“If I had prepared, my answer would be ‘You are dead, young lady'”

During today’s visit to Red China, Vice President Cheney spoke at Shanghai’s Fudan University, using the opportunity to praise China’s economic reforms that have enabled the monstrously large nation to be less “red” and more, well, “red” in their approach to free markets and capitalism.
Oh, there was also some stuff about the need to bring a genuine democratic movement over there, as well. As we’ve seen, spreading democracy, of course, is the central theme of the Bush 43 Administration, even though this leitmotif may not have effectively seeped into the mindset of those students handpicked to engage in the eventual question-and-answer session:

The students, asking polite and respectful questions, did not pick up on Cheney’s theme of democracy, choosing instead to ask about economic and regional issues, such as the U.S. sales of arms of Taiwan, which China considers a renegade province.
To laughter, however, one student showed a keen understanding of inter-administration politics. “It is said you are the the most powerful vice president in U.S. history,” she asked. “I ask, how do you play a role in the Bush administration?”
“That is not a question I had anticipated,” Cheney said.

Grave Satirical

How to replace your lesbian daughter

“Yay! Souvenirs!”
…bring back a newly-adopted daughter from your trip to China!
Or per VH1’s “Best Week Ever“: Upgrade? Downgrade?


Bush’s Iraqi Playbook/Playbill

From President Bush’s televised press conference, April 13, 2004:

We’re at war. Iraq is a part of the war on terror. It is not the war on terror; it is a theater in the war on terror. And it’s essential we win this battle in the war on terror. By winning this battle, it will make other victories more certain in the war against the terrorists.

And for a rational, in-depth, and nuanced take on these theatrics, read Fareed Zakaria’s piece in Newsweek, April 19, 2004:

The date, June 30, is less important than the entity to which power is transferred. If that new government is seen as an American puppet, then challenges to it will persist, and America will find itself propping up an unpopular local regime that is doomed to fail. And that dilemma reminds one not of the British in Iraq, but of the United States in Vietnam.


Murdoch Mashup Madness!

As with any good remix, this record comes with multiple tracks…
Trimming Bush
Cut and Paste Press Conference
Right Wing Slash Fiction


He might be a “problem child” if he’s 30 feet tall and made of plastic

The cover of New York magazine’s April 19, 2004 issue, alongside this snippet from Yahoo! News:

Danish Crown Prince Frederik and his fiancee Mary Donaldson look at the Ron Mueck sculpture ‘Boy’ at The Aros Art Museum in Aarhus, Denmark Wednesday April 7, 2004.


AP Writer is Unimaginative

Completely, totally, the worst headline ever run over a wire service, from an article by Christy Lemire, AP Entertainment Writer:
Review: ‘Kill Bill – Vol. 2’ Is Stylized
Note: Yes, writers rarely come up with their own headlines. You’re so damn insider.

Grave Satirical

Tomorrow’s Corrections Today, vol. 2

Slated to appear on the New York Times’ Corrections page, April 13, 2004:

Because of an editing error, a portion of former Vermont governor and Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean’s op-ed (For Ralph Nader, but Not for President, April 12, 2004) was printed incorrectly. The article stated: “Everyone expects this year’s presidential election to be decided by razor-thin margins in a few battleground states. Everyone also expects the candidacy of Ralph Nader to make the race between John Kerry and George Bush even closer. As I know from experience, however, voters have a way of proving everyone wrong.”
The last sentence, in its completed form, should have read in full, “As I know from experience, chickenshit voters have a way of trouncing on your dreams, spitting on your convictions, stabbing you in the back, pussying up with your peers who have stolen your message, and kicking you in the balls because they’re cowards, and dullards, and good for nothing. They can all go to fucking hell for all I care.” The Times regrets the error.


Gibson Resurrects Passion B.O.; Hair Next

See, if Mel Gibson were Jewish, he could fix that whole situation “up there” with a nice Yarmulka.
Mel’s got it covered—the box office, that is.
This past Sunday, The Passion of the Christ‘s box office benefited not only from some great timing, but nimrods like this:

“I waited until today because today is the day that Jesus rose from the dead,” said Linda Brown, 40, of The Bronx as she headed into the AMC Theatres Empire 25 in Times Square. “I thought it was appropriate to see this film instead of going to church.”

And all we can say is, Thank god! Our screening of The Whole Ten Yards was wonderfully—blessedly—empty. And with the lack of laughs, it was quiet as a church.


Gravitas (or lack thereof)

bush_smiling.jpgThis is why they put Cheney on the ticket, right? Anyway…
Lines spoken by George W. Bush during which he smiled, grinned, or laughed (I’ve exempted instances of “chuckling” and “guffawing” out of ideological fairness):
April 12, 2004, defending the contents of his August 2001 PDB:

“Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved mountains to stop the attack. And had there been actionable intelligence, we would have moved on it.”

October 11, 2000, discussing his lack of support for a Texas hate crimes bill, during the second Presidential debate:

GOV. BUSH: No — well what the vice president must not understand is we’ve got hate Crimes bill in Texas. And secondly, the people that murdered Mr. Byrd got the ultimate punishment:
MR. LEHRER: But they were —
GOV. BUSH: — the death penalty.
MR. LEHRER: They were prosecuted under the murder laws, were they not?
GOV. BUSH: Well —
MR. LEHRER: In Texas
GOV. BUSH: — all — in this case, when you murder somebody, it’s hate, Jim. The crime is hate. And they got the ultimate punishment. I’m not exactly sure you enhance the penalty any more than the death penalty.

Wow, George, that’s some funny shit. Try and save some material for the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner next year!
There is going to be a “next year,” right?


Queer Eye for an Eye

carson_pic.jpgThe Bible is the new bible of the self-help movement. In yesterday’s Times Magazine, Rob Walker examined the phenomenal success of The Purpose-Driven Life, a Christianity-based guide to improving yourself. In turn, Sunday’s New York Post gave readers a first look at The Maker’s Diet, a weight-loss tome based on rules set forth in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. And for those religious gym bunnies, there’s always The Lord’s Gym (via Slate), a fitness center founded on Christian principles.
Indeed the influence of the Bible can be found in the unlikeliest places — the new self-helper from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, for example. Surely those godless sodomites don’t find inspiration in the Bible, right? Wrong. Just compare the two:
On grooming:

Then Moses said…”Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community.”
Leviticus 10: 6
Hair is the most visible thing we can play with to change our appearance, so start on top. It’s crucial to find a stylist you trust — not only will they help you with a cool new haircut, they can also be a great source of expertise on how to style and care for it.
Kyan 92

Wine tasting:

There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.
Matthew 27: 34
If it’s corked, it will smell moldy, or taste like vinegar, or be revolting in some other fairly obvious fashion. If you think there’s something terribly wrong with it, ask the wine steward to taste it.
Ted 45

On skin care:

After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD.
2 Samuel 12: 20
Look for a moisturizer that’s free of fragrance and hypoallergenic if you have sensitive skin that’s easily irritated. Lotion is the most common form of moisturizer, good for normal or combination skin.
Kyan 108

On lighting:

They are to take a blue cloth and cover the lampstand that is for light…
Numbers 4: 9
I’d be happy with a dimmer on every light in the house — they’re crucial to modulating the mood of a space.
Thom 126

On decorating:

In your marketplace they traded with you beautiful garments, blue fabric, embroidered work and multicolored rugs with cords twisted and tightly knotted.
Ezekiel 27: 24
Go window-shopping — wherever furniture is sold, just walk around and browse.
Thom 130

On belts:

This is what the LORD said to me: “Go and buy a linen belt and put it around your waist, but do not let it touch water.”
Jeremiah 13: 1
Personality starts in the crotch region. But you knew that. Get a vintage leather strap and find a belt buckle that says something about your personality.
Carson 179

On the thank you:

Then he will thank you, and it will be regarded as a righteous act in the sight of the LORD your God.
Deuteronomy 24: 13
If someone holds the door open for you, say thank you. No one will ever say that being too polite is rude, so when in doubt, express your appreciation.
Jai 216

On despair:

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”– which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Mark 15: 34
In the last year, American men have come to know and expect that the dramatic arrival of five impeccably dressed gay men at their door can mean only one thing: Their life is about to get more fabulous.
Introduction 11