Proposed SNL skits for Al Sharpton and Sharpton’s notes to writers

With apologies in advance to Uncle Grambo‘s best buddies, Nummer and H-Bomb, we at low culture were impatiently scouring the basement of Rockefeller Center this afternoon, trying to decide between Pret à Manger and Hale & Hearty for lunch, when we settled upon this top-secret nugget of gold on NBC stationery: a series of notes regarding SNL writers’ proposed skits for this week’s episode, and guest host Al Sharpton’s responses to them. Not promising.
1. “Al as President of Hair Club For Men-‘I’m not just a client, I’m the President'” [This could work. Maybe.–Rev. A.S.]
2. “Shattered Glizz-ass: Finesse as Jayson Blair, and Sharpton as Times managing editor Gerald Boyd” [First, that Snoop language is so done, and second, journalistic navel-gazing is worse than Rudolph doing Versace–Rev. A.S.]
3. “Sharpton as Baptist Minister-turned-informercial pitchman” [Infomercial? Can’t we make fun of something contemporary–Rev. A.S.]
4. “Outkast: Sharpton as Big Boi, and Finesse as Andre 3000” [I’m aligned with Russell Simmons, not L.A. Reid–Rev. A.S.]
5. “Sharpton as Tony Soprano” [David Chase is so 2000. I’m all about 2004–Rev. A.S.]
6. “Sharpton as hotdog vendor outside Republican convention in 2004” [No go: Black folks don’t sell hotdogs–Rev. A.S.]
7. “Sharpton picks Ol’ Dirty Bastard as his VP candidate in 2004” [NO WAY. And it’s Dirt McGirt, you idiots. And you can’t have someone who’s been arrested on your ticket. Or maybe you can.–Rev. A.S.]
8. “Sharpton made over by Queer Eye guys!” [People. You. Are. Getting. Desperate. – Rev. A.S.]
9. “The Ghetto Life: celebrity politician Sharpton visits the urban terrain of NYC” [You have how many wealthy white writers on staff?–Rev. A.S.]
10. “Jimmy’s stoned dorm room character interviews Al on his web cam” [Hello? The digital divide, ever hear of it?–Rev. A.S.]
11. “Al Sharpton meets Mango!” [Mango isn’t even on the show anymore: c’mon, people! Try at least. We’ve got issues like healthcare, education, defense spending, and civil rights to worry about here, not me interacting with some little guy in hot pants. Funny? No. Advancing the issues to shape the Democratic Party platform in 2004? No. Does anyone know if MAD TV brings on guest hosts?–Rev. A.S.]