Category: Shallow

The recent revelation that Saddam Hussein has a taste for Jay Leno-approved nacho-cheese chip Doritos has sent shock waves through the snack food industry. I recently contacted PepsiCo’s board of directors about their thoughts on the shocking, possibly treasonous, matter. (Disclosure: PepsiCo owns Frito Lays which owns Doritos which holds a majority stake in low culture heavy industries.)

Their response after the jump…

Courtney Love (L) and Rocky Dennis (R)
“What’s the matter, never seen anyone from the planet Vulcan before?”
1985’s Mask

Vanilla Guy: “I WANNA WAKE UP!“

Film star Tom Cruise has asked girlfriend Katie Holmes to marry him, he announced on Friday, ending weeks of speculation over whether Hollywood’s hottest couple would wed.
Appearing with Holmes at a Paris news conference, the 42-year-old explained how he had chosen the Eiffel Tower in the city of romance to make his move.
“Yes I proposed to Kate last night … because it is very beautiful and romantic here,” Cruise said, clarifying later that the engagement had actually begun in the early hours of Friday. – Cruise proposes to actress Holmes at Eiffel Tower, by Joanna Partridge, Reuters, June 17, 2005.

“That’s more than a dress. That’s an Audrey Hepburn movie. We barely know each other. I don’t think we’ve had a single conversation about anything except your father. We got nothing to talk about. Sometimes you just gotta say ‘What the fuck.’ In this life, it’s not what you hope for, it’s not what you deserve—it’s what you take I feel the need… the need for speed.
“I’ve drained you to the point of death. If I leave you here, you die. Or you can be young always, my friend, as we are now, but you must tell me: will you come or no?
“Where exactly are we going… exactly?…Where the rainbow ends? Good. Because for a minute there, I thought we were talking about A FUCKING MASK!… I’m afraid you’ll break my heart. I want the truth!
“Help me help you. I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you, while singing your own song in a new commercial, starring you, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens… I’m gonna let ya’ in on a little secret: K-Mart sucks.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m going to give you the choice I never had… No one could resist me, not even you… Just forget about that mortal coil. You’ll become accustomed to it, all too quickly.
“Let me ask you something: are you out of your fucking mind? I will not apologize for who I am. I love you. You… complete me… Cause you’re good. We’re in this together. Fates intertwined.
“You’re my motherfucker! I had your ass over the grinder and it’s okay enough to thank me, shithead. Jump in my nightmare, the water’s warm!”

RADAR

ELLE

POP

T

AOXOMOXOA
*Is it too late to jump on the Radar blogwagon? Oh, it is? Well, fuck off! I’ve been busy, okay?
Awww, c’mon, baby. Don’t cry. Don’t be like that. Matty’s sorry. You know I love you, right? Oh, I don’t? Then why do I do so much for you? Writing all these entries—for you. Finding photos that look like other photos—for you. Coming up with hack jokes—say it with me, for you.
What did you say? Don’t you dare talk back to me! One more word out of your mouth and you’ll be sleeping over your sister’s blog tonight.

SHOCK VERDICT CLEARS JACKO OF KIDDIE SEX – AND CROWNS DA TEAM THE KINGS OF FLOP, by David K. Li and Kate Sheehy, The New York Post, June 14, 2005.
BOYS ARE BACK, by Maxine Shen, ibid.

Lucky (Boy) Fucker: Relieved, Jackson’s going home to bury himself in his Blanket.

“Denise Jack and other car owners thought they had it bad when a 75-foot retaining wall in Washington Heights in northern Manhattan collapsed on May 12, burying their parked vehicles beneath untold tons of debris. But their ordeal was actually just beginning.
“Their cars remain buried there today, and none are expected to be unearthed until the rest of the wall is stabilized and the rubble removed – up to a year from now.
“Until then, they are caught in the world of insurance limbo.
“[…]
“‘These people have a bit of an uphill battle,’ said Anthony Michael Sabino, a law professor at St. John’s University.”
– A Wall Fell on Their Cars. Then Bad Luck Set In., by Anahad O’Connor and Rachel Metz, The New York Times, June 11, 2005.

Click for larger version.

Traditionally famous for his red hair and yellow jump suit, Ronald will be seen juggling fruit and snowboarding in a TV advert to be screened on Friday.
The leaner, more health-conscious Ronald will encourage children to get up and join him playing sports.
–Ronald McDonald turns health guru, BBC, June 8, 2005.

Hackier: The George W. Bush Book Club (All Hack Edition)

“Wow, Anne Bancroft is dead.”
“Oh my God, I just got a text saying Britney got married.”
“Holy shit, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are filing for divorce.”
“Trey from the OC is on 1st Ave!”
“The Killers show is awesome.”
“Fuck, I forgot to tivo SNL.”