Stick It Up: Former KISS billboard-turned-roof (via The New York Times)
That would be The KISS Kasket.
Author: matt
There is no getting rid of him. He’s the enigma who came to stay.
– Louis Menand, Mystery Man, The New Yorker, Feb. 14 & 21, 2005.
Enigma my aunt Sally! I am no enigma, I am a man. And since Mr. Menand conveniently forgot to mention a key fact in his little piffle, I must tell you myself: I am still alive.
Of course, I’m not quite as active as I was in the old days: you try donning your top hat and starched collar when you’re nearly 100. These days, my monocle is bifocal and instead of examining butterflies up close, I squint intently at my own dark, brown liver spots.
It wasn’t always so. Back in the old days, I was quite the playboy! In the ’30s, high on all that early New Yorker acclaim (what the limey dame editor of the magazine in its bloated late life would’ve termed “buzz”), I was everywhere, celebrating the glorious literary life with Joey Mitchell, Bunny Wilson, Dotty Parker, and James “Jiminy Cricket” Thurber.
Oh, the gay times we had! And by ‘gay,’ I mean it in the old sense of the word: we drank gin distilled in our bathtubs, danced with negro chorus girls, and on occasion, performed oral sex on each other. (We called it ‘rhinebecking,’ after the quaint little town where Bunny rented a cottage during the summer of ’36.)
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Rummy, Mr. Nice Guy
See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil (background); evil (foreground), (via Reuters)
Since The New Yorker‘s a double this week, and Andy Borowitz has been spreading himself a bit thin lately, I’m gonna take bad comedy matters into my own hands.
Here’s something twice as unfunny as you’re likely find on The Times op-ed page or in The New Yorker‘s ‘Shouts & Murmurs’ and you can read it for free.
If you ask the White House what President Bush is reading these days, the press office will call back with the official list: “His Excellency: George Washington” by Joseph J. Ellis, “Alexander Hamilton” by Ron Chernow and, not least, the Bible.
What the official list omits is Tom Wolfe’s racy new beer- and sex-soaked novel, “I Am Charlotte Simmons.” The president, a fan of Mr. Wolfe, has not only read the book but also is enthusiastically recommending it to friends.
– Bush’s Official Reading List, and a Racy Omission, by Elisabeth Bumiller, The New York Times, Feb. 7, 2005.
Also on George W. Bush’s reading list:
The Five Thousand Dead Iraqi People You Meet in Heaven
Beats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Abu Ghraib
Baby-killers’ Club Friends Forever # 12: Wolfowitz and the Disaster Date
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Blank : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Gays
Dreams from My Father : A Story of Golf and Inheritance
This I Believe: An A to B of a Life
From the Idiots What Brung You Enron: 2006 Goverment Budget (via AP)
Line Item: Printing Costs, 2006 Federal Budget, first edition: $10 Million.
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Another Campaign Promise Broken
My, what big teeth you have (via Kerwoodwolf)
From Wolf’s Future in Wyoming, as Predator or Fragile Species, Is in Court’s Hands, by Kirk Johnson, The New York Times, Feb. 5, 2005:
CHEYENNE, Wyo., Feb. 4 – Gray wolves have thrived in the West since their reintroduction into Yellowstone National Park 10 years ago last month. No one disputes that. There is also broad agreement among federal wildlife officials, ranchers and conservationists that the time is ripe to remove the protections of the Endangered Species Act under which the wolves made their comeback.
[…]
The state argues that wolves are predators across much of Wyoming where they now roam and should be treated as such – residents should be allowed to shoot them at will, like other varmints.
What the fuck? Bush and Cheney promised they’d prevent the wolves from attacking us. They promised!
What’s next? Social Security won’t hit an iceberg?
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Aim High, Vote low (culture, duh)
Okay, we admit we’re not above begging. Please go to The 2005 Bloggies site and vote for us for ‘Best Weblog About Politics’ and ‘Best Group Weblog.’
It means a super lot to us! (Which is why we’re begging!!) And we’ll totally remember you when we’re famous. And, um, we’ll make T-shirts! And we’ll do TV talking head shit. Please, anything. Please, baby, please, baby, baby, baby, please!
Go vote today!
(I’m Matt Haber, and I approve this message.)
Categories
Mandate? Yeah, We Got That.
via AFP
Funny Lady: Secretary of State Rice on her first day at the State Department, Jan. 27, 2005 (via Reuters)
“Thank you, thank you. What a great audience out there. Really, I’m not just saying that: you’re a great group. You wanna know another great group? The U.N. Or, as I like to call them, ‘The United Colors of Benetton!’
“Funny thing about the U.N., and this is a true story! I was there a couple of days ago for a big meeting and one of the aides said to me, ‘Do you know where Kofi is?’ So, I looked her dead in the eyes and said, ‘Listen, just ’cause my title says Secretary doesn’t mean I’m gonna get you coffee!’ Oh, boy! She turned green then red then blue: talk about united colors!
“I’m outta time. Good night folks, you’ve been great! Don’t forget to tip your server.”