The Guardian reports that encouraging teenagers to engage in oral sex could prove the most effective means of curbing teen pregnancy. Not only does low culture applaud such bold initiatives, but we would like to provide a few of our own. Teenagers need never be “troubled” again.
First the problem, then the solution:
Gang Violence – Encourage your teen to become a sulky loner
Bulimia – Encourage your teen to develop other insecurities. Acne, lack of popularity, and athletic inability are all excellent alternatives.
Secret Cutting – While secret cutting affects untold numbers of teens, public cutting never hurt anyone. Even successful, well-adjusted rock stars like Iggy Pop, Britney Spears and Richey Manic are doing it.
Huffing Glue – Move out of the trailer park.
Underage Drinking – Although alcohol is an omnipresent danger for teens, Ecstasy users typically drink water instead of liquor. Try to give your teen a roll before he goes out for the night.
Oral Sex – If your teen is engaging in oral sex to avoid pregnancy, encourage him or her to experiment with anal sex.
Anal Sex – Do you suspect that your teen is having anal sex to avoid having oral sex to avoid getting pregnant? Try turning your teen onto pregnancy-safe alternatives such as foot fetishism, bdsm or homosexuality.
Social Difficulties – Does your teen have trouble fitting in at school? Teach him or her to give a really good hummer. Everyone loves a slut.
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4 replies on “Oral Report”
A link to Richey. I never thought I’d see that on a non-MSP fansite. You rock.
I wish I had advisors like you in middle school.
Living in the US (lower-middle class) it’s uplifting to see a western nation address sexuality without thumping some inquisition fear-mongering lock-step two-thousand year old religious mythology.
Understanding oral sex starts with talking about it. Oral sex allows the chemical exchange to occur naturally without possible pregnancy, that’s where the enduring physical effects are from, the sex high comes from the fluids. This is also the alternative to side-effect drug$s (birth control), and an alternative to physically and emotionally and politically punishing abortions.
The British are proper and humanitarian in this course.
Wake up!!! This blog post was another women-hating attack on the marvelous ElizabethWurtzel.
Secret cuttings was a slash at this Babe of Letters.