Category: Shallow

The Bible is the new bible of the self-help movement. In yesterday’s Times Magazine, Rob Walker examined the phenomenal success of The Purpose-Driven Life, a Christianity-based guide to improving yourself. In turn, Sunday’s New York Post gave readers a first look at The Maker’s Diet, a weight-loss tome based on rules set forth in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. And for those religious gym bunnies, there’s always The Lord’s Gym (via Slate), a fitness center founded on Christian principles.
Indeed the influence of the Bible can be found in the unlikeliest places — the new self-helper from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, for example. Surely those godless sodomites don’t find inspiration in the Bible, right? Wrong. Just compare the two:
On grooming:

Then Moses said…”Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community.”
Leviticus 10: 6
Hair is the most visible thing we can play with to change our appearance, so start on top. It’s crucial to find a stylist you trust — not only will they help you with a cool new haircut, they can also be a great source of expertise on how to style and care for it.
Kyan 92

Wine tasting:

There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.
Matthew 27: 34
If it’s corked, it will smell moldy, or taste like vinegar, or be revolting in some other fairly obvious fashion. If you think there’s something terribly wrong with it, ask the wine steward to taste it.
Ted 45

On skin care:

After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD.
2 Samuel 12: 20
Look for a moisturizer that’s free of fragrance and hypoallergenic if you have sensitive skin that’s easily irritated. Lotion is the most common form of moisturizer, good for normal or combination skin.
Kyan 108

On lighting:

They are to take a blue cloth and cover the lampstand that is for light…
Numbers 4: 9
I’d be happy with a dimmer on every light in the house — they’re crucial to modulating the mood of a space.
Thom 126

On decorating:

In your marketplace they traded with you beautiful garments, blue fabric, embroidered work and multicolored rugs with cords twisted and tightly knotted.
Ezekiel 27: 24
Go window-shopping — wherever furniture is sold, just walk around and browse.
Thom 130

On belts:

This is what the LORD said to me: “Go and buy a linen belt and put it around your waist, but do not let it touch water.”
Jeremiah 13: 1
Personality starts in the crotch region. But you knew that. Get a vintage leather strap and find a belt buckle that says something about your personality.
Carson 179

On the thank you:

Then he will thank you, and it will be regarded as a righteous act in the sight of the LORD your God.
Deuteronomy 24: 13
If someone holds the door open for you, say thank you. No one will ever say that being too polite is rude, so when in doubt, express your appreciation.
Jai 216

On despair:

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”– which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Mark 15: 34
In the last year, American men have come to know and expect that the dramatic arrival of five impeccably dressed gay men at their door can mean only one thing: Their life is about to get more fabulous.
Introduction 11

From the New York Daily News’ Daily Dish, April 9, 2004:

Carson Daly is getting long in the tooth – old, that is – for the MTV crowd.
How old is he? So old, that at 31, he’s going to get a Lifetime Achievement award at MTV’s upcoming TRL Awards.

Gisele Bundchen, bridging the years

Quickly: what color is Hellboy?
“…skin the inflamed, velvety hue of a baked ham,”
Ty Burr, Boston Globe
“…red as sin,”
Elvis Mitchell, New York Times
“…big order of tandoori chicken,”
J. Hoberman, Village Voice

Ripley-esque George W. and Weirdo-esque John Malkovich

Quest Magazine (not to be confused with the bimonthly about living with neuromuscular disease) features in its April issue The Quest 400, their annual list of Manhattan’s social elite. The 400, like all of Quest Magazine, does not concern itself with the sordid worlds of show business or pro sports (too many minorities, presumably). No, we are offered only an alphabetized list of Manhattan’s Botox-Boomers, old-money layabouts and John Jacob Astor descendants.
The list was compiled by Quest editor David Patrick Columbia, also known for the dangerously compelling New York Social Diary. Unfortunately the good Mr. Columbia finds no need to explain why or how he determined who gets on the list and who’s left out. In fact, all we get is a White Pages of people with last names like Biddle, Hearst and Pulitzer. Its complete lack of context recalls The Spy List — Spy Magazine’s mysterious column listing only a series of proper names.
As tribute to both of these formidable publications, we are proud to present

the low culture list
Montgomery Clift
Tatianna von Furstenberg
J.P. Getty
Brad Renfro
Horatio Sanz
Bijou Phillips
James Murdoch
Nia Vardalos

The endlessly irritating James Frey is at it again. Today’s issue of Black Table asks some writers for their thoughts on Kurt Cobain — he killed himself (or did he?) ten years ago today. Frey’s contribution is a little three-act about his ever-shifting opinion of Nirvana. From Act III:

On the first anniversary of his death, I went with a friend to a house in Wicker Park, Chicago. An altar had been set-up with Cobain’s picture, some candles, a hypodermic, a bindle of dope and a small pile of letters addressed to him. A Nirvana disc was in the stereo. There were 10 or 12 people, several were crying…

My nausea had become unbearable, so I skimmed ahead. Spotting “lame,” I felt some relief. But it was not to last:

At that moment, I stopped thinking Nirvana was lame. I stopped thinking Nirvana was a creation of MTV. I realized Cobain spoke for a lot of people, changed a lot of lives, touched an untold number. I bought In Utero the next day, listened to it. I realized maybe Cobain spoke for me as well.

Frey’s little sampler of idiocy brings to mind Martin Amis’ essay on John Lennon from Vising Mrs. Nabokov. Amazon won’t let me “Search Inside The Book” and I can’t find my copy, so I’ve got to paraphrase here. Speaking of the maudlin vigil held after Lennon’s death, Amis writes that if Lennon were still alive, he’d probably be the first person making fun of these people.

Jennifer 8. Lee is the New York Times comer known for her networking skills the New York Sun has gone so far as to suggest that Lee is the second coming of Katharine Graham. And though the comparison may be apposite, it’s unlikely the legendary Washington Post editrix ever used Yahoo Groups to help report her stories.
While the Harvard98 Yahoo Group typically traffics in less-than-rousing political banter and questions about housing in Dallas, subscribers are occasionally met with queries from Jenny 8. herself.
Most recently Jenny inquired about people scared to eat fish because of mercury levels; it’s fair to assume we can expect a Times article on that very topic in the near future.
Don’t believe it? Well consider the following email sent to the Harvard98 group on April 12, 2003:

From: “Jennifer 8. Lee”
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 08:06:03 -0700 (PDT)
To: harvard98@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [harvard98] SARS: affected by sars in seattle (SF/LA)
this has to be one of the stranger requests i have made to this list
does anyone know of people in seattle (most likely with links to asia) who is thinking of/affected by SARS. that is (not in parallel structure), family there, school exchanges that were cancelled, business trips that have been cancelled, local tourist business that is down, quarantined etc.
and if not seattle, people in San Fran and Los Angeles would be good too.
thanks,
jenny

And then treat yourself to her article in the New York Times four days later, In U.S., Fear Is Spreading Faster Than SARS, datelined April 16, 2003 and reported by Jennifer 8. Lee. From the article: Back in Seattle, though, concerns among co-workers led several employers to ask the participants to work from home
Still don’t believe it? Well screw you.
This is not the first time Jenny 8.s Harvard cronies have assisted her. Wonkette has bravely exposed the shadowy cabal of former classmates who have helped make Jennifer 8. Lee the heir to D.C. royalty. The master’s house continues to burn.