OK, we admit it: Cheney is right

From “Remarks by the Vice President to the 16th Annual National Fire and Emergency Services Dinner“, Hilton Washington, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2004, 7:12 P.M. EDT:

“And I’m told Joe Allbaugh is in the audience tonight. Joe shouldn’t be hard to spot. (Laughter.) He — that’s Joe.”

Earlier, as part of this rare moment of kinship with Dick Cheney, we, too, had already ragged on this Allbaugh guy, but, again, he deserves it.


So Cute!



Please Kill Me Now: Campaign Quips 2004 (Ohio edition)

Finally, a solution to that most basic of Rove-ian electoral issues: how to make a connection with a completely vapid voting populace? Pick an asinine point and make it. Then, do it again. And again. And again. (God, those poor Secret Service agents. At least we now know those dark sunglasses function largely to shield the public from frequent bouts of eye-rolling.)
Ten points to whomever can correctly identify the recurring theme of the quotes sampled below:
Remarks by the President at Pancake Breakfast, Lucas County, Ohio Recreation Center, Maumee, Ohio, 9:30 A.M. EDT:

I’m sorry Laura is not here. Yes, I know. She was on the bus trip yesterday, but had to go back to Washington because, like me, she is — she works for the country. She’s got something to do. She’s got a scheduling conflict. (Laughter.) But I tell you, she sends her love and her best. She is a fabulous First Lady. One of the main reasons — (applause) — one of the main reasons to put me back in there — (laughter) — is so that Laura has four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at “ask President Bush” Event, Hara Complex, Dayton, Ohio, 12:32 P.M. EDT:

The good news is, Laura W. Bush wants to serve for four more years, as well. (Applause.) I regret she’s not here. I talked to her on the plane earlier this morning. She said to send her very best. She is a — I’m a lucky guy. She’s a great wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous First Lady of the United States. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at the Golden Lamb Inn, Lebanon, Ohio, 2:43 P.M. EDT:

I regret that Laura is not here today. I know it. You drew the short straw. (Laughter.) You know, I really got lucky when she said, “yes.” She is a fabulous wife, a great mother, and she’s doing a wonderful job as the First Lady of this country. (Applause.) I think she deserves four more years. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at Ohio Rally, Cincinnati Gardens Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio, 6:48 P.M. EDT:

I wish Laura were here to see this crowd. (Applause.) Listen, a good reason to put me back in there is so she will have four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.) She’s a great First Lady. She’s a fantastic wife and a great mom and a wonderful First Lady. I’m really proud of her. She sends her best. She sends all her best. She sends her best to all her friends here in Cincinnati.

Remarks by the President at Michigan Rally, Jerome-Duncan Theatre at Freedom Hall, Sterling Heights, Michigan, 8:44 P.M. EDT:

We’ve had a fabulous day today. It’s been somewhat diminished by the fact that Laura had to go home early. No, I know, you drew the short straw. (Laughter.) There’s a lot of reasons why I think I need to be reelected. But for certain, one of the most important reasons is to make sure that Laura is the First Lady for four more years. (Audience interruption, inaudible.)

Why is it that after seeing all the “(Laughter)” and “(Applause)” inclusions, I suspect “(Audience interruption, inaudible)” is code for “Get off the stage, you fucking hack?”


Number 2 at the Box Office? “Man on Fire”

From “The Torture Photos,” the New York Times, May 5, 2004:

By now, the images of uniformed American men and women gleefully brutalizing prisoners in exactly the manner most horrific to Muslims has been seared into the minds of television viewers around the world.


What does Jack Black’s gut have to say for itself?

envy_poster.jpgThough moviegoers were most likely spending last weekend at the multiplex watching writer Tina Fey’s monstrously mediocre “Mean Girls”, odds are at least a small handful of devoted Ben Stiller and Jack Black loyalists turned out to see director Barry Levinson’s latest debacle, “Envy”, as $6 million dollars were somehow channeled to the film’s producers by way of the box office.
An even smaller handful of internet enthusiasts subsequently posted reviews of the film on the IMDB, including this gem, which was apparently written by Ben Stiller’s conscience:

“This is the worst movie I have seen in several years. Very dumb story, dumb humor, painful acting, hard to watch. This is the type of movie that should be destroyed instead of inflicting it upon audiences. Ben Stiller has proved himself to choose very bad movies and I thought perhaps Jack Black would have made it a good movie but he did not. I am making it a policy that I will boycott movies that have Ben Stiller in it. If Ben Stiller is in the movie it is likely a bad movie and this is probably the worst movie he has been in. Movie stars do a diservice to the audience by working on junk like this and perhaps if they don’t care about their reputation and put out junk like this the audience should boycott movies they are in. There is absolutely no excuse for a piece of junk like this movie. They should pay me for waisting my time on this.”


Chan On Fire

coochan.jpgHas Steve Coogan’s young and promising film career already jumped the shark? After turning in a near-perfect performance in the near-perfect 24 Hour Party People, what is Coogan’s next move? Appearing opposite Jackie Chan, of course, in Disney’s summer release Around the World in 80 Days.
Coogan will star as the eccentric Phileas Fogg and Chan will play his French manservant Passepartout (at least if the film remains true to Verne). In other words, it’s the same surefire comic dyad that has served us so well in Rush Hours 1, 2, and yes, 3; Shanghai Noon and Knights; The Medallion; and The Tuxedo.
Before managing to effectively raze Clare Forlani’s and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s careers into the ground, Jackie Chan transformed the occasionally funny (and occasionally irritating) Chris Tucker into an unfathomably execrable onscreen presence. But not content to stop there, Chan went on to reveal that the potentially annoying Owen Wilson is, in fact, the intolerable wet blanket we suspected all along.
And so we beg you Mr. Chan, don’t take Steve Coogan down with you. What about David Cross or Hank Azaria? You can have them, they’re all yours – just not Coogan.

Grave Unintentionally Hilarious

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 19



Where Are My Feet?

Alternately: U Bulbous Mass, Gorge Away, Gigantic.