low culture exclusive: must credit low culture (or not):
On Thursday, May 6, 2004, while fifty million Americans tuned in to see the end of Friends on NBC, what were Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld doing? Eating hotdogs and watching the Mets battle Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants from behind the visitors’ dugout at Shea Stadium.
Finally, an explanation for that whole sitcom-star subplot of Larry David’s “Sour Grapes“.
From “Remarks by the Vice President to the 16th Annual National Fire and Emergency Services Dinner“, Hilton Washington, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2004, 7:12 P.M. EDT:
“And I’m told Joe Allbaugh is in the audience tonight. Joe shouldn’t be hard to spot. (Laughter.) He — that’s Joe.”
Earlier, as part of this rare moment of kinship with Dick Cheney, we, too, had already ragged on this Allbaugh guy, but, again, he deserves it.
Finally, a solution to that most basic of Rove-ian electoral issues: how to make a connection with a completely vapid voting populace? Pick an asinine point and make it. Then, do it again. And again. And again. (God, those poor Secret Service agents. At least we now know those dark sunglasses function largely to shield the public from frequent bouts of eye-rolling.)
Ten points to whomever can correctly identify the recurring theme of the quotes sampled below:
Remarks by the President at Pancake Breakfast, Lucas County, Ohio Recreation Center, Maumee, Ohio, 9:30 A.M. EDT:
I’m sorry Laura is not here. Yes, I know. She was on the bus trip yesterday, but had to go back to Washington because, like me, she is — she works for the country. She’s got something to do. She’s got a scheduling conflict. (Laughter.) But I tell you, she sends her love and her best. She is a fabulous First Lady. One of the main reasons — (applause) — one of the main reasons to put me back in there — (laughter) — is so that Laura has four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.)
Remarks by the President at “ask President Bush” Event, Hara Complex, Dayton, Ohio, 12:32 P.M. EDT:
The good news is, Laura W. Bush wants to serve for four more years, as well. (Applause.) I regret she’s not here. I talked to her on the plane earlier this morning. She said to send her very best. She is a — I’m a lucky guy. She’s a great wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous First Lady of the United States. (Applause.)
Remarks by the President at the Golden Lamb Inn, Lebanon, Ohio, 2:43 P.M. EDT:
I regret that Laura is not here today. I know it. You drew the short straw. (Laughter.) You know, I really got lucky when she said, “yes.” She is a fabulous wife, a great mother, and she’s doing a wonderful job as the First Lady of this country. (Applause.) I think she deserves four more years. (Applause.)
Remarks by the President at Ohio Rally, Cincinnati Gardens Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio, 6:48 P.M. EDT:
I wish Laura were here to see this crowd. (Applause.) Listen, a good reason to put me back in there is so she will have four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.) She’s a great First Lady. She’s a fantastic wife and a great mom and a wonderful First Lady. I’m really proud of her. She sends her best. She sends all her best. She sends her best to all her friends here in Cincinnati.
SPECIAL BONUS ROUND, MICHIGAN EDITION:
Remarks by the President at Michigan Rally, Jerome-Duncan Theatre at Freedom Hall, Sterling Heights, Michigan, 8:44 P.M. EDT:
We’ve had a fabulous day today. It’s been somewhat diminished by the fact that Laura had to go home early. No, I know, you drew the short straw. (Laughter.) There’s a lot of reasons why I think I need to be reelected. But for certain, one of the most important reasons is to make sure that Laura is the First Lady for four more years. (Audience interruption, inaudible.)
Why is it that after seeing all the “(Laughter)” and “(Applause)” inclusions, I suspect “(Audience interruption, inaudible)” is code for “Get off the stage, you fucking hack?”
From “The Torture Photos,” the New York Times, May 5, 2004:
By now, the images of uniformed American men and women gleefully brutalizing prisoners in exactly the manner most horrific to Muslims has been seared into the minds of television viewers around the world.
Though moviegoers were most likely spending last weekend at the multiplex watching writer Tina Fey’s monstrously mediocre “Mean Girls”, odds are at least a small handful of devoted Ben Stiller and Jack Black loyalists turned out to see director Barry Levinson’s latest debacle, “Envy”, as $6 million dollars were somehow channeled to the film’s producers by way of the box office.
An even smaller handful of internet enthusiasts subsequently posted reviews of the film on the IMDB, including this gem, which was apparently written by Ben Stiller’s conscience:
“This is the worst movie I have seen in several years. Very dumb story, dumb humor, painful acting, hard to watch. This is the type of movie that should be destroyed instead of inflicting it upon audiences. Ben Stiller has proved himself to choose very bad movies and I thought perhaps Jack Black would have made it a good movie but he did not. I am making it a policy that I will boycott movies that have Ben Stiller in it. If Ben Stiller is in the movie it is likely a bad movie and this is probably the worst movie he has been in. Movie stars do a diservice to the audience by working on junk like this and perhaps if they don’t care about their reputation and put out junk like this the audience should boycott movies they are in. There is absolutely no excuse for a piece of junk like this movie. They should pay me for waisting my time on this.”
Regarding that whole “Mission Accomplished” fiasco of May 1, 2003, from “Bush speech anniversary draws scrutiny, commentary”, CNN.com, April 30, 2004:
Bush defended the speech as he talked to reporters Friday during a Rose Garden appearance with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.
“A year ago, I did give the speech from the carrier saying that we had achieved an important objective, that we had accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein,” Bush said.
“And as a result, there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq. As a result, a friend of terror has been removed and now sits in a jail.
Regarding the broadcast of photos of American soldiers and contractors torturing Iraqi prisoners, from “Bush expresses ‘deep disgust’ at prison photos”, CNN.com, April 30, 2004:
In the face of international outrage, President Bush said Friday that he was disgusted by photographs that apparently show American soldiers abusing detainees at a prison outside Baghdad.
“I share a deep disgust that those prisoners were treated the way they were treated,” Bush said. “Their treatment does not reflect the nature of the American people. That’s not the way we do things in America.”
[…]
“I didn’t like it one bit,” Bush added during an appearance in the White House Rose Garden with visiting Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.
Not to belabor the completely blunt irony or anything, but both of the abovementioned remarks were made at the exact same appearance by the President this morning.
In “Stations to Boycott ‘Nightline’s’ List of the Fallen”, the Washington Post is reporting that seven local ABC affiliates owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group have chosen not to air tonight’s episode of Ted Koppel’s nightly newsmagazine, which will be comprised solely of the anchor reading the names and displaying the photos of the 737 American troops who have perished thus far in Iraq.
In a statement on their website, the Sinclair Broadcast Group explains the “boycott” decision thusly:
Despite the denials by a spokeswoman for the show, the action appears to be motivated by a political agenda designed to undermine the efforts of the United States in Iraq.
There is no organization that holds the members of our military and those soldiers who have sacrificed their lives in service of our country in higher regard than Sinclair Broadcast Group.
Likewise, there is no organization that holds the members of the free press and those journalists who have embedded themselves (and befriended subsequently-fallen troops in Iraq) in higher regard than we do here at low culture, so, in fitting tribute, we are hereby displaying the names and station ID’s of those affiliates that have “fallen” in the war on fair and accurate reporting.
WSYX, Columbus, Ohio
WEAR, Pensacola, Florida
WLOS, Asheville, North Carolina
WXLV, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
WGGB, Springfield, Massachusetts
KDNL, St. Louis, Missouri
WCHS, Charleston, West Virginia
Turning a press release into an article or caption is easy and fun. First, take a press release, say, for example, Gretchen Mol to Play the Title Role in Killer Films’ THE BALLAD OF BETTIE PAGE; Financed by HBO, Film is Directed by Mary Harron, and Written by Harron and Guinivere Turner (from March 31, 2004).
Now, using your mouse, select the portion of the text you want to use and select ‘Cut’ from your ‘File’ menu. (There is a shortcut for this, but we only recommend that seasoned writers attempt to use that.)
Using the example press release, select the following text:
The most successful pin-up model of the 1950s, Page’s legendary bondage photographs made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography, and turned her into one of the first American sex icons.
You may also want to scroll down in the press release and copy this portion:
The cast also includes Lili Taylor (“Casa de los babys”), David Strathairn (“Twisted”), Jonathan M. Woodward (“Pipe Dream”), Cara Seymour (“Gangs of New York”), Tara Subkoff (“The Cell”) and Kevin Carroll (“The Secret Lives of Dentists”).
Open a text-editing document and select ‘Paste’ from the ‘File’ menu. Now comes the hard part: editing. You’ll want to add the name “Bettie Page” in that first sentence. You’ll also want to shorten the second paragraph a bit. Also, you might want to write your own topical hook in the beginning, since this press release is a bit old.
Congratulations, you have an article or caption. To see the fruits of your labor, check out GORGEOUS GRETCHEN A CONEY EYEFUL in today’s New York Post:
Actress Gretchen Mol dazzles yesterday as she struts her stuff while on location shooting “The Ballad of Bettie Page” in Coney Island.
In the film, the 31-year-old stunner plays the 1950s pinup girl whose legendary bondage photos made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography.
Dubbed the “Girl with the Perfect Figure,” Page was one of America’s first sex sirens.
She graced the pages of hundreds of magazines, including Playboy.
The flick also stars Lili Taylor and David Strathairn.