God’s Omnipotent Smite List (1st edition)

god-smite.jpgFor a few weeks now, we’ve quietly had God working for us as an unpaid intern, and He has for the most part been occupying Himself with support-related tasks around the office, such as dusting Jean-Paul’s various Edward Said and Ryan McGinness books, and helping Matt categorize his Us Weekly collection into the Bonnie Fuller and Janice Min eras (there is, in fact, a striking difference between the two reigns, He insists).
But events which have occurred over the past few days seem to have angered Him, such that He has been glowering around the workplace and approaching his assigned task of downloading Tracy Morgan MPGs with much less zeal than we have become accustomed to seeing in His endeavors. So, as a gesture of appreciation for all His hard work (not to mention creating us in His image!), we asked if He would care to voice his thoughts to the low culture readership. In a booming and thunderous voice that very likely disturbed our upstairs neighbors at, He subsequently presented us with what he called His “Smite List”, which we have chosen to run in an edited form, despite His protests.
Thee Who Shalt be Smitten
by God, aka Yahweh, aka Allah, aka Buddha, et cetera
1. CBS President Les Moonves, for not having the compunction to resist those who would claim to speak on My behalf, but who were in reality a small minority of vocal, churchgoing conservative right-wingers who threatened to boycott watching rewarding family programs such as “Survivor: Pearl Islands”.
2. Iraqi Coalition Provisional Authority head, L. Paul Bremer, for imposing a ruthlessly unjust flat-tax system on his new American colony. I have been monitoring “conservative wet dreams” such as this for some time now, Paul, and don’t think I don’t know about that copy of Forbes magazine and the box of Kleenex situated next to your king-sized bed in Saddam Hussein’s former palace in Baghdad.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, for not yet adequately supporting the ascension of My very first openly gay bishop. While I am unsure whether I am technically on record as being for or against homosexuality, I would like to think that as a fair and just God, I shall come down on the side of tolerance for gays, just this once.

5 replies on “God’s Omnipotent Smite List (1st edition)”

bear in mind, this was the shortened list. let no one feel safe from god’s wrath, including mr. poland springs (“what it means to be from maine?” what it means to be in pain, buddy)

And for those of you asking me to answer your prayers, I’m sorry, but watching George W. is just too damn funny to smite him just yet. But don’t worry, I’ve got something special planned for him. You wanna talk funny?

Let me guess, you are going to make him pregnant, and give him some kind of condition that requires an abortion to save his life and let him decide who should get to choose? That would be funny.

Comments are closed.