Author: matt

The chairman
Guys, you know when your girlfriend asks you if you she ‘looks fat in this’ and you have to be like, “No way! You look fantastic!” But sometimes she does kinda look fat in that and maybe a guy on the street will say something like “thick” as she passes and you have to be like, “That guy is insane! You do not look fat at all!” But you’re sort of relieved that someone else got to say it and not you? (Gals, this is probably like when your boyfriend asks about his endowment and you have to spin like Ari Fleischer at Equinox.)
Anyway, that’s what it must be like to review a film critical of your boss for the newspaper your boss owns and operates.
Poor Meghan Lehman drew the short straw and had to review Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism for The New York Post, while her colleague Lou Lumenick got to see Code 46. (Mysteriously, Outfoxed‘s website is down! Coincidence?… Probably.)
With a headline like FAIR AND BALANCED, THIS DOC’S NOT, you can kind of guess what the critic is going to say without even reading the review. Lehman’s conclusion? “Unbalanced.” But my favorite part is this little rah-rah nut graph towards the end:

Fox News Channel consistently beats CNN and MSNBC, yet Greenwald approaches not a single viewer to probe the reasons for its popularity, nor a single current employee.

Yay! (I’ll leave it to this guy to confirm or refute that claim.)
Related, in today’s Post: BIZ LEADERS HAILED AS HARLEM HEROES “Post Publisher Lachlan Murdoch received an Excellence in Journalism Award…” As his father would say, “Excellent.”

Actually, no. It’s a highly stylized riot in South Korea.
Earlier iPod parodies: Here, here, and here.

First off, let me start by saying that I mean no disrespect by this post. I hope that the young Gotti boys—”The Hotti Gottis,” as their website calls them—understand that this is a joke and don’t get too upset. I watched your mom’s show last night and thought it was great: like The Osbournes, but with fewer dogs and no satanic home decor. But you fellas reminded me of some brothers from another mother, and I just wanted to point it out.

John (school V.P., honor roll)… and Joseph (Gimme A Break, Blossom

Frank (honor roll, seventh in his class)… and Andrew (Jack Frost, Oliver Beene)

Carmine (honor roll)… and Matthew (Mrs. Doubtfire, The Hot Chick)
Whoa! I don’t know whose wallpaper I should download, the Gottis’ or the Lawrences’.

What’s that in Denzel Washington’s hand? Why, it’s a book.
Jonathan Demme’s updated version of The Manchurian Candidate opened to $20M at the box office this weekend. The film was preceded by much conspiracy-mongering about what sort of left-leaning hobbyhorse Demme and Paramount chief Sherry Lansing rode in on and if their film about the country’s first “corporate owned V.P.” bears any resemblance to anyone in real life.
Well, it turns out there is a covert agenda floated forth in The Manchurian Candidate, but it’s not what you think: It’s a vast conspiracy aimed at making freedom-loving American people do something we are constitutionally averse to do: read.
Demme’s film is lousy with literary cameos. Check it out:

Walter Mosley (Bill Clinton’s favorite author) plays a congressman
Edwidge Danticat plays Rosie’s sister (seen in a photo)
Roy Blount, Jr. plays a pundit (who, along with actress/playwright Anna Deavere Smith, hip-hop pioneer Fab Five Freddy, monologist Reno, Def poet Beau Sia, and director Sidney Lumet seem to have fallen to the cutting-room floor)
E. Jean Carroll plays a reporter
Al Franken also plays a reporter
August Wilson appears (sort of) in a lingering shot of a Playbill for his show Jitney on Rosie’s wall.

Of course, this being a Demme film, there are tons of other cameos from friends and colleagues: Roger Corman (also an author!) appears as a former president, a promotion from FBI Director in Demme’s Silence of the Lambs. Artist/professor/fellow Lambs cameo-maker Jim Roche pops up, as do rocker Robyn Hitchcock, and the dude who plays Fuse TV’s own presidential candidate, Haymish Fuse.
None dare call it conspiracy! We are through the looking glass, people. Who will stop the reverse vampires?

Dubious claims made in Sunday’s New York Times Magazine:
Lest you jump to the conclusion that they attend a finishing-school where ladylike deportmant is instilled along with a wobbly grasp of the 3 R’s, both girls are ninth graders at Brearley, a Manhattan girls’ school that prides itself on its high academic standards and is renowned for producing independent-minded young women…
The Machines Men Still Want? by Daphne Merkin
Q: You’re the daughter of the novelist Alice Walker. Why did you decide to take her name instead of your father’s, who is a lawyer?
A: It’s not that important for me right now. Can we talk about something else?
Questions for Rebecca Walker by Deborah Solomon
“Andrea’s work has been about exposing the mechanism of the whole art system,” explained Dan Cameron, senior curator at the New Museum… “It underscores the paradox of ownership and pushes it into a realm that hasn’t been so pointed before.”
Sex, Art and Videotape by Guy Trebay
Now he’s releasing his first solo album, “The Slow Wonder,” under the name A.C. Newman – his initials “sound more rock, like AC/DC,” he explains – having received a grant from a Canadian foundation to record it.
Page Turner by Chris Norris
Carl Nelkin, a 43-year-old Dublin-born Jewish aviation-law consultant, has been trying to improve the situation by “marketing Ireland as a destination for Jewish people to move to.”
The Fading World of Leopold Bloom by Jonathan Wilson
“Golf is the new rock ‘n’ roll,” says Tim Southwell, editor of a new magazine called Golf Punk.
Dressed to the 9-Irons by Horacio Silva

Madonna ReInvention Tour (left) and Jane Fonda Aerobics (right)

Madonna ReInvention Tour (left) and Jane Fonda Aerobics (right)
Both come complete with anti-war rhetoric and thigh-toning exercise!

The Guardian reports that encouraging teenagers to engage in oral sex could prove the most effective means of curbing teen pregnancy. Not only does low culture applaud such bold initiatives, but we would like to provide a few of our own. Teenagers need never be “troubled” again.
First the problem, then the solution:
Gang Violence – Encourage your teen to become a sulky loner
Bulimia – Encourage your teen to develop other insecurities. Acne, lack of popularity, and athletic inability are all excellent alternatives.
Secret Cutting – While secret cutting affects untold numbers of teens, public cutting never hurt anyone. Even successful, well-adjusted rock stars like Iggy Pop, Britney Spears and Richey Manic are doing it.
Huffing Glue – Move out of the trailer park.
Underage Drinking – Although alcohol is an omnipresent danger for teens, Ecstasy users typically drink water instead of liquor. Try to give your teen a roll before he goes out for the night.
Oral Sex – If your teen is engaging in oral sex to avoid pregnancy, encourage him or her to experiment with anal sex.
Anal Sex – Do you suspect that your teen is having anal sex to avoid having oral sex to avoid getting pregnant? Try turning your teen onto pregnancy-safe alternatives such as foot fetishism, bdsm or homosexuality.
Social Difficulties – Does your teen have trouble fitting in at school? Teach him or her to give a really good hummer. Everyone loves a slut.

Beautiful Beasts: Viggo Mortensen and his costars
Hidalgo opens tomorrow in theaters everywhere. Based on the trailer, the film appears to be about the passionate bond between scruffy Viggo Mortensen and his strikingly beautiful horse.
Haven’t we seen this movie already? Wasn’t it called A Perfect Murder?
What’s the deal with Viggo and ungulates? It’s not just the Spence-educated variety, it’s the real ones, too.
The director’s edition DVD of The Lord of the Ring: The Two Towers restores several scenes that show the deep bond between Aragorn and his horse, Brego. This is no mere directorial indulgence, it’s apparently vital to the Rings trilogy.
According to the copy on the back of the Aragorn and Brego collector’s toy:

Aragorn found a kinship with Brego, the wild horse of Rohan’s late Prince Theodred, who had been cut down by orcs at the Fords of Isen. Brego was traumatized by the loss of his lord, but Aragorn’s gentle hand stayed the beast’s fear, and in time he came to bear the king in exile as faithfully as he had once borne the Prince of Rohan.

Well, that clears that right up.
Ladies, if you love Viggo (that means you, Alex K.!), be sure to wash your hair with some Kiehl’s Equine Shampoo before galloping off to see Hidalgo. At least one person in the relationship should have clean, shiny hair.
Related: Hidalgo also features C. Thomas Howell. It’s been a long while, gentle friend, beloved soul man.