Satirical Shallow

The low culture interview: Stanley Bostitch Model B440 stapler

Stanley Bostitch Model B440 Stapler, stapler

The Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
I’m a Stanley Bostitch Model B440 stapler. I was made in Taiwan, probably around 2000 and sold at the Staples on Broadway and Havemeyer in 2002. I was “borrowed” from an office at 770 Broadway sometime in late 2002 and I now live in Brooklyn. It’s been a wild journey, but I feel good here. I share a drawer with some envelopes. The shaded, “security” kind. They’re cool: a little guarded, but cool.
Three for Thee
1. Do you have a staples preference?
Do I?!? On my ventral side, I clearly say “For Best Performance Use Bostitch Standard Staples.” Luckily, a box of those were “borrowed” around the same time, too.
2. What is the weirdest thing you ever had to staple?
God. So much crap passes by me every day, I feel like I’m a slush pile reader at The New Yorker. Probably the weirdest thing was a story that literally wound up on the slush pile at The New Yorker. I’d tell you what it was about, but I never read the fiction in The New Yorker. I only read “Talk of the Town,” and even that’s gotten boring lately. Bring back Rebecca Mead, I say! I also stapled a dude’s scrotum once. But let’s not talk about that.
3. Do you feel obsolete with computers and email and stuff?
I did for a while. But then I remembered that I’m a stapler. People will always need staplers. There’s always gonna be some tax documents or print outs that need to be stuck together. And who are you gonna get to do that? Fucking paperclips? Those little bastards are so drunk, they couldn’t hold together Sigfried and Roy! Get it? Anyway, there’s always tape, but that’s a whole other headache. Staplers aren’t going out of style anytime soon.
Proust-low culture Questionnaire
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York’s history would you like to re-live?
Such a good question! Those straight-laced envelopes never ask me stuff like this. I think I’d like to live during Herman Melville’s time (you can look up the dates, right?) so that he could use me. He was a clerk, you know? How awesome would that be to work so closely with the author of Moby Dick and those other books?
9pm, Wednesday night – what are you doing?
Drawer, probably. Sometimes I’m called into service at a moment’s notice when there’s a long article in The New York Times Magazine that’s worth saving but not worth actually reading this week. I’m usually always on call, but I don’t have like a beeper or anything.
Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you’re that type.
I stapled Salma Hayek once. Afterwards, I was gonna ask her “Was it good for you?” but I’m a stapler and I can’t speak. And she was a photo in US Weekly.
Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I thought about it after 9/11 like everyone else. I used to work downtown, and that day is still, like, seared in my brain. I knew another stapler from my old Staples days who lives in Vermont. He’s a typical second home stapler: sits around all week, doesn’t see much work at all, just enjoys the sunshine. During the summer he’s called on to, like, attach some receipts or whatever. It seems like a peaceful life, but you know what? I’m hooked on the New York vibe: I love this town and there’s just so much more here I have to staple.
What’s the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
I’m a fucking stapler, asshole. So, obviously, it’s my suede Prada slip case. If your stapler doesn’t have one of these babies, I highly recommend it. If you’re a cheap fucker, there are knock-off’s on Canal Street. Your stapler will thank you.
Where do you summer?
I’m a Brooklyn stapler, through-and-through. All you ever need is right here in the 718! And in this drawer. Seriously. Dude keeps like everything in here. Hello? It’s called the Container Store: look into it!
Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
Gotta be Norman Mailer. Big-time stapler. I hear he goes through three, four boxes of staples a year. He keeps us going, gives us all hope.
Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
Haha! Isn’t it obvious? Nicolas Cage’s stapler in Vampire’s Kiss.
If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I just wish those envelopes would open up. I’ve known some of them for months and they don’t reveal anything. I’m all about bringing things together, you know?
The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon, reversal of the Sun’s magnetic field, or the Red Sox win the World Series. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
I’d love to staple Michael Ian Black’s lips shut. He was funny on The State and great in the first season of I Love the 80s, but he’s getting on my nerves. I actually hate to say that, because I love Stella, but there ya go. I’d also like to spend some time with my loved ones, of course.

3 replies on “The low culture interview: Stanley Bostitch Model B440 stapler”

Lower than low, I can barely believe what I’m reading. If it wasn’t for my hangover, I’d think I was hungover. Or, uh, something like that. Anyway, this has gone too far. This industry sickens me more than my gas pains from chugging Robitussin nightly. It’s enough to make me quit the biz for good and work the rest of my years as a spokesman for the North Shore Animal League. The goddamn nerve of some people to pull a fuckin’ stunt like THAT. Well listen up bitch, cause I’m about to serve the barium enema to your Vicodin-induced constipation:
Bostitch – you will pay dearly, you worthless scum-stapling asshole!! First, your Arabian-goggled office manager calls MY booker looking for an interview and out of pity we give you one. She begged (and then kneeled, and then sucked) and offered *EXCLUSIVITY* – is there no honor among blowjob queens? Where do you get the fuckin’ staples big enough to pull-off a double-booking with me and Low Culture?? Well Stan, memo to you and your manager: fuck OFF! You will never work in this town again. Never mind paperclips, you’ll be replaced with sticky-cum post-its when I get my way. FedEx your ass to Albany now because govt contracts are the only thing that are gonna support your glue habit. Oh, one more thing SB, tell your friend Scotch C-38 Desk Dispenser to “tape” her bleached anus cause that ho ain’t never getting airtime with us either!!
I will kill white babies over this,
Helen Kushnick

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