Author: jp

LC Toolbox #2: The Blogger’s Awesome Person’s Guide to Impressing Your Friends and Minimizing Your Acquaintances

Post author By jp
Post date March 15, 2006

Wow, look at that! Look, look, right there, up above! Why, it’s me, Jean-Paul Tremblay, standing with genuine, honest-to-god famous person David Cross, and photographed for all the world to see.
That’s some fucking posterity, right? The sort of posterity that can only come through posting this photo on Friendster, Flickr, and my personal space on MySpace. We awesome types put that shit up in all those media, because someone who consorts with celebrities is clearly stellar enough to show their lesser friends just what it is that makes this particular fellow here (me!) so goddamned great. In this case, it’s all about proximity…to the star! (Let’s not mention proximity to that obvious hanger-on next to him: That loser wishes he were as close to The Crossroad [as friends call him] as I am.)
This here’s a degree of familiarity that shows one isn’t just a conventional starfucker, but a straight-shooting celeb-consorter. A friend. A brother-in-famous-arms. And it’s important to not distract your acquaintances or peers or friends with cluttersome non-celebrities.
That’s where a handy knowledge of Adobe Photoshop and the specifics of image-doctoring come in. (I use Adobe Creative Suite 2 because it’s piracy-proof. Take that, you license-stealing BitTorrent users!)
(Continued after the jump.)

	OK, good thing we got that jump out of the way, and you made it this far. And now for the lesson. First, get to know the cropping tool. Most image-editing applications have this sort of apparatus, and if you want to get ahead in the realm of showing off your star-partying chops, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of removing non-celebrities from your photos. In this case, I removed the annoying black fellow who kept popping into conversations around the room saying, “I’m Rick Jameson, bitch!” (I assumed it was a pretentious Frederick Jameson reference; social climbers can be so pretentious.) I don’t know his name, but get a good look at him above, because that’s the last you’ll see of that guy in the course of this particular lesson plan.
	Next, make sure you’re well-versed in the various brushes available to you. You’ll need them to remove additional hangers-on, such as the curly-haired idiot in the beret who somehow managed to squeeze the back of his head into my moment of glory with The Crossroad. It’s like he heard the photographer asking, “Hey, David, smile! Let’s get this on film!” and knew that this was his moment to finagle his ugly neck and mini-mullet into the shot. Well, look over here on the left. By matching the brush’s paint color with that of the dark, shady background behind David, and delicately skirting the top of Cross’ shoulder, I’ve certainly showed the mysterious El Beret Assholia a thing or two about the perils of working your way into the limelight. And this particular fucker’s been removed — for posterity.
	So, here we are. Me and The Crossroad. As you can see, I also made usage of the lasso tool and various distortion filters to better convey my newfound cheery demeanor. It’s like it’s just me and David, and he’s just gotten his drink from the server in the jean jacket next to him, and he’s turning back to face me, but I’ve just said something really fucking funny, and he’s laughing at it, he’s clutching his drink, he’s eagerly waiting for me to deliver another great one-liner… We’re buddies, Dave and I. No, you know what? We’re more than that. We’re friendsters. Which is where you can find us trading jokes and LOLing all day long, losers. Because that’s one thing I’m not: a loser.

Desperate Original Video

OMG! Check out our new #$!& Criterion Collection release on DVD!!!!!

Post author By jp
Post date March 13, 2006

Finally, the viral video that changed the world on Friday is available on a special edition two-disc Criterion Collection DVD! Disc One of this collectors edition DVD features a remastered director’s cut with commentary, deleted scenes, production stills, storyboards, and making-of featurette. The OMG! Check This #$!& Out!!!!! experience continues on Disc Two with the HBO documentary The OMG! Check This #$!& Out!!!!! Kid: Where Is He Now?, as well as the earth-shattering defense attorney’s evidence that exonerated the director in the trial that shocked the world.
Check out some of this newly-released content below, including rare outtakes and a sample of the extended Director’s Cut, complete with a commentary track by the film’s star and producer.

Winner: Jury Prize, 2006 Stan Dance Film Festival (Special citation by Stan himself)
“Painterly. And deliciously obscure.” – Manny Farber
“This ghostly film will haunt you like a specter. Boo!” – James Agee
“Take it from me, a real film critic: this film is real and really good. For real!” – David Manning
“You guys made me look like a fat monster!” – Jordan
About the Transfer
OMG! Check this #$!& out!!!!! is presented in its original theatrical aspect ratio of 2.35:1. This anamorphic digital transfer was created from the 35mm interpositive and was supervised by the director. The soundtrack was re-mastered from the original magnetic 6-track masters. The new 5.1 DTS and Dolby Digital soundtracks were remastered at 24-bit; audio restoration tools were used to reduce clicks, pops, hiss, and crackle.
Buy your own copy now!

Desperate Original Video

OMG! Check this #$!& out!!!!!

Post author By jp
Post date March 10, 2006

A friend passed this on to us, and we thought it was so great that we had to share it, and share it, and share it over and over again! Spread this around!!!!

Send this to a friend!

Desperate Shallow

Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated, as Have the Criticisms of Stupid Headlines Like This

Post author By jp
Post date February 22, 2006

Internal Office Memorandum
—
TO: Matthew Haber
FROM: Jean-Paul B. Tremblay
CC: Guy Vincent Cimbalo VIII
—
OK, gentlemen, you were right. That’s really the only explanation I can surmise for this shot across the bow.
Going off to help teach impoverished and undereducated children in the wilds of Ecuador this winter –– whilst concurrently having left behind that online “Reader Feedback” forum –– turned out to be a dreadfully bad idea. Heinous, even. (Though my lack of internet connectivity proved to be beneficial in polishing my storytelling chops; it’s quite striking how my ignorance of all things Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen and Randy “Duke” Cunningham/Mitchell Wade allowed my newfound gift for narrative confabulation to shine at those Quito-based USAID cocktail parties thrown in junction with Rafael and Lucio…I had people actually believing that I was an expert on everything from Supreme Court litmus tests to the canonical ambient compositions of Brian Eno and Harold Budd. Astounding!)
So, like I was saying, that “Reader Feedback” thing for low culture…a fucking bad, bad, bad idea.
The indignant, self-righteous anger that poured forth from said forum! As though people were entitled to free content on the web! I’ve always felt that unless you’re an impoverished Ecuadorian, you’re not entitled to any such handouts. How very wrong I have since been proven.
And now, not only have we disappointed myriad readers, we seem to have incited some form of extremely aggressive hostility. I am humbled and chastened.
Apparently, these “blog” things are hot shit, and we missed the boat on this one, lads. Or I personally dropped the ball. Or darted home without tagging up at third base. Or mixed sporting metaphors. Fuck if I know; my athletic knowledge is limited to the realm of sexual acrobatics, and that’s about it. (My mother once told me a man would fuck a snake if you held its head. I have since learned this is quite true.)
Anyways, let’s a get a cease-and-desist out on these guys…there’s got to be some form of copyright law or anti-parodic justification we can rely on, right? Do either of you know Lawrence Lessig?
Mucho regardo,
jp
P.S.: Guy, I couldn’t help but notice that somehow you managed to escape their assault…I mean, there aren’t any embarrassingly amateur photos of you posted on that site. No Flickr attack whatsoever. So the idea that you were behind this, I have to admit, did cross my mind, though I am willing to give your treacherous ass the benefit of the doubt.

Grave

Delicately sneaking up behind his biggest fan, God decided to forcefully upbraid Little George once and for all

Post author By jp
Post date February 22, 2006

Grave

You’ll see that an acknowledgment of failures in our policy was implicit in my statement, sir.

Post author By jp
Post date January 5, 2006

Via today’s AP: “Bodies lie in the street after suicide bomb attack in Karbala Iraq in this image taken from TV Thursday Jan. 5, 2006”
From “U.S. Has End in Sight on Iraq Rebuilding”, the Washington Post, January 2, 2006:

U.S. officials say comparatively minor sabotage to distribution systems is keeping Iraqis from seeing the gains from scores of projects to increase electricity generation and oil production. To showcase a rebuilt school or government building, meanwhile, is to invite insurgents to bomb it.
If 2006 brings political stability and an easing of the insurgency, Americans say, the distribution systems can be fairly easily repaired.
“The good news is this investment is not in any way lost; they’re there,” said Dan Speckhard, the director of the U.S. reconstruction management office in Iraq. “They will pay off, they will be felt, if not this month, then six months down the road.”

Your concerns will be addressed, people…a mere six months down the potholed, blood-spattered, bomb-shellacked road.

Shallow

I’m more interested in buying a tree, some rope, and some sheets…and throw in the In Living Color boxed set, too, can you?

Post author By jp
Post date January 5, 2006
3 Comments on I’m more interested in buying a tree, some rope, and some sheets…and throw in the In Living Color boxed set, too, can you?

What classic American value! 14 episodes of the under-appreciated “Planet of the Apes” television series, finally available on DVD for a mere $43. I can put it on my shelf right next to other similar items, such as…

Ummm. OK, then. The “Similar Items” list also includes, for what it’s worth, “Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise And Fall Of Jack Johnson” and “What’s Love Got To Do With It (Full Frame)”.
(Thanks to jfajitas.)
UPDATED: Apparently this was already caught by a blogger named SanDiegoJohnny back in October of last year, which somehow makes this even worse, in that it has remained unchanged for months, now, and an entire season of holiday shoppers was exposed to such post-Katrina Kommodity Kommentary.

Grave

“No nation in history has made the transition to a free society without facing challenges, setbacks and false starts.”

Post author By jp
Post date December 12, 2005
8 Comments on “No nation in history has made the transition to a free society without facing challenges, setbacks and false starts.”

The President’s quote in the headline above comes by way of Bush Estimates 30,000 Iraqis Killed, the Washington Post, December 12, 2005…
Fair enough. And what, you may ask, defines a “challenge”? How about the experiences yet to be had by the young girl below, grieving over the corpse of her gunned-down daddy? She can at least always be thankful that he didn’t die in one of Saddam’s infamous torture rooms, because then, you see, she would be angry and bitter about his death at the hands of an all-powerful, violent government entity. It’s so much better this way. Our way. The American way.

“Setbacks”? Here’s venturing a good guess that this kid below underwent quite a setback when his leg was blown off. Really, lad…no child will be left behind, we’ll just expect you to work that much harder to catch up with the rest of us as you hobble along the streets of your newly-democratic Iraq.

“False starts”? An improperly-timed beginning, as in the case of the boy pictured below. Wait, that’s wrong. An improperly-timed end, e.g. this kid never really got to start his life because now he’s fucking dead as a result of an invasion enacted under false pretenses.

Remember, kids, keep those photos coming! We’re compiling the best of them for our limited-edition “God Wanted You to Die” commemorative PDF.

Shallow

Even at this, the moment of his stature’s greatest hype yet, James Murphy still slips under the radar…well, at least that of the Associated Press

Post author By jp
Post date December 8, 2005

From “Carey, Legend, West Lead Grammy Nods“, the Associated Press, December 8, 2005:

[Mariah] Carey’s eight nominations tied John Legend and Kanye West. Soul crooner Legend’s nominations included best new artist, while West is up for album of the year for “Late Registration” and song of the year for “Gold Digger.” “I feel incredible,” said Legend, a West protege whose debut “Get Lifted” was a million-seller. “You put a lot of expectations into what you want the record to be.”
Other multiple nominees included 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani, U2 and Bruce Springsteen.

From the Academy’s list of official nominees:

12. Dance Recording: “Galvanize,” The Chemical Brothers featuring Q- Tip; “Say Hello,” Deep Dish: “Wonderful Night,” Fatboy Slim & Lateef; “Daft Punk Is Playing at My House,” LCD Soundsystem; “I Believe in You,” Kylie Minogue; “Guilt Is a Useless Emotion,” New Order.
13. Electronic/Dance Album: “Push the Button,” The Chemical Brothers; “Human After All,” Daft Punk; “Palookaville,” Fatboy Slim; “Minimum- Maximum,” Kraftwerk; “LCD Soundsystem,” LCD Soundsystem.

See, it’s always good for the DFA-haters to get some perspective.
It’s almost enough to make one think there still exists a segment of the record-buying populace who hasn’t heard Murphy’s debut album. Have these poor people not set foot in an Urban Outfitters this past year?

Grave

This holiday season — I mean, Christmastime — all I want is a constituency with whom I can speak comfortably

Post author By jp
Post date December 6, 2005
2 Comments on This holiday season — I mean, Christmastime — all I want is a constituency with whom I can speak comfortably

An actual quote from our actual president at yesterday’s White House Children’s Holiday Reception:

“This is Laura; I’m George W. We hope you’ve had some fun here. I hope nobody pinched Rudolph on the nose. Nobody did? That’s good. Rudolph is happy about that, too.”

Because it’s a novel endeavor to imply that President Bush is a sub-literate imbecile, get it? That’s the essence of easy laughter.
Just ask top-tier comedy writers everywhere!