low culture

A few years ago, Might Magazine wondered on its cover if all local news was actually being broadcast from hell. Once again, Eggers and his merry band of pranksters were dead-on but suffered from being too far ahead of the curve.
In today’s New York Times, Elisabeth Bumiller tells us that President Bush is bypassing those biased White House press pool reporters in favor of some non-judgmental, down-to-earth interviews with local newsmen and women. Five newsmen and women, back-to-back (junket-style), apparently. Said the President:
There’s a sense that people in America aren’t getting the truth…I’m mindful of the filter through which some news travels, and sometimes you have to go over the heads of the filter and speak directly to the people.
Right on, Mr. President! We the people, don’t like our news filtered for us by opinionated people, do we? Hell, no! I mean, what kind of an ignorant fool would want their news filtered for them? Not us, that’s for sure!

For the past month, residents of the Austrian capital city of Vienna have noticed a large contraption erected in the center of Karlsplatz, one of the city’s historic plazas. Translucent but sturdy, and appearing to have originated from the mind of Stanley Kubrick’s set designer, the two-story structure was prominently billed as the Nike Infobox, a “high-tech multipurpose container acting as display stand, open office, and lounge.” In addition to featuring two Nike-clad staffers inside and being prominently adorned with the familiar “Swoosh” logo, information was printed on the structure’s sides that proclaimed, “Nikeplatz (formerly Karlsplatz): This square will soon be called NikePlatz”, as well as including an instructional phone number and URL, www.nikeground.com, presumably so that interested (or more likely, highly concerned) citizens could gather more information about the mysterious co-opting of the city’s history and public space.
And what did they learn? “Nike is introducing its legendary brand into squares, streets, parks and boulevards: Nikesquare, Nikestreet, Piazzanike, Plazanike or Nikestrasse will appear in major world capitals over the coming years!” Furthermore, curious onlookers were promised, the square would soon feature a giant 36- by 18-meter monumental Nike Swoosh, coated in “special steel covered with a revolutionary red resin made from recycled sneaker soles.”

Thanks to the well-meaning (but completely idiotic) three-star Lt. Gen. William G. “Jerry” Boykin, we’re all going to hell, which is pretty ironic, given what the guy did. Or rather, said.
Lt. Gen. Boykin has been a frequent guest lecturer on behalf of his evangelical Christian faith, where, as a military commander active in the search for Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, he is invited to speak — in uniform — to church audiences, presumably to inspire them to serve their country through means other than paying higher income taxes.
News organizations have been having a field day detailing the full rancor of his remarks, including comments stating that “President Bush ‘is in the White House because God put him there,’ and that ‘we in the army of God . . . have been raised for such a time as this.'”
Furthermore, Boykin said — aloud — that Islamic fundamentalists hate the U.S. “because ‘we’re a Christian nation’ and added that our ‘spiritual enemy will only be defeated if we come against them in the name of Jesus.'” Oh, and let’s not leave out his thoughts on the Prince of Darkness, who may or may not be more evil than Muslims: “The battle that we’re in is a spiritual battle. Satan wants to destroy this nation, he wants to destroy us as a nation, and he wants to destroy us as a Christian army.”
Where do I sign up??!! Because we’re nothing but hellbound with Boykin’s framing of this “clash of civilizations” and the foolhardy perpetuating of this War on Terror™. And he’s not even Mormon.

The FAA has embarked in a sweeping review of its security procedures and has ordered new inspections of the more than 7,000 aircraft in the nation’s commercial airline fleet, officials announced today.
This is in response to a mechanical crew’s discovery on Thursday evening of a small bag containing boxcutters and other potentially dangerous paraphernalia found on two different Southwest Airlines flights. Also included in each bag were notes that made clear that the bag’s purpose was to highlight weaknesses in the current system of searching passengers before they board planes, and to show that weapons could still be brought onto commercial aircraft.
“In addition to the box cutters and notes, the bags contained bleach and modeling clay, according to a senior law enforcement official speaking on condition of anonymity. The clay was formed to mimic a plastic explosive, while the bleach could have been used to demonstrate how a dangerous liquid could be smuggled aboard an aircraft. It could also be thrown in a person’s eyes to temporarily blind them.
The notes also included the exact date and location the items were placed on board the planes, the official said.”
Following the description of the bag’s contents above, a completely unnecessary (and very asinine) concluding element in the New York Times’ reporting of this incident attempted to stave off fears of renewed terrorism:
“Government officials played down the possibility of a terrorist connection, though FBI spokeswoman Susan Whitson said members of the bureau’s joint terrorism task forces are involved in the investigation.
Harbin said Southwest does not believe the items found were connected to a plot to hijack the airplanes.”
Who would ever, in their right mind, suspect that this was anything but the work of someone clearly trying to help by revealing errors in the way we’ve been combatting terrorism, much like the unique breed of benevolent hackers who break into government websites and then alert site administrators of their security weaknesses?
It’s reassuring to know that members of the FBI’s terrorism task force are involved in finding whomever planted this terrorist “go bag”. Let’s hope this concerned citizen gets life in Gitmo.

Wielding what has to be one of the least coherent quips ever spoken by a member of the House, Democratic Minority leader Nancy Pelosi, who at one time was thought to be the left’s saving grace when Dick Gephardt resigned as leader, tried her damnedest yesterday to encapsulate Democratic frustration with Bush’s willingness to spend $87 billion on nation-building (with a healthy $20 billion of that going to U.S. construction firms and part-time Republican party donors).
Her completely-not-soundbite-ready comment appears below:
The funding issue, like last year’s vote to go to war in Iraq, split Democrats. Many supported the funding despite reservations about Bush’s policy. But others joined with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., who called the bill a “bailout for one-eighth Bush’s three-eighths failed policy.”
Good thing election year is approaching, because with clever and accessible retorts like that, every American voter can get on board with the Dems next fall.