Author: jp

And he’ll remain this cocky all weekend long, until Karl Rove implies that Kerry is a pedophile. Or so we heard.

From George W. Bush’s unofficial opening arguments in last night’s first presidential debate with Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry:

“In Iraq we saw a threat and we realized that after Sept. 11 we must take threats seriously before they fully materialize. Saddam Hussein now sits in a prison cell. America and the world are safer for it.”

Visual reinforcement, from A.P. wire service images taken over the last 48 hours, of America’s steady progress in President Bush’ War on Terror™ or however it’s being billed at this moment. I’m guessing that the “safety zone” is located well outside Baghdad’s notorious “Green Zone” enclave.

An Iraqi soldier, Ahmed Ali, breaks down after seeing the dead bodies of several children when two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession in the al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004 killing 35 children and seven adults. The bombs in Baghdad’s al-Amel neighborhood caused the largest death toll of children in any insurgent attack since the conflict began 17 months ago. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)

The dead bodies of four children are seen at a hospital in Fallujah, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. The children died when the car they were travelling in allegedly came under fire from U.S. forces, whereby the driver lost control and the car fell into a stream near Fallujah, Thursday . Eyewitness Hussein Alwan said that the U.S. military personnel stopped locals from assisting the drowning people, leading to the death of the four children along with two other women travelling in the car. The wounded driver was later rescued. The U.S. military media liason personnel said in Baghdad that they were unaware of any such incident. (AP Photo/Bilal Hussein)

An unidentified mother waits by her daughter’s bedside after two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession at al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004. At least 37 were killed, of which 34 are children and nearly 137 got wounded in the attack. (AP Photo/Samir Mizban)

Women cry as they await for news of the fate of their children, outside Yarmouk hospital, after two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession at al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. At least 37 were killed, most of them children, and 137 were wounded in the attack, hospital and military officials said. 10 U.S. soldiers are amongst the wounded. (AP Photo/Samir Mizban)

A U.S. armored vehicle waits near the site of car bomb attack in Abu Ghraib, Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. At least three died and 60 were reportedly injured in the attack. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)

Selected highlights from the cable news networks’ coverage of the buildup to last night’s first presidential debate between Pres. George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry, as aired September 30, 2004:
CNN, PAULA ZAHN NOW: Zero Hour Nears For Presidential Debate, WOLF BLITZER, noted company man, 8:48 PM:

“Fascinating, indeed. Our viewers will be fascinated, no doubt. We’ll be watching very closely. Bill Hemmer, we’ll get back to you.
For our viewers who are really interested in politics and want answers to a whole range of questions, go to CNN.com. Incredible amount of information on this presidential race, the history, the current status, CNN.com. That’s the place you want to be for politics.”

MSNBC, Pre-Debate Countdown, hosted by Chris Matthews, TUCKER ASKEW, Bush White House communications adviser and noted grade-school punning champion, 8:18 PM:

“…Kerry’s a master debater…”

FOX News, FOX Report with Shepard Smith, SHEPARD SMITH, news anchor, fearmonger, and ratings whore, 7:59 PM:

“Stay tuned, as the war on terror continues on FOX…”

“…and that’s where the snipers will be perched.”

George W. Bush, left, and Vladimir Lenin, right (and probably the only time these two can ever be said to be approximating these respective positions, mind you).

Just an ill-informed guess, but Presidential candidate John Kerry appears to be scouring the latest issue of The Onion for ideas pertaining to “what is funny” and “what to do at the Mercury Lounge later this evening”
The Associated Press, in the wake of other reports on the success of the Bush camp’s usage of humor at political rallies earlier this week, has now provided equal time to the president’s opponent in a rote assessment of John Kerry’s skills at invoking laughter.
Literally – the piece is rote and by the numbers.
According to the piece’s writer, Nedra Pickler, “even while speaking on the very serious topic of Iraq last week at New York University, Kerry made the audience laugh six times at President Bush’s expense.” Did you get that? Six laughs, to be precise. Furthermore, the subject matter of Iraq is deemed to be “very serious” for some inexplicable reason, though Sen. Kerry has been able to invoke “laughs” and “chuckles” from audiences who have been treated to his riffs on the President’s disavowal of bad news in our latest colonial acquisition. Later, we learn that audience members have also “guffawed” at these events, but it remains unsaid whether or not anyone may have ventured so far as to “chortle”, though that’s a definite likelihood if they were treated to Kerry’s time-tested “Bush is sooooo stupid, that…” routine. Seriously, that bit kills every Tuesday night at the Laugh Factory.
Thankfully, Pickler assists politically-minded stand-up comics everywhere by detailing some of the senator’s signature lines:

Kerry said the occupation of Iraq is riddled with problems, “yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way.” Kerry paused for affect before asking sarcastically, “How can he possibly be serious?”

Oh, fuck, that snide sumbitch! He pulled the asshole card right there! (Full disclosure: I, too, am an asshole.) Hmmm. This quandary creates some sort of mid-post smug-asshole-dilemma, I suspect, that can only be resolved by a battle of humorous invocations of colloquialisms:

Kerry used an idiom likely to be heard among teenagers in a shopping mall, but not on the Senate floor.
“You’re going to hear all this talk, `Oh, we’ve turned the corner, we’re doing better, blah, blah,'” he said, running on the phrase as his Wisconsin audience erupted in laughter. “You know, blah and blah and blah.”

Damn, he really has been polishing his material by watching a great deal of MTV2 and Fuse…since my initial instincts, as a recreational reader of Lingua Franca and Congressional Quarterly, were to recommend that Kerry try something more traditional, along the lines of: “You will proceed to hear a series of speeches emanating from the President’s operatives, henceforth declaring, ‘We have turned the corner, we’re doing better, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum.'” The senator from Massachusetts, on the other hand, clearly knows his shit.
To demonstrate this, we’ve got this nugget of merriment:

Kerry was cracking up his partisan crowd by telling Wisconsin voters they shouldn’t be wary of changing horses midstream when the horse is drowning. He tied the metaphor to reports that the Bush campaign insisted that podiums in Thursday’s debate be set relatively far apart to obscure Kerry’s five-inch height advantage.
“May I also suggest that we need a taller horse?” he said. “You can get through deeper waters that way.”

From an objective standpoint, even I can admit that qualifying this bit as “funny” is a stretch that even Olympic medalist Carly Patterson wouldn’t attempt to make (Ha, ha…see you next week at the clubs, suckas!!!).