Author: jp

Life lessons on how to navigate through the hellhole that is Iraq, gleaned from “New Violence Flares in Iraq, After Executions Leave 49 Dead”, the New York Times, October 25, 2004:

“In the future, we will try to be more careful when the soldiers leave their camps,” he added. “We will provide them with protected cars that can escort them home.”

Phew! We can all rest assured, then, that slaughters of this magnitude will never happen again. I mean, the guy said, in the future, they’ll try to be more careful about it.

One lucky terrorist clutches the Bush Adminstration’s greatest nightmare, the uranium-equipped Vaccinatron 2000, which threatens to carry black-market flu vaccines into America’s largest cities, thereby obliterating all old people
From “Bush Defends Himself Against Kerry’s Charges”, the Washington Post, October 20, 2004:

President Bush pivoted sharply to domestic issues Tuesday, parrying Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kerry’s charges that the president had bungled the flu-vaccine program and would undermine Social Security in a second term.
With two weeks to go before Election Day, Kerry, fighting to reduce a small deficit in opinion polls, condemned Bush’s policies on health care and economic matters. Bush largely dropped the offensive he started Monday against Kerry’s credentials on security issues, moving quickly to defend his domestic record and charging that Kerry was willing to make outlandish assertions to win election.
[…]
Kerry aides said that in shifting to domestic concerns, Bush was responding to recent polls that show him with a narrow lead over Kerry but also show majorities of Americans saying the country is headed in the wrong direction. Bush aides said the president was not being defensive on domestic matters but rather tarring Kerry as a fear-monger using “old-style scare tactics” and as a candidate who would say anything to get elected – a charge Bush used effectively against Al Gore four years ago.

From “Kerry Discovers Flu Vaccine Shortage in Battle Against Bush”, Bloomberg, October 20, 2004:

Bill Pierce, a spokesman for Thompson, defended the Bush administration’s handling of the flu-vaccine issue. “What we don’t need people to do is scare seniors,” he said. “Senator Kerry has been doing that.”

And, finally, the coup de grace, from “Cheney, Invoking the Specter of a Nuclear Attack, Questions Kerry’s Strength”, the New York Times, October 20, 2004:

Vice President Dick Cheney cast doubt Tuesday on whether Senator John Kerry was strong enough to fight terrorism, and asserted that the nation might one day face terrorists “in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us,” including a nuclear bomb.
As he toured southern Ohio by bus seeking to energize Republican supporters, Mr. Cheney hit hard on a central theme of the Bush campaign: that the president has a better grasp than Mr. Kerry of the threats facing the nation, and the will to stymie terrorists. As in previous campaigning, the vice president invoked the specter of terrorists’ attacking an American city.
“The biggest threat we face now as a nation,” he said, “is the possibility of terrorists’ ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us – biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind – to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans.”

These people might benefit from President Bush’s repeated invocation of “education” as the great social cure-all in last night’s debate.
In today’s New York Times, we elite-coasters finally get to meet – up close and personal – that rare breed of imbecilic American voter who hasn’t been able to glean a fucking difference between Candidate A and Candidate B (perhaps better known as President George “God says I can kill people” Bush and Senator John “You may want to reconsider the implications of engaging in such an act of wanton destruction, for acts of such nature rarely lead to success, and more often bring us down the path of national woe and angst, which is German for despair” Kerry).
While we wait for the poll tax to be re-jiggered such that one needs to pass a fucking news-reading test in order to exercise their precious right to vote, here are some tragic highlights of the Times’ “After the Final Debate, Some Voters Are Still Sitting on the Fence”:
The Great Undecided Masses, on Kerry’s indelicate reminder that the Vice President’s daughter is a homo:

“That is very unfair,” blurted Patsey Farrell, 64, one of a handful of undecided voters gathered here to watch the final presidential debate Wednesday night. “I’m sorry, that’s too personal. That’s too hurtful.”

Painful, hurtful, Mrs. Farrell? Not unlike the idea that President Bush wants to introduce a galvanizing amendment to the U.S. Constitution that alienates an entire class of citizens? You dimwitted bitch.
The Great Undecided Masses, on discomforting moments in the debate:

Mr. Uhde cringed when Mr. Bush made an attempt at a joke about “credible news organizations” – and also when Mr. Kerry defended himself against Mr. Bush’s accusation that he voted 98 times to raise taxes by saying “everybody knows” you can play with the votes.
“Not everybody does know that,” Mr. Uhde said, annoyed at being made to feel stupid. “Not everybody understands when you say, ‘play with the votes.’ He’s not explaining why he did it.”

Here’s some credible news for you, Mr. Uhde. You are, in fact, pretty fucking stupid.
The Great Undecided Masses, on irony and their inability to get a fairly well-crafted joke:

Mrs. Farrell said that Mr. Kerry had proved himself a better debater, but that she was turned off by his comment about “marrying up,” perhaps because his wealthy wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, has left a bad taste with her blunt comments during the campaign.
“I think I trust Bush more than I trust Kerry,” she said after it was over.

Christ, Mrs. Farrell, you’re really testing our patience here. Try reading some topical news for once instead of inundating yourself with Bush campaign ads while you watch reruns of Hannity and Colmes.
The Great Undecided Masses, on being a selfish American:

Phyllis Bobb, 68, a member of the church, said of the president, “He’s not responding well.” Ms. Bobb, 68, said she would vote for “the person who will help seniors.”

Good going, Mrs. Bobb. It’s really impressive how you’re able to winnow down the needs of a nation of hundreds of millions of citizens (many of whom will likely be subjected to a bankrupted Social Security system, a widening class-system divide, and an environment on the brink of destruction) to the concerns of a smattering of near-death people in walkers. That’s some considerate shit.
The Great Undecided Masses, on skipping biology class in high school:

And during a discussion on abortion, Mr. Brokenborough, 52, turned away from the television to say, “Who is going to be the advocate for the baby?”

That’s a powerful question, Mr. Brokenborough. And who will be the advocate for my fingernails, which I just trimmed, or my hair, which I just had cut at a delightful salon on the Upper East Side, or perhaps the formerly functional legs and arms of several soldiers who subsequently lost limbs in the past few days of bombings and attacks in Iraq?
The Great Undecided Masses, on the merits of statistics:

But Mr. Kerry’s performance left Jay Edmonds, 77, wishing for a little more clarity. After the Democratic candidate cited the number of job losses in Arizona and the lower pay of the jobs created in their place, Mr. Edmonds shook his head.
“I don’t know about all those numbers,” he said. “I can’t add them up that fast.”

Well, Mr. Edmonds, I don’t think you add job losses to lower wages. In mathematical terms, this might be considered to be two different equations or aspects of the same problem – though nonetheless fundamentally linked. Sort of like an x- and y-axis, you fucking idiot.
The Great Undecided Masses, on senior citizens’ sleeping habits, taking into account the fact they often inexplicably get up at dawn:

Although several residents dozed off about 20 minutes into the Bush-Kerry show, Mrs. Small continued to watch intently.

Good for you, Mrs. Small. You may be uncertain as for whom you’re going to be casting a ballot in a few weeks, but at least you’re able to stay upright in your chair, all the while subjecting yourself to the theatrics of this third and final debate.
The Sun-Sentinel newspaper in South Florida, meanwhile, went another route and interviewed, get this, teenagers for their thoughts on the debate they’d just witnessed. You know, teenagers. Those young Americans who are old enough to be executed, yes, but not to vote. And, sadly, in contrast with the intelligentsia-stragglers profiled above by the New York Times, Florida’s population of the under-18 set comes off like a bunch of aspirationally-observant geniuses.
From the Sun-Sentinel‘s “Reaction from teens to the presidential debate”:

“Although this debate proved to be the most entertaining, the candidates’ contentions have surpassed repetitive and reached mind-numbing. There is a significant difference between using colloquialisms to appeal to the nation and simply conveying sheer ignorance. The president crossed that line.”
Anjali Sharma, 15, Pine Crest School
“Overall I think Bush gets a C-. At least he’s consistent with his Yale grades. Kerry presented a persuasive alternative to the spiral downward that the incumbent has (mis)lead us into.”
Bret Vallacher, 16, St. Andrews School
“Tonight’s final debate solidified much of America’s position on the upcoming election. From a debating standpoint, George Bush was constantly on the defensive while Kerry, for the third time, acted as the more presidential of the two. Bush failed to provide significant backing for his statements, instead resorting to childish defensiveness against legitimate political attacks.”
Eric Perelman, 16, Spanish River High School
“Since the second debate both candidates have grown hostile toward each other. But now both of them have seemed to even out the playing field. Unfortunately for Bush, his political growth is too little, too late. Overall, these debates have turned out to be quite a debacle for Bush’s campaign.”
Shivam Upadhyaya, 13, Stranahan High School

Note that this last kid is fucking 13 years old. Someone ought to introduce young Shivam to the Uhde family mentioned earlier.

And, hey there, swing-state voters, don’t forget that Senator John Kerry used to be in a rock n’ roll band.

From last night’s third and final debate in Tempe, Arizona, between Democratic Sen. John Kerry and Republican President George W. Bush, a line uttered by Kerry in response to a question by moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News about whether homosexuality is a “choice,” or genetically ingrained, or something that one ill-advisedly buys in the check-out line at Target:

“We’re all God’s children, Bob. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was, she’s being who she was born as.”

EARLIER: V.P. Candidate John Edwards on the gaygaygay issue
EVEN EARLIER: President George W. Bush on the gaygaygay issue.
Hopefully, the reminder that a cruel and offensively dehumanizing constitutional amendment is at stake puts all this in perspective for Democratic partisans who may have grimaced in awkward discomfort at last night’s utterances by John Kerry, as sampled above.

(both images via AP Photo/Anja Niedringhaus)