Meet your mandate



Expatriation: So hot right now!



“Brain dead” versus “physically dead”: it’s all just semantics, right?

By way of the Associated Press’ breaking coverage of Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat’s death-but-not-death, it’s come out that:

French television station LCI quoted an anonymous French medical official as saying Arafat was in an “irreversible coma” and “intubated” – a process that usually involves threading a tube down the windpipe to the lungs. The tube is often connected to a life support machine to help the patient breathe.

In other words, “brain dead, but not physically shut down.”
Cursed word games! It’s much like trying to pick apart the distinction between, say, a “security fence” and an “imprisoning wall“.


You’re saying it like you mean it (…this time, at least. And it’s not like you’re a lying cunt, right?)

From Bush Wins Second Term: Kerry Concedes Defeat; Both Speak of Need for Unity, Washington Post, November 4, 2004:

An elated President Bush claimed a reelection victory yesterday after a tumultuous night of vote counting and a gracious concession by challenger John F. Kerry, and he pledged that he would seek to earn the trust of those who did not back him during the long, contentious campaign.
In an explicit appeal to those Americans who voted for Kerry, Bush said: “To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support, and I will work to earn it. I will do all I can do to deserve your trust. A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation.

From For Bush and GOP, a Validation, Washington Post, November 3, 2004:

President Bush, his fate for winning a second term still officially uncertain, commanded the popular-vote majority that eluded him in 2000. And in an impressive run of battleground states, he seemed to win validation for a campaign that unabashedly stressed conservative themes and reveled in partisan combat against Democratic nominee John F. Kerry.
Although final judgment is still to come, yesterday’s balloting did in several instances validate important elements of the Bush political model. This strategy has been based from the outset of Bush’s term on carefully tending to the Republican Party’s conservative base, and a governing strategy based more often on trying to vanquish political adversaries rather than split the difference with them.

OC-centric Shallow

Obligatory Pop Culture Entry To Prove We Haven’t Become Humorless Prigs

001OC.jpgThe O.C. is back! Dude, The O.C. is totally, totally back!
And not a minute too soon. Nothing makes me forget the difficulties of being an adult than watching a bunch of attractive actors play out fantasy scenarios of the awesome teen years I never had. After a long day of commuting to work, being belittled and humiliated by employers, forced into small talk with ignorant coworkers, trips to the ATM to see you have less money than yesterday, skimming magazines and seeing images of a good life you will never be able to attain, and commuting home to your tiny, over-priced hovel for another night with the partner you’ve settled on, nothing speaks to you like The O.C., baby!
Guys, isn’t it so awesome that you can ogle the chicks on the show even though they’re underage? It’s like an hour-long suspension of all known statutory rape laws. They’re so much younger than your wife or girlfriend, and it’s a lot safer than talking to girls in AOL chat-rooms or flirting with your daughter’s friends. And you can totally masturbate to it if you watch it in your den with the door closed.
And ladies, isn’t it so great that you get to be in love with that nerd character, even though when you were in high school, you would’ve wanted nothing to do with him and probably spent the majority of your day making his life a living hell? But compared to your insensitive, foul-smelling, hairy-backed manchild of a husband or boyfriend, the so-called man who makes love to you with the repetitive, passionless finesse of a Punch Press, that O.C. geek is like prince charming. You even cut his photo out of Entertainment Weekly. You are too cute!
God, when did your life start to suck so bad that the completely fictional lives of imaginary rich kids become the ultimate escape? If you think about, you almost want to cry. You almost want to shoot yourself with a diamond bullet that would tear you apart, shattering the numbing boredom of your life, the endless trips to the gas station, the loading and unloading of the washing machine, the mortgage payments, the judgmental glares of all those people who think they’re better than you even though you try your best to be a good person, the microwaved leftovers that are still cold in the middle, that feeling you have after three beers on a Sunday, sitting on the couch not quite drunk but dimly aware that this is it, this is all there is to your life. And you’re, what, 32? Jesus.
Yay! The O.C.! Yay!!!
Okay, that was a complete failure. I’ve never even seen The O.C.. I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs 8PM EST, on FOX.


A nation united, at least in our appreciation for primary colors and coastal schisms

TOTALLY DECONTEXTUALIZED FUN WITH ELECTION MOTIFS: John Edwards and his campaign’s “Two Americas” theme


Welcome Back

Four More Years: Powell, Cheney, Bush, Rice, Card, Tenet (resigned), and Rumsfeld
I can’t believe we almost lost you guys. It would’ve been a shame for you all to creep back into the primordial military-industrial ooze from which you came, but luckily for America—and the world!—you kept the band together and the hits will just keep on coming. (POP STAR. That’s rich. Why not THE BOSS?)
Here’s to another fun-filled term. We promise to keep doing our best if you promise to keep doing your worst.
P.S.: Ladies, have your abortions now. Even if you’re not pregnant, have a few while you still can.


We’re Back (Like It Matters)

Hi. Hey, how are you? You look really good. Are you working out? Or, wait, it’s your hair. It looks great! How did we not notice your haircut? It’s so, so great.
Us? We’re alright. I mean, we’re okay. Actually, we’re not so good. You won’t believe the week we had. First, our site went down. I know, it’s nuts! Right before the election! Some software crap. Or server crap. Or some combination thereof. Messy stuff. Stressful, too.
We’re fine now, I think. I mean, we’re still coughing up chunks of phlegm the size of walnuts, but we’re gonna go back to work and stuff. We’ll survive.
Luckily, not much happened in our absence. Oh, that election thing? That’s nothing. We’re not even thinking about it. These new meds our doctor gave us create a cool, calm feeling inside us that makes this election look like… Well, it looks like everything else right now: sort of hazy, flowing like blue-tinted liquid glass that encircles our awareness of reality and encloses the burning rage and despair we feel deep down in the part of us that’s still alive. It’s awesome: you gotta get some medication, you won’t be sorry.
And we got our hair cut, too! Do we look good? Well, we’ll be back to posting shortly, in between cutting ourselves and lighting fires behind our house. It’s good to see you. We really love your hair.


Welcome to the New World You’ve Created


Have a nice decade.