Pillow Talk: The First in a 12 Part low culture Series on Linen Innovations—Linenvations, If You Will

Truly, we are in a golden age of anthropomorphic pillows.
Surely you’ve noticed that the best and brightest minds in the fields of science, design, and, upholstery have dedicated themselves to creating wonderful, almost human pillows the likes of which mankind has never imagined?
Prepare to be dazzled: your head will literally spin at the sight of these amazing pillows. Luckily, it won’t be hard to find somewhere to rest it.002pillow.jpg
First, there was the ‘Boyfriend Arm’s Pillow‘ (U.S. $80), which is a lot like the classic husband, but requires less commitment and no costly wedding ceremony. This pillow may prove to be a major breakthrough after the draft is implemented and the male population in America and the coalition of the willing (Poland! Don’t forget Poland!) drops dramatically. Scientists are already at work on a pillow that can inseminate a woman’s eggs. Can half baby pillows be far behind?
001hugs.jpgActually, they already exist. Scientists at Carnegie Mellon have developed an electrical pillow that allows grandparents to ‘hug‘ their grandkids long distance through a series of vibrations and squeezing motions.
This incredible pillow-based innovation permits grandkids to obviate unpleasant grandma kisses and avoid exposure to toxic grandpa odors. It also prevents too-tight grandkid hugs from shattering grandma’s brittle bones.
Unfortunately, this pillow also eliminates the silver dollars and hard candies traded as currency in the typical grandparent/grandchild hug transaction. (Hard candy pillows, anyone?)
For overgrown male children who continue to dislike hugging gross female humans with their body hair and heart beats, the latest pillow breakthrough may be of some help.
As recounted by the world wide weirdness curators at bOING bOING, the ‘Girlfriend’s Lap Pillow,’ Japanese scientists have developed perhaps the most important pillow-based innovation of the decade.
Combining the up-with-women design philosophy of A Clockwork Orange‘s Korova Milkbar with the idealized proportionality of the very best of female drawings by R. Crumb, this pillow is a must-own for men who love comfort, but hate women’s revolting upper bodies and blabby mouths. (To say nothing of their hair, which sometimes smells of fruit and can get stuck on the tiles in the shower.) This is the ultimate ‘companion’ piece for your terrifying subterranean lair where you make girl suits and stand naked before your video camera speculating on what you’d like to do with yourself if anatomy would just let you.
What’s next for pillows? The sky’s the limit, really. Might we see such innovations as a realistically rendered Diane Lane pillow? Or perhaps a fully articulated Mugatu-shaped pillow that emits a real fur and musk scents that’s also edible? I have no idea. I’ll leave it to the pillow pros.
The future looks bright. Bright and downy soft. Pull up a pillow and rest your head, won’t you?