Author: matt

Now, isn’t that special?
Not since Bono glided through concert arenas in a giant lemon for U2’s POPmart tour has stagecraft been so far in the forefront as it is for next week’s Republican National Convention.
Today’s Times reveals some of the excellent bells and whistles we’ll be witnessing when President Bush delivers his speech before literally many, many delegates in New York. (For the President, Special Setup Is Planned at Convention, by Michael Slackman.)
A very special president deserves an extra-special stage. (It goes without saying that if Mr. Bush had participated in this year’s Olympics in Athens, it would’ve been a Special Olympics, indeed.) As the article points out, to create a sense of “special intimacy” (there’s that word again!), a centrally-located in-the-round stage will be erected.
What other special theatrics are in store for the convention?

President Bush will descend on a harness from the rafters wearing 25-foot angel wings.
Vice President Dick Cheney will enter dressed as a gladiator and slay an animatronic tiger affectionately nicknamed “Edwards.”
The 1.5 million gallon water tank from Cirque du Soleil’s O will be assembled in Madison Square Garden so that Condoleezza Rice may lead synchronized swimmers in a routine set to Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries.”
Four cannons loaded with indoor fireworks that spell out “LOWER TAXES” will be fired at the ceiling
Those hilarious stunt-dunking guys in gorilla suits will go buck wild!
The living Beatles—all two of them—will reunite to sing “Fixing A Hole” with new lyrics about Iraq
A CGI-assisted video will show John Ashcroft at the signing of the Declaration of Independence
Donald Rumsfeld will smile for five seconds
Delegates arriving by swift boats and yachts and walking a pink carpet lined with photographers and writers from The Weekly Standard, The Washington Times, and The National Review asking “Who are you wearing?” and “Do you think Britney is rushing into marriage?”
Live, via satellite, Jesus will bless the delegates
Twenty uniformed members of the armed services will form a pyramid, and a trained elephant will lift a veteran of the Iraq war out of his wheelchair and place him on the top so he can wave an American flag with his remaining arm
A (taped) speech by Ronald Reagan about how much he loves America and apple sauce and swimming and how his male nurse is stealing from him and someone is coming into his room and using his phone and can he have some more apple sauce please, mommy?
Paris Hilton and Haylie Duff will speak together, putting an end to any rumors that they’re in a feud
Alan Keyes will deliver a speech ten times better than what’s his name’s and then sing Outkast’s “Hey Ya” with new lyrics about compassionate conservatism.
Karl Rove will sit behind an enormous green curtain doing… things. Don’t worry about what he’s doing. Really—it’s fine.
Donald Trump, closing the convention by pointing at John Kerry and saying “Ya fired!”

And, if that’s not all, it’s free bat day! Well, for the cops outside it is.