Category: Shallow

Today’s ‘Real Life Workplace’ interview is with Agent Jack Bristow, a thirty-five year veteran of the CIA. What sorts of challenges come from working in a high pressure environment where national security is a daily concern?
What’s the CIA like on the inside? Read on and find out.
low culture: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, Agent Bristow.
Jack Bristow: It’s my pleasure, I’m sure. I am, however, a very busy man, so let’s get down to it.
low culture: Sure, sure. So, in case you don’t know, low culture is a careers website. We offer information for job hunters, employers, and the like. I’m interested in talking to you about your work.
Jack Bristow: Fine. But know that some things are classified.
low culture: Right. So, you work for the CIA, right?
Jack Bristow: Classified.
low culture: But you previously worked for an organization called SD-6, right?
Jack Bristow: Again, classified. I cannot answer these questions and if you persist in asking them, I’ll have to terminate this interview.
low culture: Got it. Okay, so, you, um, you work with your daughter, Sydney, right?
Jack Bristow: Yes, that’s true.
low culture: Your daughter is so hot.
Jack Bristow: Pardon me?
low culture: Nothing. So, is it difficult working so closely with a family member?
Jack Bristow: There are challenges inherent in any workplace. Ours is no different. People occasionally don’t get along, alliances and relationships shift or breakdown. These things happen.
low culture: Right, but, you had problems with your daughter for a long time, is that correct? Didn’t you kill her mom?
Jack Bristow: What? What sort of interview is this? I’m going to have to hang up now unless you refrain from such inappropriate personal questions.
low culture: Sorry, sorry. So, is it hard working with your daughter when she has to get dressed up in so many different outfits all the time? Does that weird you out?
Jack Bristow: Weird me out?
low culture: You know, do you ever see your daughter done up like a blond Swedish hooker or a Russian astrophysicist and you, like, get wood?
Jack Bristow: Now you listen to me…
low culture: Wait, wait. You misunderstand. I apologize: English is my second language. I’m French Canadian.
Jack Bristow: Really? I was born in Ontario.
low culture: No way! Did that make it hard to get high level CIA clearance?
Jack Bristow: That’s classified.
low culture: Oh, right, right. So, your daughter was dating a colleague. Is that strange?
Jack Bristow: Why so many questions about my daughter?
low culture: Have I been asking so many questions about your daughter?
Jack Bristow: Yes, in fact you have.
low culture: Oh, she’s just so super hot. What’s her email address?
Jack Bristow: Now you listen to me, this is the least professional interview I’ve ever been subjected to!
low culture: Alright, alright. Is it like yours? I assume it’s something like s.bristow@classified.mailer-daemon.cia.gov. Would that work?
Jack Bristow: This interview is over. I don’t even know how you got this number.
low culture: Can you just tell me one last thing? One last thing for all the job hunters, employers, and the like? Please?
Jack Bristow: Fine. One question.
low culture: What does she smell like?
Jack Bristow: Whom?
low culture: Your daughter, Sydney. I kind of imagine she smells like soap, but also a little bit of sweaty b.o.
Jack Bristow: What?
low culture: Clean, sporty girl b.o. like a field hockey player. Not gross b.o. like some sweaty freak.
Jack Bristow: Rest assured, you will be disappeared within 24 hours.
[click]
low culture: Hello? Sounds like you’re still on the line. Helllllo? Agent Bristow? Jack…? Sydney?
Related: If you have any information on Jack Bristow’s daughter (particularly photos), please email low culture. (Within 24 hours at the latest.)

Totally deaf human-person Marlee Matlin deserves to be given the hand gestures for enthusiastic applause and patronizing congratulation upon the news of her appointment to head a new, conservative imprint for Simon & Schuster. Despite Matlin’s complete inability to hear, and her limited ability to speak like a normal person, she has not only won a Special Academy Award but also managed to domesticate notorious pussy-hound James Carville. The two have become ubiquitous for their “opposites attract” romance: Carville is the classic Clinton-era liberal while Matlin is completely, defiantly deaf. They both starred in the cult classic K Street and have become poster children for people who have starred in K Street.
Because of Matlin’s handicapability, her as yet unnamed imprint will undoubtedly offer its conservative titles in Braille editions. And that presumptive breakthrough, shattering the conservative publishing industry’s notorious deaf-glass-ceiling, deserves enthusiastic, visually demonstrative applause.