low culture

For a few weeks now, we’ve quietly had God working for us as an unpaid intern, and He has for the most part been occupying Himself with support-related tasks around the office, such as dusting Jean-Paul’s various Edward Said and Ryan McGinness books, and helping Matt categorize his Us Weekly collection into the Bonnie Fuller and Janice Min eras (there is, in fact, a striking difference between the two reigns, He insists).
But events which have occurred over the past few days seem to have angered Him, such that He has been glowering around the workplace and approaching his assigned task of downloading Tracy Morgan MPGs with much less zeal than we have become accustomed to seeing in His endeavors. So, as a gesture of appreciation for all His hard work (not to mention creating us in His image!), we asked if He would care to voice his thoughts to the low culture readership. In a booming and thunderous voice that very likely disturbed our upstairs neighbors at Nerve.com, He subsequently presented us with what he called His “Smite List”, which we have chosen to run in an edited form, despite His protests.
Thee Who Shalt be Smitten
by God, aka Yahweh, aka Allah, aka Buddha, et cetera
1. CBS President Les Moonves, for not having the compunction to resist those who would claim to speak on My behalf, but who were in reality a small minority of vocal, churchgoing conservative right-wingers who threatened to boycott watching rewarding family programs such as “Survivor: Pearl Islands”.
2. Iraqi Coalition Provisional Authority head, L. Paul Bremer, for imposing a ruthlessly unjust flat-tax system on his new American colony. I have been monitoring “conservative wet dreams” such as this for some time now, Paul, and don’t think I don’t know about that copy of Forbes magazine and the box of Kleenex situated next to your king-sized bed in Saddam Hussein’s former palace in Baghdad.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, for not yet adequately supporting the ascension of My very first openly gay bishop. While I am unsure whether I am technically on record as being for or against homosexuality, I would like to think that as a fair and just God, I shall come down on the side of tolerance for gays, just this once.

Not since Virginia Slims tried to connect smoking with women’s lib has an ad so offensively linked consumption with power as this new campaign from the white devils at A Diamond is Forever.
Since the Web site shortens the ad’s text, here it is from the print campaign:
Your left hand says ‘we.’ Your right hand says ‘me.’ Your left hand rocks the cradle. Your right hand rules the world. Women of the world, raise your right hand. A Diamond is Forever. The New Diamond Right Hand Ring. Romantic, Modern Vintage, Floral and Contemporary Styles at ADIAMONDISFOREVER.COM
That’s seriously fucked up. How about:
Our left hand says ‘greed.’ Our right hand says ‘monopoly.’ Our left hand held down the slave laborer working in the mine. Our right hand searched his ass for any contraband. Women of the world, raise your right hand in favor of exploitation.
Speaking of sparkly rocks of death, Black Table has an interview with Janine Roberts, author of Glitter & Greed: The Secret World of the Diamond Cartel on the very same topic today.

White House Takes Credit for Surge in Economy by Richard W. Stevenson
Personally, I think it’s because of the new $20s: they make spending fun!
[low culture kidz corner: Hey, kids! Want a new $20 of your own? Just download the image above and use your color printer to make as many as you like! It’s easy, but you may need an adult’s supervision.]

Here at low culture, we have already speculated how agonizing it must be for members of the White House press corps to be subjected to President Bush’s repetitive jokes and audaciously inane pet nicknames for his friends and peers.
Having taken a closer look at the full transcript of Tuesday’s press conference, however, it became vividly clear: the president must be taking leadership cues from David Brent of BBC America’s second-season hit television series, “The Office”). David (brilliantly played by actor Ricky Gervais) is the bumbling and deluded Regional Manager at a paper-supply company in an office park in the middle of nowhere.
Fans of the show can check out the uncanny similarities by looking at the lesson plan: