“Profiling the Elusive Undecided Voter,” or, “When teenagers who can’t vote are smarter than the nimrods who can”

These people might benefit from President Bush’s repeated invocation of “education” as the great social cure-all in last night’s debate.
In today’s New York Times, we elite-coasters finally get to meet – up close and personal – that rare breed of imbecilic American voter who hasn’t been able to glean a fucking difference between Candidate A and Candidate B (perhaps better known as President George “God says I can kill people” Bush and Senator John “You may want to reconsider the implications of engaging in such an act of wanton destruction, for acts of such nature rarely lead to success, and more often bring us down the path of national woe and angst, which is German for despair” Kerry).
While we wait for the poll tax to be re-jiggered such that one needs to pass a fucking news-reading test in order to exercise their precious right to vote, here are some tragic highlights of the Times’ “After the Final Debate, Some Voters Are Still Sitting on the Fence”:
The Great Undecided Masses, on Kerry’s indelicate reminder that the Vice President’s daughter is a homo:

“That is very unfair,” blurted Patsey Farrell, 64, one of a handful of undecided voters gathered here to watch the final presidential debate Wednesday night. “I’m sorry, that’s too personal. That’s too hurtful.”

Painful, hurtful, Mrs. Farrell? Not unlike the idea that President Bush wants to introduce a galvanizing amendment to the U.S. Constitution that alienates an entire class of citizens? You dimwitted bitch.
The Great Undecided Masses, on discomforting moments in the debate:

Mr. Uhde cringed when Mr. Bush made an attempt at a joke about “credible news organizations” – and also when Mr. Kerry defended himself against Mr. Bush’s accusation that he voted 98 times to raise taxes by saying “everybody knows” you can play with the votes.
“Not everybody does know that,” Mr. Uhde said, annoyed at being made to feel stupid. “Not everybody understands when you say, ‘play with the votes.’ He’s not explaining why he did it.”

Here’s some credible news for you, Mr. Uhde. You are, in fact, pretty fucking stupid.
The Great Undecided Masses, on irony and their inability to get a fairly well-crafted joke:

Mrs. Farrell said that Mr. Kerry had proved himself a better debater, but that she was turned off by his comment about “marrying up,” perhaps because his wealthy wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, has left a bad taste with her blunt comments during the campaign.
“I think I trust Bush more than I trust Kerry,” she said after it was over.

Christ, Mrs. Farrell, you’re really testing our patience here. Try reading some topical news for once instead of inundating yourself with Bush campaign ads while you watch reruns of Hannity and Colmes.
The Great Undecided Masses, on being a selfish American:

Phyllis Bobb, 68, a member of the church, said of the president, “He’s not responding well.” Ms. Bobb, 68, said she would vote for “the person who will help seniors.”

Good going, Mrs. Bobb. It’s really impressive how you’re able to winnow down the needs of a nation of hundreds of millions of citizens (many of whom will likely be subjected to a bankrupted Social Security system, a widening class-system divide, and an environment on the brink of destruction) to the concerns of a smattering of near-death people in walkers. That’s some considerate shit.
The Great Undecided Masses, on skipping biology class in high school:

And during a discussion on abortion, Mr. Brokenborough, 52, turned away from the television to say, “Who is going to be the advocate for the baby?”

That’s a powerful question, Mr. Brokenborough. And who will be the advocate for my fingernails, which I just trimmed, or my hair, which I just had cut at a delightful salon on the Upper East Side, or perhaps the formerly functional legs and arms of several soldiers who subsequently lost limbs in the past few days of bombings and attacks in Iraq?
The Great Undecided Masses, on the merits of statistics:

But Mr. Kerry’s performance left Jay Edmonds, 77, wishing for a little more clarity. After the Democratic candidate cited the number of job losses in Arizona and the lower pay of the jobs created in their place, Mr. Edmonds shook his head.
“I don’t know about all those numbers,” he said. “I can’t add them up that fast.”

Well, Mr. Edmonds, I don’t think you add job losses to lower wages. In mathematical terms, this might be considered to be two different equations or aspects of the same problem – though nonetheless fundamentally linked. Sort of like an x- and y-axis, you fucking idiot.
The Great Undecided Masses, on senior citizens’ sleeping habits, taking into account the fact they often inexplicably get up at dawn:

Although several residents dozed off about 20 minutes into the Bush-Kerry show, Mrs. Small continued to watch intently.

Good for you, Mrs. Small. You may be uncertain as for whom you’re going to be casting a ballot in a few weeks, but at least you’re able to stay upright in your chair, all the while subjecting yourself to the theatrics of this third and final debate.
The Sun-Sentinel newspaper in South Florida, meanwhile, went another route and interviewed, get this, teenagers for their thoughts on the debate they’d just witnessed. You know, teenagers. Those young Americans who are old enough to be executed, yes, but not to vote. And, sadly, in contrast with the intelligentsia-stragglers profiled above by the New York Times, Florida’s population of the under-18 set comes off like a bunch of aspirationally-observant geniuses.
From the Sun-Sentinel‘s “Reaction from teens to the presidential debate”:

“Although this debate proved to be the most entertaining, the candidates’ contentions have surpassed repetitive and reached mind-numbing. There is a significant difference between using colloquialisms to appeal to the nation and simply conveying sheer ignorance. The president crossed that line.”
Anjali Sharma, 15, Pine Crest School
“Overall I think Bush gets a C-. At least he’s consistent with his Yale grades. Kerry presented a persuasive alternative to the spiral downward that the incumbent has (mis)lead us into.”
Bret Vallacher, 16, St. Andrews School
“Tonight’s final debate solidified much of America’s position on the upcoming election. From a debating standpoint, George Bush was constantly on the defensive while Kerry, for the third time, acted as the more presidential of the two. Bush failed to provide significant backing for his statements, instead resorting to childish defensiveness against legitimate political attacks.”
Eric Perelman, 16, Spanish River High School
“Since the second debate both candidates have grown hostile toward each other. But now both of them have seemed to even out the playing field. Unfortunately for Bush, his political growth is too little, too late. Overall, these debates have turned out to be quite a debacle for Bush’s campaign.”
Shivam Upadhyaya, 13, Stranahan High School

Note that this last kid is fucking 13 years old. Someone ought to introduce young Shivam to the Uhde family mentioned earlier.

11 replies on ““Profiling the Elusive Undecided Voter,” or, “When teenagers who can’t vote are smarter than the nimrods who can””

Very nicely done. My mother is one of those dopes who sits around watching Fox and has NO idea what is even going on except for the crap being fed to her. And God forbid someone (me) ask her to at least make an intelligent decision based on reading the facts. OH! THE HORROR! FEH.
Thanks for the insight.

you poor, poor people. burdened as you are with the weight of such terrible knowledge. surrounded as you are by such rampant stupidity and foolishness! i don’t know how you continue. you’re right, these people are idiots! expressing consternation at the use of seemingly conflicting statistics. morons. they should simply know, as you do, the truth. they shouldn’t even have a vote! they should have to pass a test, written by say…you, for instance, in order to qualify to vote.

Poor self-righteous Bradley. Dumb people are the majority and it’s a known fact that they breed much faster than us book readin’ snobs. We, as the minority in a dum-dum world, have only anger and sarcasm to help us deal with the apparent limits of human evolution.

wow brian, you can read? geez. i guess i should cede my vote to you. as a self-professed upper-echelon evolutionary specimen, you should gladly accept this yoke of responsibility and lead us, the poor, illiterate scum with your blinding, white-hot brilliance.

Caught this post a little late, but had to laugh. I like the contrast between undecided idiots and the teenagers. Come on, Rushpuppet commenters, it’s not a stretch here to concede that so many Americans just aren’t getting it. When did critical thinking and intelligence become something to hide and be ashamed of? If you can’t take it, why don’t you pick up a book or a newspaper once in a while and enrich your OWN mind? Start with Orwell’s 1984, you dimwit.

wow virushead, you really burned my bottom, didn’t you? but i have a few questions:
1. if i disagree with a viewpoint expressed here, am i a ‘rushpuppet’? i assume you mean to compare me to a conservative. did i express any conservative inklings in my posts? or have you assumed, as the feint of mind often do, that anyone who stands apart from you is against you?
2. “just aren’t getting it.” do you mean that those who don’t agree with you don’t ‘get it’? just what aren’t they getting?
3. you’re right about critical thinking and intelligence. why don’t you employ these things?
4. what can’t i take? the assertion that those who have different priorities, viewpoints or levels of education are devoid of worth thus lack the prerequisites for involvement in our society? you’re right, i can’t take that.
5. ooooo. you mentioned an important work of literature. you must be well read AND hyper-smart. it’s too bad you’re version of empathy contradicts orwell’s so completely. if you need more help with that try Zamyatin’s ‘We’. it’s the russian novel orwell lifted when he wrote 84.

I agree with you on the whole, but wanted to help you with your argument; as you know, most intelligencia tend to ignore arguments that don’t have proper spelling or usage. Here are some suggestions:
1. “feint”, when used as an adjective, is used to describe something as intentionally misleading. I believe the word you intended to use was “faint” which, when used as an adjective, conveys feebleness or lack of strength in its object.
2. “You’re” is a contraction of “You are.” The word “your” is a possessive adjective. “Your” is appropriate when telling someone their “version of empathy contradicts orwell’s so completely.”
Glad I could help,

hey brad, I think the comments made by t thirteen year old in the article are far more mature and intelligent than anything you’ve posted here. Your last bunch of blather reads like the ravings of a third grader.

Know I’m late on this, but let’s all just remember that most of these folks don’t even believe in human evolution,much less the limits of it…

1. thanks luke. i always appreciate grammatical help.
2. thanks ralph, i did well in third grade but not fourth. what, exactly, did you find blathery?
3. thanks mary. you’ve reminded me that those who beleive in theism are idiots. maybe we should take the vote away from them.

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