How’s the low culture shop doing? Amazingly, thank you very much! Soon enough we’ll be able to afford a wheelbarrow for the piles of cash we’re making.
Here’s our latest sales report. Read it and weep, bitches!
I know we did.
Author: matt
Title: 2 Million Dollar Baby
Log Line: Sequel to the Oscar winning film. A female boxer from the wrong side of the tracks fights her way back from heaven to kill the man who snuffed her out.
Writer: Brian Helgeland
Agent: CAA
Buyer: Warner Bros.
Price: n/a
Genre: spiritual boxing drama
Logged: 2/28/05
More: Clint Eastwood will direct, star, and score. Oscar winners Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman will reprise their roles
The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has designated a new psychiatric disorder called Paris Syndrome, named for socialite and Reality TV star Paris Hilton.
Paris Syndrome is characterized by an acute sense of empathy towards Paris Hilton, particularly during times of public scandal and embarrassment.
According to Dr. Owen Spielvogel, chair of APA’s gossip- and media-focused Loud Family Institute, “It’s natural to feel a sense of guilt and shame at the pleasure one derives from the travails of Ms. Hilton. She’s a larger-than-life figure, the subject of mockery and contempt. Paris Syndrome is different than mere guilt, something closer to Stockholm Syndrome. It occurs when the individual’s superego overrides the giddy pleasure at Ms. Hilton’s failures and the individual begins to identify with her. ‘What if my personal life got splashed across the internet? What if people openly wished for my death?’ goes the thinking. At that point, Paris Syndrome has set in and psychiatric consultation may be the answer.”
The APA estimates that thousands of Americans, most of whom work in the media or as bloggers (web-loggers), may be afflicted with Paris Syndrome. There is no suggested course of treatment for Paris Syndrome at this time, but according to Dr. Spielvogel, “It passes eventually and the so-called ‘normal’ feelings of Paris Hilton hatred return.” He also notes that a related disorder—Paris Hilton Fatigue, first designated by the APA two years ago—often cancels out Paris Syndrome. “Once the individual grows indifferent to Ms. Hilton and her assorted sex tapes, utterances of racial slurs, bruises, and hacked personal communication devices. It’s likely that Paris Syndrome has passed.”
The APA is the nation’s oldest national medical specialty society with more than 35,000 members, all of whom hate Paris Hilton.
Secretary: Alex Winter for you, Mr. Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: All right, put ‘im through.
[connecting]
Hey, Alex.
Alex Winter: Ted Theodore Logan!
KR: Ha ha. What’s up, man?
AW: Excellent!
KR: Funny. So, what’s up, Alex?
AW: Heinous!
KR: Right, right. So, what’s goin’ on?
AW: Nothin’ bro. Just calling to congratulate you on the boffo Constantine box office, man. Congratulations.
KR: Oh, thanks. Yeah, it’s a good movie. We’re all really proud of it.
AW: Cool, cool. Did I ever tell you how much I loved that Matrix series? God, it was so good!
KR: Aw, I’m flattered, dude.
[silence]
So, what’s up with you?
AW: Oh, you know me. Writing, auditioning, do my thing. I’m still in the game, you know. I mean, not in the Constantine type game, but you know it’s like a trade-off: you make those hundred million dollar flicks, but you gotta, like, get on that treadmill and sell it, promote it.
KR: Right…
AW: Yeah, I’m totally happy where I am, you know? Remember when we were kids, man, and we’d dream about our careers between set-ups? God, we were so fucking naive, dude! I wanted to be the next David Lynch, you were gonna be the next Marlon Brando!
KR: Funny. Hey, Alex—
AW: And you said you’d be my Kyle MacLachlan and star in all my movies.
KR: Right—
AW: Anyway.
KR: Anyway.
AW: So, any sidekick parts in your new flicks?
KR: No. Sorry, man.
AW: What about, like, secondary sort of—
KR: Alex, you know, the thing is, I’m taking some time off since I worked, like, nonstop since ’99.
AW: What about The Night Watchman?
KR: Alex, I gotta—
AW: What about Il Mare?
KR: Shoot, Alex. I’ve got a meeting and—
AW: Cool, cool. Let’s talk again later.
KR: Totally. Good to hear from you, man.
AW: Hey, do you know anything about the Lost Boys remake? Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I played the grandpa? Like, in age make-up, you know?
KR: Yeah, if I hear anything—
AW: I mean, I did age makeup in Bogus.
KR: Alex. I got people outside the door. Talk to you later?
AW: Yeah, yeah. Well, congrats again on Constantine. I mean, wow!
KR: Thanks.
AW: Well, um, be excellent, Ted.
[silence]
KR: Be excellent… Bill.
[click]
Earlier: Two Friends Talking: A One Act Play
You Do the Math: Harvard President Lawrence Summers
“Among his comments to a conference of economists last month, according to the transcript, Dr. Summers, a former secretary of the United States Treasury, compared the relatively low number of women in the sciences to the numbers of Catholics in investment banking, whites in the National Basketball Association and Jews in farming.”
–Furor Lingers as Harvard Chief Gives Details of Talk on Women, by Patrick D. Healy and Sara Rimer, The New York Times, Feb. 18, 2005
Categories
Conan O’Brien Endorses Ibrahim Jafari
Comedy Gold: Iraq’s possible new Prime Minister, Ibrahim Jafari (via The Washington Post)
The Man Who Would Be Jafari: Andy Blitz (via Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
We can almost hear Blitz campaigning for Jafari now: “We… Want… Ibrahim… Jafari… To be Prime Minister of Iraq… To… Bring… Unity… And peace… And… I kinda look… Like him… And it… Would be funny… If I played him… On the show… But unity is the key… And my resemblance….”
The Few, The Proud: Johnny 5 alive and in action.
“The American military is working on a new generation of soldiers, far different from the army it has.
“‘They don’t get hungry,’ said Gordon Johnson of the Joint Forces Command at the Pentagon. ‘They’re not afraid. They don’t forget their orders. They don’t care if the guy next to them has just been shot. Will they do a better job than humans? Yes.’
“The robot soldier is coming.”
– A New Model Army Soldier Rolls Closer to Battle, by Tim Weiner, The New York Times, Feb. 16, 2005.
It should be noted that the Inside Deep Throat soundtrack is killer, laced with pounding hits from the ’70s. – A Little Variety, Inside Deep Throat Blog, Feb. 4, 2005
Building a motion picture soundtrack from the component parts of other popular motion picture soundtracks is a great way to reward your audience for their previously exhibited good taste. Besides, the deeply rooted associations the audience has with the other film (whether it’s the giddy rush of the adult film business in the 70’s or the gritty thrill of crime addled Times Square) will act as a Pavlovian trigger, placing your film in a richer, more satisfying cultural context.
Here’s how to do it the Inside Deep Throat Way:
“Spill the Wine,” by War
&
“Brand New Key,” by Melanie
(from Boogie Nights)
“Jungle Boogie,” by Kool & the Gang
(from Pulp Fiction)
“Superfly,” by Curtis Mayfield
(from Superfly)
“Love Is Strange,” by Mickey & Sylvia
(from Dirty Dancing)
“Draggin’ the Line,” by Tommy James & The Shondells
(from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)
The Inside Deep Throat Soundtrack will, no doubt, be available in stores soon.
New U.S. Secretary Showing Flexibility on ‘No Child’ Act, by Sam Dillon, The New York Times, Feb. 14, 2005.