In last week’s year-end “lists” issue of the LA Weekly, Joshuah Bearman put forth a wonderful compendium of “Real Names of Classified Concepts in the Military Planning Document ‘Air Force 2025’‘. The list is disturbing, to say the least, in that it’s really, really hard to pinpoint whether or not this list is satirical in scope or merely an illustration of some of the foolish ways in which our tax dollars are spent.
For instance, is the catalog number for military research into these destructive projects really limited to a six-digit range? One would have thought that former Defense Secretary Dick Cheney alone could have brought at least 100,000 ideas to the table when his administration took office. Anyway, here’s Bearman’s list, included below in its entirety:
No. 900481: Destructo Swarmbots
No. 200015: Distortion Field Projector
No. 200023: Surveillance Swarm
No. 900258: Oxygen Sucker
No. 900299: Hunter-Killer Attack Platform
No. 900336: Cloaking
No. 900364: Bionic Eye
No. 900522: Space-Based A.I.-Driven Intelligence Master Mind System
No. 900288: Swarms of Micro-Machines
And INCAPACATTACK: The Strings of the Puppet Master
We here at low culture think the editors of AlterNet, that wacky left-wing “news and opinion” site, have missed a golden opportunity here to follow up on Bearman’s piece above and spew forth some wild, ill-researched conspiracy theories on this past weekend’s devastating Iranian earthquake.
Included forthwith, “Classified, but Extant, Weapons for Eliminating Axis-of-Evil Nations”:
1. No-fault WMD Insurance
2. The Flatline
3. Detonatron 2000
4. Andre 3000 (“shake it like a Polaroid picture”)