Category: Desperate

10. Scott’ched
9. McClellan/Departney
8. Don’t Look Flack
7. Too Meek’s Notice
6. Mild and Out
5. Something, Something, Jewish Joke Here TK
4. Spun Out
3. F’d Scott
2. Scott Bye-O!
1. Best Week Ever


Carnac Says: “You will do a segment about Hu Jintao’s dinner with Bill Gates using the headline Guess Hu’s Coming to Dinner. Myaaaaw… May your jokes be ghosted by Andy Borowitz!”

We’ve received these pictures before and sort of ignored them. But they showed up today, and have newfound relevantacity. If the emailer from a right wing-aligned media organization close to the story is to be believed—and frankly, there’s no particular reason to believe it, but why not?—that’s Clinton, with his arm around pretty much everyone he meets. Insert your own politically-motivated, disgraced journalist-coddling jokes here.

It’s Thursday? What happened? I thought it was Wednesday.

From Sesame Workshop and Experts from Less Than Zero: Sesame Seeds, a fun, new way to give your fetus the ultimate head start.
Related: Sesame Street Videos Spark Controversy, by David Crary, Associated Press, April 4, 2006.

Well, it must’ve just slipped his mind while they bantered about margaritas.

They Fuck You Up, Your Mum and Dad: The casts of The Celebration and Arrested Development.
Daily Variety is reporting that Mitch Hurwitz, creator of FOX’s beloved—but chronically ratings bereft—sitcom Arrested Development, will not oversee the Bluth family’s move to Showtime’s gated premium cable community.
Fans of the series will no doubt be saddened by this news, but Bluth lovers should celebrate. Specifically, they should have a Celebration—Thomas Vinterberg’s Dogme # 1: The Celebration.

Arrested Development	The Celebration
Stately, isolated location: Model Home	Stately, isolated location: Hotel
Imposing yet flawed patriarch: George Bluth (Jeffrey Tambor)	Imposing yet flawed patriarch: Helge Klingenfeldt-Hansen (Henning Moritzen)
Tightly-wound, well-preserved mother: Lucille Bluth (Jessica Walter)	Tightly-wound, well-preserved mother: Mother (Birthe Neumann)
Male/female fraternal twins: Michael (Jason Bateman) and his sister Lindsay (Portia de Rossi)	Male/female fraternal twins: Christian (Ulrich Thomsen) and his late sister Linda
Blustery, dim-witted brother: GOB (Will Arnett)	Blustery, dim-witted brother: Michael (Thomas Bo Larsen)
Ditzy younger sibling with an “inappropriate” lover: Buster (Tony Hale) and Lucille Austero (Liza Minelli)	Ditzy younger sibling with an “inappropriate” lover: Helene (Paprika Steen) and Gbatokai (Gbatokai Dakinah)
Deep Dark Secret: Broke	Deep Dark Secret: Too dark to reveal
Funny ha-ha	Funny awkward

Un-Ironic Sheik: Larry the Cable Guy and Joe Pantoliano (who really should know better).
Indian Food: What, no beef? What’cha’ll think? Cows is sacred cows? And dang, this stuff is hot!
Japanese Food: Raw fish? You gots to be kiddin’ me, hoss! Maybe if you battered and deep fry that there sashimi I’d eat it. The only fisherman I trust is the Gorton’s Fisherman! And that wasabi? Dang, that stuff is hot!
Ethiopian Food: Anybody ever teach ya’ll about forks and knives? Maybe if ya’ll learned to eat respectabably you might’n’t be so dang hungry all the time!
Chinese Food: Spare ribs’r good, boy! But I ain’t gonna touch that cum of som yung guy! Dang! I’m hungry again fifteen minutes later, hoss!
Thai Food: If I wanted me some peanuts, I woulda gone to the ballpark, hoss! And dang, this stuff is hot!
Italian Food: Y’all got some catsup for my noodles? And dang, that’s a spicy-a meat-a-ball!
Mexican Food: Man, this gives me the toots, boy! And why’s that tortilla so flat? So ya’ll can slip it under the border when you come here to steal our jobs? And dang, that salsa’s hot!
Afghan Food: No way, hoss! Ain’t gonna touch it! These colors—and my bowels—don’t run!
British Food: This stuff’s awful! Dang! How come no one ever mentions how awful this stuff is, hoss?
Pakistani Food: There ain’t no difference from that In’jun food, right? And, dang, this stuff is hot!
Korean Food: These kimchis ain’t no pickles I’ve ever seen! And ya’ll left ’em in a jar where?
Soul Food: The historical legacy of slavery weighs heavily upon us all. Respect for our fellow man requires that citizens with conscience offer a hand-up—not a hand-out—to level the playing field and eradicate the still painful sting of institutional racism. And, dang, ya’ll like some fatty foods, boy! I mean… sir.

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven: Snarly & Me, hitting bookshelves in about 8 years.
Earlier: The George W. Bush Book Club (All Hack Edition).

Benny and Billy McGuire

Record: Heaviest Twins, weighing 1,500 lbs combined
Whereabouts: Dead. Obviously.

Don Cook

Record: Wearing a 21,000 bee beard
Whereabouts: Retired after severe allergy attack caused anaphylactic shock. (Though not from a bee sting—from a peanut.)

  Karna Ram Bheal

Record: Longest Moustache, 8’ 6”
Whereabouts: Got out of the longest moustache business because it was getting way too commercial. “Back in the day, we just had 7’ moustaches for the sheer pleasure of it, man. And for her sheer pleasure.”

Sorin Monteanu

Record: Juggling 7 clubs at once
Whereabouts: Had a long hard look at himself and decided juggling was really uncool.

Shridar Chilal

Record: Longest Nails, length totally 108.5” long
Whereabouts: Met a nice girl at a fair in 1985 and decided it was time to cut his nails.

  Theraphosa blondi

Record: Largest Known Spider
Whereabouts: Crushed by Largest Known Copy of Newsweek

   Ned Weeks

Record: Largest Peanut (3.5”)
Whereabouts: Acquitted of attempted manslaughter for feeding Don “Bee Guy” Cook a really big peanut.

 Dixie Cup

Record: Largest Paper Cup, 6’ tall, holds 569 gallons
Whereabouts: Widely available at all 7-11 outlets and Loews-AMC movie theaters

 Linda Kurth

Record: Eating 23 2-oz. Hotdogs in 3 minutes 10 seconds
Whereabouts: Unknown. If you know Linda—or if you are Linda—please contact the authors, care of this website. Pleeease.