From the AP wires: “A U.S. military helicopter lands at Baghdad’s heavily protected Green Zone at sunset Tuesday Dec 7 2004. (AP Photo/Dusan Vranic)”
From L to R, the posters for the Vietnam-themed Miss Saigon and Apocalypse Now, Redux
Author: jp
From the wire services, portraits of military personnel and their civilian bosses, taken Tuesday, December 7, 2004:
As reported in today’s Daily Variety, the “online premiere” of Fahrenheit 9/11, rabble-rousing director Michael Moore’s Pixar-animated comedy starring the voices of Tom Hanks and Christina Applegate, drew a meager 89 viewers, according to information released by the briefly-downloadable film’s website host. More specifically, “a rep for CinemaNow said ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ special, which brought in $885.55 in revenue, was a ‘success,’ noting that the three-hour window in which it was available was unusual for the Internet.”
Damn you, Jack Valenti, for departing us so sadly, and so soon! With you gone, it seems as though the entire motion-picture industry’s standards for “success” have waned considerably. Seriously, seriously waned. 800 fucking dollars?
Because it’s certainly not as though this CinemaNow website (whatever the hell that may be…I can’t even be bothered to link to the fucking thing) likely had a staff of well-paid site producers and designers working days beforehand on this “premiere extravaganza”, right? Right?
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Black children love us!
ANSWER: Insurgent, as evidenced by his being situated near graffiti, which is illegal!
ANSWER: Policemen, as evidenced by their being surrounded by toys, which are jolly!
EARLIER: Super Fun “Military-Incursion Home Destruction” Quiz: Iraq or Palestine?
Secretary of Homeland Security nominee Bernard Kerik and President George W. Bush? They’re real fucking patriots, you know?
RELATED: “America, Fuck Yeah”, from the Team America: World Police Soundtrack, with lyrics by Trey Parker
Bon voyage! US Trade Representative Robert Zoellick, above, can be seen craning his neck to make out the muffled cries of “Help, help!” coming forth from the global marketplace. (Deficits, trade gaps, and subsidies may be awesome party favors, but no one wants their event dampened by a bunch of ne’er-do-well whiners in the back room, right?)
This week, Zoellick sets out to embark on a luxurious five-nation tour of Africa, in which he’ll visit Senegal, Benin, Mali, Namibia and Lesotho. In case you’re wondering, not one of these nations has been adversely affected by American trading stances or WTO antics. This is because the U.S. economy is ragingly successful right this moment, and we’re spreading that good cheer like it’s fucking democracy or something.
See you in Najaf, motherfuckers! It’s flat-tax time!
RELATED (well, in that it involves ‘money’, which, apparently, makes the world go round): Dollar Clobbered By Euro Again, Dec. 6, 2004 (CBS/AP)
Categories
Didn’t America Vote Against the Gaze?
Our nation’s first “soft focus” president, parading his various cabinet nominations before the media in the White House’s Roosevelt room:
Department of Homeland Security nominee Bernard Kerik, alongside President Bush in the background.
Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice, with President Bush, again, in the background.
Yes, there’s a trend here: Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzalez, with President Bush in the background.
Department of Commerce nominee Carlos Gutierrez mixes things up a bit, while nonetheless retaining those sharp-focus good looks.
You’re looking good lately. Really nice, even. Those pecs…you’re packed tight, man. Nicely chiseled. You’re working out, aren’t you? Yeah. You are.
It’s reassuring to know you can watch The O.C. every Thursday night while you’re on the stairmaster at Bally’s 24-Hour-Fitness, plugged in to little more than a set of earbuds and, don’t you know it, an entire world of opulent gorgeousness. This is the sort of drama you dream about mindlessly as you polish the sweat from your glistening calves. Of course, the television sets lined up next to the one blaring FOX’s hottest second-season property may try and distract you with their depictions of a smirking Bill O’Reilly or some aging Matt LeBlanc character study, but you won’t be swayed. You understand guys like Tate Donovan, you really do.
He looks a lot like that guy who comes in on Tuesdays. That guy. He lingers around the benches for about thirty minutes. Eyes you as he pulls up his socks around his shins. You’re sure he’s the most beautiful man you’ve laid eyes upon…at least at this gym, right? Ha. You know what I’m saying. You’re a total pro.
And Catherine keeps calling you from the car. You just know she’ll be home before you, destined to get off early from her freelance gig at Leo Burnett. Why don’t you tell her about this guy? This perfect specimen of O.C.-esque beauty laying out in front of you, his arms pushing and pulling on the bars of a free-weight machine, such that you’re just positive what he’s doing with those lifts could “plug-n-play” nicely with your own frame.
You’re glistening, again. Sweating. Excited. And Catherine keeps on fucking calling you, and you just let it go to voicemail. What the fuck, right? Let her bring something back from Koo-Koo-Roo or California Pizza Kitchen for the two of you to eat later that night. The fuck if you care, right? You’re all over this guy. All over him. And he’s reading you just right.
Time to towel off, then. You nod at each other. It’s not even like some obscure code anymore. You know the drill. And he doesn’t even bother wrapping himself in a towel as the two of you leave the gym’s shower and head to the back lockers. Again, you know the drill. And, fuck, it’s a good thing Catherine doesn’t, right? God, would your life be over, or what?
And speaking of, you better finish up in here. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Right there. Sharp, so sharp. This may or may not be the world’s longest commercial break, but you don’t want to miss seeing the end result of Marissa’s hooking up with the pool boy. Pool boys. So perfect. So very, very right.
Actually, I’ve never seen The O.C.: I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs at 8PM EST on FOX.
Earlier: Obligatory Pop Culture Entry to Prove We Haven’t Become Humorless Prigs; O.C.D.; The O.C.: Your One and Only Friend; The O.C.: Your ‘Not Guilty’ Pleasure.