Internal Office Memorandum
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TO: Matthew Haber
FROM: Jean-Paul B. Tremblay
CC: Guy Vincent Cimbalo VIII
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OK, gentlemen, you were right. That’s really the only explanation I can surmise for this shot across the bow.
Going off to help teach impoverished and undereducated children in the wilds of Ecuador this winter –– whilst concurrently having left behind that online “Reader Feedback” forum –– turned out to be a dreadfully bad idea. Heinous, even. (Though my lack of internet connectivity proved to be beneficial in polishing my storytelling chops; it’s quite striking how my ignorance of all things Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen and Randy “Duke” Cunningham/Mitchell Wade allowed my newfound gift for narrative confabulation to shine at those Quito-based USAID cocktail parties thrown in junction with Rafael and Lucio…I had people actually believing that I was an expert on everything from Supreme Court litmus tests to the canonical ambient compositions of Brian Eno and Harold Budd. Astounding!)
So, like I was saying, that “Reader Feedback” thing for low culture…a fucking bad, bad, bad idea.
The indignant, self-righteous anger that poured forth from said forum! As though people were entitled to free content on the web! I’ve always felt that unless you’re an impoverished Ecuadorian, you’re not entitled to any such handouts. How very wrong I have since been proven.
And now, not only have we disappointed myriad readers, we seem to have incited some form of extremely aggressive hostility. I am humbled and chastened.
Apparently, these “blog” things are hot shit, and we missed the boat on this one, lads. Or I personally dropped the ball. Or darted home without tagging up at third base. Or mixed sporting metaphors. Fuck if I know; my athletic knowledge is limited to the realm of sexual acrobatics, and that’s about it. (My mother once told me a man would fuck a snake if you held its head. I have since learned this is quite true.)
Anyways, let’s a get a cease-and-desist out on these guys…there’s got to be some form of copyright law or anti-parodic justification we can rely on, right? Do either of you know Lawrence Lessig?
Mucho regardo,
jp
P.S.: Guy, I couldn’t help but notice that somehow you managed to escape their assault…I mean, there aren’t any embarrassingly amateur photos of you posted on that site. No Flickr attack whatsoever. So the idea that you were behind this, I have to admit, did cross my mind, though I am willing to give your treacherous ass the benefit of the doubt.
Via today’s AP: “Bodies lie in the street after suicide bomb attack in Karbala Iraq in this image taken from TV Thursday Jan. 5, 2006”
From “U.S. Has End in Sight on Iraq Rebuilding”, the Washington Post, January 2, 2006:
U.S. officials say comparatively minor sabotage to distribution systems is keeping Iraqis from seeing the gains from scores of projects to increase electricity generation and oil production. To showcase a rebuilt school or government building, meanwhile, is to invite insurgents to bomb it.
If 2006 brings political stability and an easing of the insurgency, Americans say, the distribution systems can be fairly easily repaired.
“The good news is this investment is not in any way lost; they’re there,” said Dan Speckhard, the director of the U.S. reconstruction management office in Iraq. “They will pay off, they will be felt, if not this month, then six months down the road.”
Your concerns will be addressed, people…a mere six months down the potholed, blood-spattered, bomb-shellacked road.
What classic American value! 14 episodes of the under-appreciated “Planet of the Apes” television series, finally available on DVD for a mere $43. I can put it on my shelf right next to other similar items, such as…
Ummm. OK, then. The “Similar Items” list also includes, for what it’s worth, “Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise And Fall Of Jack Johnson” and “What’s Love Got To Do With It (Full Frame)”.
(Thanks to jfajitas.)
UPDATED: Apparently this was already caught by a blogger named SanDiegoJohnny back in October of last year, which somehow makes this even worse, in that it has remained unchanged for months, now, and an entire season of holiday shoppers was exposed to such post-Katrina Kommodity Kommentary.
The President’s quote in the headline above comes by way of Bush Estimates 30,000 Iraqis Killed, the Washington Post, December 12, 2005…
Fair enough. And what, you may ask, defines a “challenge”? How about the experiences yet to be had by the young girl below, grieving over the corpse of her gunned-down daddy? She can at least always be thankful that he didn’t die in one of Saddam’s infamous torture rooms, because then, you see, she would be angry and bitter about his death at the hands of an all-powerful, violent government entity. It’s so much better this way. Our way. The American way.
“Setbacks”? Here’s venturing a good guess that this kid below underwent quite a setback when his leg was blown off. Really, lad…no child will be left behind, we’ll just expect you to work that much harder to catch up with the rest of us as you hobble along the streets of your newly-democratic Iraq.
“False starts”? An improperly-timed beginning, as in the case of the boy pictured below. Wait, that’s wrong. An improperly-timed end, e.g. this kid never really got to start his life because now he’s fucking dead as a result of an invasion enacted under false pretenses.
Remember, kids, keep those photos coming! We’re compiling the best of them for our limited-edition “God Wanted You to Die” commemorative PDF.
From “Carey, Legend, West Lead Grammy Nods“, the Associated Press, December 8, 2005:
[Mariah] Carey’s eight nominations tied John Legend and Kanye West. Soul crooner Legend’s nominations included best new artist, while West is up for album of the year for “Late Registration” and song of the year for “Gold Digger.” “I feel incredible,” said Legend, a West protege whose debut “Get Lifted” was a million-seller. “You put a lot of expectations into what you want the record to be.”
Other multiple nominees included 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani, U2 and Bruce Springsteen.
From the Academy’s list of official nominees:
12. Dance Recording: “Galvanize,” The Chemical Brothers featuring Q- Tip; “Say Hello,” Deep Dish: “Wonderful Night,” Fatboy Slim & Lateef; “Daft Punk Is Playing at My House,” LCD Soundsystem; “I Believe in You,” Kylie Minogue; “Guilt Is a Useless Emotion,” New Order.
13. Electronic/Dance Album: “Push the Button,” The Chemical Brothers; “Human After All,” Daft Punk; “Palookaville,” Fatboy Slim; “Minimum- Maximum,” Kraftwerk; “LCD Soundsystem,” LCD Soundsystem.
See, it’s always good for the DFA-haters to get some perspective.
It’s almost enough to make one think there still exists a segment of the record-buying populace who hasn’t heard Murphy’s debut album. Have these poor people not set foot in an Urban Outfitters this past year?
An actual quote from our actual president at yesterday’s White House Children’s Holiday Reception:
“This is Laura; I’m George W. We hope you’ve had some fun here. I hope nobody pinched Rudolph on the nose. Nobody did? That’s good. Rudolph is happy about that, too.”
Because it’s a novel endeavor to imply that President Bush is a sub-literate imbecile, get it? That’s the essence of easy laughter.
Just ask top-tier comedy writers everywhere!
Hey, members of the rightwing cabal, chill out, my bible-totin’ brethren. The whole hullabaloo over the vice president’s visage being obscured by a giant black X on CNN’s broadcast of his speech to the AEI yesterday? We got all worked up about nothin’, man. It was merely a technical error, see?
Which is far, far better than an error in judgment.
President Bush rides with members of the Chinese Olympic cycling team on the Laoshan Olympic Mountain Bike Course in Beijing. (Charles Dharapak, Associated Press)
The Washington Post‘s headline writers illustrate the success of his trip as follows, and somehow manage to be both more and less pointed in their commentary: “Bush’s Asia Trip Meets Low Expectations” (Washington Post, November 21, 2005).
But you know what? We’re at least proud to say he is so totally beating those Chinamen! You show them who invented bicycling, George! And we’ll pretend it wasn’t the French or the Germans. And that no one can ever, ever, ever pass you on the bikepaths. Or tell you that you’re wrong. About anything at all.
And then there’s this, which, as always, is unrelated…from “House Approves Spending Reductions”, Washington Post, November 18, 2005:
The House narrowly approved a broad five-year budget plan early this morning that squeezes programs for the poor, for college students and for farmers, handing Republican leaders a hard-fought victory after weeks of resistance in GOP ranks.
No word yet on whether or not the Pointless-but-Pricey Trips Abroad Appropriations Bill (H.J.Res.27, H.R. 48) will be vetoed once it hits the president’s desk.
