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Grave

“If I had prepared, my answer would be ‘You are dead, young lady'”

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During today’s visit to Red China, Vice President Cheney spoke at Shanghai’s Fudan University, using the opportunity to praise China’s economic reforms that have enabled the monstrously large nation to be less “red” and more, well, “red” in their approach to free markets and capitalism.
Oh, there was also some stuff about the need to bring a genuine democratic movement over there, as well. As we’ve seen, spreading democracy, of course, is the central theme of the Bush 43 Administration, even though this leitmotif may not have effectively seeped into the mindset of those students handpicked to engage in the eventual question-and-answer session:

The students, asking polite and respectful questions, did not pick up on Cheney’s theme of democracy, choosing instead to ask about economic and regional issues, such as the U.S. sales of arms of Taiwan, which China considers a renegade province.
To laughter, however, one student showed a keen understanding of inter-administration politics. “It is said you are the the most powerful vice president in U.S. history,” she asked. “I ask, how do you play a role in the Bush administration?”
“That is not a question I had anticipated,” Cheney said.

Categories
Grave Satirical

How to replace your lesbian daughter

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“Yay! Souvenirs!”
…bring back a newly-adopted daughter from your trip to China!
Or per VH1’s “Best Week Ever“: Upgrade? Downgrade?

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Grave

Bush’s Iraqi Playbook/Playbill

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From President Bush’s televised press conference, April 13, 2004:

We’re at war. Iraq is a part of the war on terror. It is not the war on terror; it is a theater in the war on terror. And it’s essential we win this battle in the war on terror. By winning this battle, it will make other victories more certain in the war against the terrorists.

And for a rational, in-depth, and nuanced take on these theatrics, read Fareed Zakaria’s piece in Newsweek, April 19, 2004:

The date, June 30, is less important than the entity to which power is transferred. If that new government is seen as an American puppet, then challenges to it will persist, and America will find itself propping up an unpopular local regime that is doomed to fail. And that dilemma reminds one not of the British in Iraq, but of the United States in Vietnam.

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Grave

Murdoch Mashup Madness!

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As with any good remix, this record comes with multiple tracks…
Trimming Bush
Cut and Paste Press Conference
Right Wing Slash Fiction

Categories
Grave Satirical

Tomorrow’s Corrections Today, vol. 2

Slated to appear on the New York Times’ Corrections page, April 13, 2004:

Because of an editing error, a portion of former Vermont governor and Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean’s op-ed (For Ralph Nader, but Not for President, April 12, 2004) was printed incorrectly. The article stated: “Everyone expects this year’s presidential election to be decided by razor-thin margins in a few battleground states. Everyone also expects the candidacy of Ralph Nader to make the race between John Kerry and George Bush even closer. As I know from experience, however, voters have a way of proving everyone wrong.”
The last sentence, in its completed form, should have read in full, “As I know from experience, chickenshit voters have a way of trouncing on your dreams, spitting on your convictions, stabbing you in the back, pussying up with your peers who have stolen your message, and kicking you in the balls because they’re cowards, and dullards, and good for nothing. They can all go to fucking hell for all I care.” The Times regrets the error.

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Grave

Gravitas (or lack thereof)

bush_smiling.jpgThis is why they put Cheney on the ticket, right? Anyway…
Lines spoken by George W. Bush during which he smiled, grinned, or laughed (I’ve exempted instances of “chuckling” and “guffawing” out of ideological fairness):
April 12, 2004, defending the contents of his August 2001 PDB:

“Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved mountains to stop the attack. And had there been actionable intelligence, we would have moved on it.”

October 11, 2000, discussing his lack of support for a Texas hate crimes bill, during the second Presidential debate:

GOV. BUSH: No — well what the vice president must not understand is we’ve got hate Crimes bill in Texas. And secondly, the people that murdered Mr. Byrd got the ultimate punishment:
MR. LEHRER: But they were —
GOV. BUSH: — the death penalty.
MR. LEHRER: They were prosecuted under the murder laws, were they not?
GOV. BUSH: Well —
MR. LEHRER: In Texas
GOV. BUSH: — all — in this case, when you murder somebody, it’s hate, Jim. The crime is hate. And they got the ultimate punishment. I’m not exactly sure you enhance the penalty any more than the death penalty.

Wow, George, that’s some funny shit. Try and save some material for the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner next year!
There is going to be a “next year,” right?

Categories
Grave Satirical

Creatively Ideological Ellipsing

classifieddocument02.jpgFrom the recently-declassified PDB (president’s daily briefing) of August 6, 2001, which was received (and, presumably, read) by President Bush while vacationing on his ranch in Crawford, Texas:
Ellipses (or “dot dot dots” for all you non-grammar geeks) indicate either a) material omitted due to extant classified status, or b) material omitted to make this memo look way more deceptively damning than it already is in its original form (which, admittedly, is pretty portentous in and of itself, but still…).

“[G]overnment…reports indicate bin Laden…was planning…a terrorist strike in the U.S. …and…maintains a support structure…in California…and…New York…for attacks.
…We have…been able to corroborate…reporting…that bin Laden wanted to hijack a U.S. aircraft…for…attacks…of…buildings in New York….[A] group of bin Laden supporters was in the U.S. planning attacks…
[E]xplosive.”

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Grave

Perhaps the ark of the covenant can reveal his undisclosed location?

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Grave

(Not) Separated at Birth

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With all due respect to former Senator Bob Kerrey.

KERREY: Dr. Clarke, in the spirit of further declassification…
RICE: Sir, with all…
KERREY: The spirit…
RICE: I don’t think I look like Dick Clarke, but…
(LAUGHTER)
KERREY: Dr. Rice, excuse me.
RICE: Thank you.

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Grave

Identify Bush’s Republican Party supporters

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OR

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ANSWER: The top photo, only because the little brown folks in the bottom photo with Dubya aren’t old enough to vote!
(Thanks to Matt at 1115.org for the “compassionate” photo link)