you. We really love your hair.
“This matter has caused enormous pain… This brutal ordeal is now officially over, and I will never speak of it again.”
—Bill O’Reilly
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The Who… Well, You Know
I know that pointing out the “irony” of The Who releasing an album called The Who Sell Out in 1967 and then selling out their every song to Madison Avenue and Hollywood is about as clever as suggesting that Alanis Morissette misunderstood the meaning of the word “Ironic.” But The Who-ification of commercials, TV, movies, and trailers is starting to get out of control and it’s time to put a stop to it.
Is there a single commercial in production that’s not considering using a Who song? Will we see these song/product synergies in the near future?
“Fiddle About” to promote Pampers? “Behind Blue Eyes” to promote Fresh Look color contacts? (Or does “Eyesight to the Blind” work better?) “You Better You Bet” to promote Atlantic City tourism? “Tommy Can You Hear Me?” to promote hearing aids? “Squeeze Box” to promote laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery?
Really, Pete and Roger: We’ve all just “Had Enough.”
Rhys Ifans in Enduring Love and its prequel Danny Deckchair
Rhys Ifans’ new film, Enduring Love, is a charming sequel to his even charminger Danny Deckchair, in which Mr. Ifans’ relationship with ballooning is further explored. Up next for Mr. Ifans? Maria Full of Grace 2.
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Man Underwhelmed
Gentle Ben: Man, you don’t look so good.
You survived Christmas… You collected your Paycheck… But are you ready for Ben Affleck’s next cinematic blast of explosive diarrhea, Man About Town?
Currently filming in lovely Vancouver, Man also stars Oscar and Nobel Prize nominees Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Amber Valletta, and Gina Gershon, and, oddly, Air America Radio‘s own Sam Seder. (Sam, Sam, Sam. Well, I guess you and Ben are having some good talks about John Kerry.)
But if these names—and BEN AFFLECK—aren’t enough to pump you up for this film, maybe its writer, director, and co-star will: Mike Binder!
You know, he of the sub-sub-sub-Woody Allen knock-offs The Sex Monster and Londinium (straight to cable and straight to your funny bone!), and HBO‘s second funniest show (after Arli$$, natch) The Mind of the Married Man! (Why only one season, HBO? Now we’ll never know if Binder’s character Micky Barnes ever followed through on that apt metaphor for the entire show and got that full-release massage or not.)
I for one cannot wait to see the one-two comedy punch of Binder and Affleck. Oh, and did I mention that it also stars the coolest teacher at “Manhattan High School,” Howard Hesseman? Well it does!
Truly, this will be a Man in full!
Roger “I Don’t Just Flack for Harvey” Friedman reports:
“[Y]es, that was Fallon caught live on Fox extravagantly kissing a blonde who looked a lot like Drew Barrymore on the field right after the Red Sox won the World Series…The reason for their appearance: Jimmy and Drew are filming a new movie called ‘Fever Pitch‘ about an obsessed Red Sox fan and the girl he loves.”
Directed by the Farrelly brothers from a script adapted by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel. Heart, prepare to be warmed!