Author: jp

Or at least, an admission of sorts. Well, it’s not really an “admission”, so much as it as an acknowledgement. And, come to think of it, no one’s “acknowledging” any sort of “wrongdoing”, either, at least in such plain language. Furthermore, “administration official” is a pretty far-reaching term.
Ah, fuck it.
Regardless, here’s today’s sort-of-incriminating quote of the day, courtesy of the American ambassador to Afghanistan, as detailed in today’s Chicago Tribune (reg. required):

U.S. officials promised Monday that Hussein’s capture would re-energize the hunt for [Osama] bin Laden and his Al Qaeda associates and allies.
“Saddam is no longer a problem now, so bin Laden is the focus,” U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad said.

Phew! Good thing we got that year-long, $166-billion distraction out of the way!
In case you were becoming excitedly optimistic about locating the actual al Qaeda leader behind the events of September 11th, 2001–which launched the war on terror, which (shouldn’t have) led to the sojourn in Iraq, which expanded the war on terror to include new acts of terrorism in said sojourn–consider throwing some caution to those Afghanistan winds.

…There is no reason to believe U.S. forces are any closer to finding the Saudi exile than they were when he gave them the slip in the mountains of Tora Bora in 2001.
Since then, the rumor mill has put him in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Kashmir and even China. He also has been reported to be dead, from kidney disease or injuries received in the intensive U.S. bombardment of Tora Bora.
Afghan and U.S. officials said they believe he most likely is roaming the frontier straddling the Afghan-Pakistani border, home to the fiercely independent-minded Pashtun tribe.

That’s quite a lengthy list of real-world, non-analogous theories. Good thing the Tribune reporter left out the entirely scurrilous rumors about bin Laden’s having died and being reborn as a glorious phoenix who soars above the mountains along the border of Kashmir, bedecked in golden armor and sporting silver arrows, squawking orders to his army of terrorist changelings as they sleep, and sometimes taking side trips to Baghdad, Tikrit and the West Bank. This phoenix embodies pure evil, it is said, and never rests.
He just takes occasional naps, much like the administration’s war on terror.

From the December 15th edition of the New York Times, “Bearing Questions, 4 New Iraqi Leaders Pay Hussein a Visit“, by Ian Fisher:

“The world is crazy,” said Mowaffak al-Rubaie, a Governing Council member in the room on Sunday after Mr. Hussein was captured near his hometown, Tikrit. “I was in his torture chamber in 1979, and now he was sitting there, powerless in front of me without anybody stopping me from doing anything to him. Just imagine. We were arguing, and he was using very foul language.”
…Mr. Rubaie said: “One thing which is very important is that this man had with him underground when they arrested him two AK-47’s and did not shoot one bullet. I told him, `You keep on saying that you are a brave man and a proud Arab.’ I said, `When they arrested you why didn’t you shoot one bullet? You are a coward.'”
…”And he started to use very colorful language,” he said. “Basically he used all his French.”
…”And I have to confess that the last word was for me,” he continued. “I was the last to leave the room and I said, `May God curse you. Tell me, when are you going to be accountable to God and the day of judgment? What are you going to tell him about Halabja and the mass graves, the Iran-Iraq war, thousands and thousands executed? What are you going to tell God?’ He was exercising his French language.“

Unless you’ve been living in a cave somewhere, you now know that Public Enemy No. 2, at least as appointed as such by the Bush Administration, has been caught. This must mean it’s time for some soul-searching! Perhaps it’s time for Democratic presidential candidates to reconsider the race which lies before them, and for voters to do likewise? This has been the tenor of much of Day One’s pundit roundabouts and insular media discussions, e.g. Elisabeth Bumiller and David E. Sanger’s musings in the New York Times:

“The capture was both a personal and political victory for President Bush, who had been frustrated that a man he had described as an archenemy of the United States had eluded American troops for so long. The capture also came at the beginning of the president’s 2004 re-election campaign and steals ammunition, at least for the moment, from the Democratic presidential candidates who had criticized the war and the American occupation.”

Are assertions such as those which appear in bold above even remotely as black-and-white as is lazily implied by Bumiller and Sanger? The assessors have conflated “anti-war” status with some arbitrary gauge for the end of said war, when, of course, the two issues are entirely irrelevant. If one doesn’t believe a war should have been fought, does that mean they “look bad” when the war “concludes”? Certainly not; it’s about framework.
Think a bit more carefully about the issues at hand when discussing so-called “anti-war” candidates: specifically, criticism by Democratic presidential candidates of elements such as the war itself, the unilateralism, the pre-emptive invasion, overthrow, and occupation of a sovereign nation, the insertion of Western ideology onto a distinctly non-Western canvas…have any of these issues been addressed by this largely symbolic gesture, the capture of the invaded nation’s prior leader?
No.
Of course, one can argue that the documented removal of this figurehead may lead to that oh-so-elusive rising tide of Middle Eastern democracy we’ve been hearing so much about. But not when the means to that end have sown disproportionate amounts of dissension in the hearts of those whom we would claim to be helping.
The United States still, as of last checking, has and had embarked upon each of the items in the brief checklist of unilaterlalist behavior detailed above, which are each, on their own, perfectly meritorious reasons to abstain from drum-beating war fever, circa February 2003, or circa December 2003. Or, for that matter, November 2004.
Even on their own, the aforementioned failures of American esteem and diplomacy, are, furthermore, reasons to embrace hearty politicking and rational debates on matters such as failed American internationalism and the deceptions that have led us to where we are today, namely, having left underemployed American taxpayers in possession of both a thunderously gargantuan federal deficit directly linked to our Iraqi endeavor, and economic and governmental responsibility for a Middle Eastern nation the size of the state of California.
For all of the spinning that may ensue, remember this: the “anti-war” Democratic contingent still has justice, diplomacy and responsibility in its corner, and, more significantly, the ability to contextualize fleeting moments of present jubilation amidst the larger struggle of American education and quality-of-life woes. Spin away.
As per the optimistic words spoken by President Bush Sunday morning (ostensibly to the people of Iraq, but we know otherwise), “A dark and painful era is over. A hopeful day has arrived.” Such optimism is noble, indeed, but not without realistic accountability–particularly when the “tomorrow” we so desperately anticipate comes at great cost to both “yesterday” and “today”.
This fall, the city of Boston awaits. With the 2004 Democratic Convention slated to be held In a city that prides itself on its Revolutionary role in American history, it’s time for the followup, two-and-a-quarter centuries later. Embrace the race, but frame the issues accordingly.

At Least 17 Killed in Blast at Iraq Police Station
Well, at least the Times covered these token deaths (17) alongside a negligible number (33) of injuries. CNN.com appeared to be too busy flouting the Geneva Convention.

Apparently, the occupation of Iraq isn’t going as well as you may have thought, unless your standards of success include hundreds of dead American soldiers, thousands of dead Iraqi civilians, hundreds of thousands of unemployed workers, and millions of people affected by power and water shortages.
One solution? Bring in American spies to scout out so-called “insurgent activity,” according to new Central Intelligence Agency plans (leaked anonymously, as per the usual information-distribution route). According to the Los Angeles Times,

“In recent weeks, the agency has begun a buildup that one source said could add as many as 100 people to an agency presence that is already several hundred strong in the war-torn country. Among those being sent, sources said, are case officers, counter-terrorism analysts and a small contingent of senior officials from the agency’s clandestine service.
The moves come at a time when many in the intelligence community acknowledge that they are frustrated with their inability to penetrate an insurgency that continues to carry out deadly attacks on American soldiers and Iraqi civilians almost every day.”

Ah, damage control. Who wants to make odds on White House “senior administration officials” not coming forward to let Robert Novak know the identity of these mysterious agents who will be assisting in the expedition of our grand exit strategy?
If your answer to the odds question was “no chance,” you can claim victory. Which is more than can be said for the American effort in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Today’s Washington Post features a delicate little fluff piece entitled “Bush Campaign Tiptoed Into Arlington HQ” about, well, the fairly quiet presence of President Bush’s re-election campaign headquarters in Arlington, Virginia.

“There is nary a Bush sign or banner in sight. In fact, there is virtually no way to find the headquarters at all without being directed by a building doorman through a set of double doors.
Only then does a single reception desk come into view outfitted with a few “Bush Cheney ’04” bumper stickers.”

Take a second look at these 2004 campaign bumper stickers, however. Why did the notoriously “fiscally conservative” Republican campaign even bother to create new stickers, when they’re effectively just reprints of those used in the 2000 campaign?
At least we now have a sense of how those $200 million in Bush campaign funds will not be spent: hiring graphic designers who can do more than italicize existing fonts.

Good news for you recently-unemployed types (all 3 million of you in the past few years). Have you caught yourself pining away for those days of 1998, 1999, and 2000, an era in which you safely pulled in semi-comfortable wages and found yourself ensconced in a middle-class lifestyle?
Well, start buying those Brita water filters and other disposable goods again, because the Bush Recession (which I think ought to have been called the Clinton recession, if you ask me) is almost over! This, according to statements made by job market analysts, as covered in the New York Times. Get ready to grin, Johnny Jobless, because here’s their optimistic lead-in:

“The restaurant industry has gone on a hiring spree over the last four months, suggesting that broader gains in the job market could be on the way…Some economists say that an increase in low-wage jobs, which include most restaurant work, indicates that the job market over all will soon bounce back. During the economic doldrums of the early 1990’s, hiring began to increase in the restaurant industry about six months before job creation began taking off. The striking fact of this economic recovery, like the previous one, has been how long it has lasted without igniting job growth.”

Not optimistic enough for ya? Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Sourpuss, what are those unemployment checks paying for then? Certainly not smiles!
What’s that, you say? You’ve exhausted your unemployment benefits after losing your job at the steel mill or the office-supply company? Well, you say you’re looking for work, but some of my blue-blooded friends think you’re not looking hard enough! Jobs, it seems, are looking for you!

The search for employees who view the restaurant industry as a possible career has at least one McDonald’s franchisee near Cherry Hill scouting for management recruits. Edward Baim, who owns 11 McDonald’s restaurants in southern New Jersey and Philadelphia, makes recruiting trips to local colleges and vocational schools and promotes jobs in the food industry whenever he can.
“It just boggles my mind when we see all these things on TV about people who are out of a job,” Mr. Baim said. “I can point to people in my organization that started as a burger flipper and are now making $70,000.”
He added: “Anybody that really wants to work could find a position. I’ve probably got two or three open right now.”

Now if only they were hiring good job market analysts.

First off, God has been promoted since he last penned a column for us (as a lowly intern, no less) here at low culture last month. That last round of vitriolic sniping was a bit harsh, we felt, but who were we to question His assertions? And again, who are we to nix the latest expression of His wrath, particularly when He functions as supreme being, editor, and comptroller?
Here, then, is God’s word, i.e. the word of God:
Thee Who Shalt be Smitten (on the Second Day)
by God, aka Yahweh, aka Allah, aka Buddha, et cetera
1. Rep. Nick Smith, R-Mich: Jesus Christ, Nick (fret not, believers, for I can take my Son’s name in vain without fear of retribution). Step up to the plate and let people know who amongst the ranks of House GOP leaders tried to bribe you a few weeks back with that ill-advised Medicare bill. Being omniscient, I know such activity is more or less commonplace, but I trust that you will do what is right. Besides, I can always spread the gospel to Bob Woodward (or Robert Novak), but I’d rather you take some responsibility for yourself before I have to come forward.
2. Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn: Give it up, Joseph. You were never going to get any major endorsements, at least not from anyone in any way related to the Democratic party. Try again in 2008, my friend, when Bush isn’t up for re-election and the Republican Party needs new leadership.
3. L. Paul Bremer, again: This is your second warning, Paul. Just because Israel has been excessively hard-line and undemocratic in its dealings with so-called “insurgents” in its “territory,” doesn’t grant the U.S. occupying force the rationale to emulate, in its own “territory,” the Israeli methodology, which has proven spotty, at best, in addressing the region’s incessant cycle of human suffering. Turn to some other models for how to stop the ol’ human-on-human violence.
4. Insurgents, Terrorists, Fedayeen et al: Seriously, cut this shit out. You’re primarily destroying the lives of your own “side,” which, last time I checked, wasn’t one of founding father Michael Collins‘s models for practitioners of “successful” terrorism tactics.
5. Michael Dell: Come on, Michael. While your sins aren’t nearly as bad as those listed above, please remember that I alone can create replicas in my God-like image. When you go around spawning low grade knock-offs like the Dell DJ, which has got to be the “falsest idol” ever in terms of my beloved iPod prodigy, you tempt fate, and risk a good hard smiting.