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It’s funny because it’s true!

Ahhh, ’tis January in an election year- and such a time of great merriment in our nation’s capital! Or so one might think after taking note of various politicos’ comments this weekend at Saturday’s Alfalfa Club dinner, an annual event at which so-called Washington insiders customarily crack wise about various Capitol Hill goings-on. What follows are some samples of this year’s notable jokes.
President Bush on Howard Dean:

“Boy, that speech in Iowa was something else,” Bush said, referring to Howard Dean’s field holler after placing third in the caucuses Monday. “Talk about shock and awe. Saddam Hussein felt so bad for Governor Dean that he offered him his hole.”

President Bush on John Kerry:

“Then we have Senator Kerry. I think Kerry’s position on the war in Iraq is politically brilliant. In New Hampshire yesterday, he stated he had voted for the war, adding that he was strongly opposed to it.”

Vernon Jordan, President Clinton’s former right-hand man, on President Bush:

“Mr. President, I feel like I’m at one of your Cabinet meetings — a blind man in a room full of deaf people. . . . let me take a moment, regardless of whether we are Christian, Jew or Muslim, and thank the Almighty, the one who controls our destiny as a nation — Karl Rove.”

Ok, we get it. Much like the annual speeches at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Alfalfa Club event is an opportunity to gently poke fun at national issues and figures. Both on and off the record, if you will.
Previous dinners, however, have featured a heavy dosage of self-reflexive humor, typified by a few of President Clinton’s choice snippets of years past:
Clinton on Clinton, 1997:

“We must find common ground. We are going to build that bridge to the 21st century — yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Clinton on Clinton, 2000:

”A year from now, I’ll have to watch someone else give this speech. And I will feel an onset of that rare affliction, unique to former presidents. AGDD: Attention-Getting Deficit Disorder.”

As far as the present administration is concerned, the only snippets of self-reflection I could find in this weekend’s public comments came courtesy of the notoriously reclusive Vice President Dick Cheney:

“Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole?” he added. “It’s a nice way to operate, actually.”

Except these weren’t jocular comments presented at the Alfalfa Club dinner, but rather, remarks made to the press after Cheney’s appearance at the World Economic Forum annual meeting in Davos. Ha!

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Grave

The “Unelectable” Impasse

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Three days ago, Sen. John Kerry’s frontrunner-then-nobody-then-frontrunner campaign for the presidency “upset” the powerful lead that former Vermont governor Howard Dean had built up in the race for the Democratic candidacy in 2004. Pundits were startled, and the centrist DLC breathed a sigh of relief. Buried somewhere within this larger story was the surprise candidacy of boyish John Edwards.
And then, of course, there were the candidates’ post-caucus speeches. While everyone has been spewing snark about Dean’s James Brown imitation, even setting his “mad rantings” to outdated mid-to-late-1990s dance beats, few people have been commenting on Kerry’s oh-so-tepid, and oh-so-centrist, victory speech. As far as I can tell, there were no illicit MP3s circulating that featured Kerry droning on about special interests over a score by Philip Glass.
With that in mind, it might be good to gain a sense of perspective here, a few days after the fact.
Today, before New Hampshire’s primary next week, Kerry is “up” in the state’s polls, which can realistically be attributed to both his home state’s geographic proximity and, more significantly, to the jokes and ridicule leveled against Dean, his closest competitor in that state up to this point, both in terms of polling and geography.
Is this really a good thing for Democrats of any stripe? Take another look at the candidates’ Monday-night speeches. Reconsider how passionless Kerry appeared onstage, on this, what should have been the most inspiring night of his decades-long political career. It was, instead, like watching Gore sighing in the October 2000 debates. Dead. Lifeless. Unwatchable.
Contrast Kerry’s discussion with Charlie Rose, I mean, his victory speech, with Dean’s energy and enthusiasm just a few minutes prior:

“Not only are we going to New Hampshire … we’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico,” Dean said with his voice rising. “We’re going to California and Texas and New York. We’re going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. Then we’re going to Washington D.C. to take back the White House.”

Then, of course, to the delight of humorists everywhere, these lines culminated in the release of an animalistic “yowl” of sorts. But, dammit, was it not inspiring? Monday night was the first time in maybe two years or more of watching his candidacy that I genuinely felt a connection with the man’s drive to win. This, incidentally, comes from someone who has long been decrying the manner in which Dean has been presenting himself for the past few months. You know, “angry”, “off the cuff”, “red-faced”, and most damningly, “unelectable”.
But who’s kidding whom here? With Kerry at the helm of the Democratic Party in 2004, defeat is just as inevitable as it would be with Dean spearheading the race for the presidency. You’ll recall how close the 2000 election was, and that was back when incumbent Vice-President Al Gore was riding the wave of years of success and surplus, while Bush merely had the “uniter, not a divider” outsider approach going for him, however inaccurate either of those synopses may have been in reality. And Gore was supposedly a Southern Democrat, to boot.
In terms of policies alone, Kerry (and, for that matter, the plug-and-play John Edwards) is effectively Howard Dean in a different package. Centrist, politically moderate, but with far less attitude, and far less of a genuine public persona…in short, far less personality. Oh, and Kerry is a former military man.
But for all practical purposes, they’re both unelectable this fall. Four years ago, when a cowboy from Texas-by-way-of-Connecticut spent time on his campaign belligerently avoiding questions, sneering, calling reporters assholes, and fending off drinking-and-driving charges––but nonetheless managed to just about legitimately win the election––it might make sense to reconsider Dean’s “unelectable” “anger”. What is anger, if not passion? John “Monotone” Kerry comes off as more robotic than Gore did in 2000, if that’s possible. And perhaps that’s why he was polling so poorly for months on end, until an endless series of attacks on Dean’s anger and unelectability derailed a clean win in Iowa Monday night.
Seen through this light, Howard Dean can still win this thing, both next week, this spring, and in the fall. Just ask Karl Rove: media and personality decide elections in the 21st century, not experience, not policies, not ideology.
Put it this way: they’re effectively the same candidates, despite what the media or the DLC might have you believe, except one guy’s got an almost Clintonian passion for getting elected, while the other embarrassed himself––and the entire Democratic party––by awkwardly riding a souped-up motorcycle onto the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The guy even wore a helmet obscuring his face, which, while certainly promoting responsible vehicular safety policies, nonetheless obscured his face.
Joe Trippi, David Letterman, or John Stewart would never have allowed that shit.
And if worse comes to worse, and we’re going to lose this fall, let’s lose with principled pride, at least. Go Kucinich!

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Grave

Zagat Guide, 2004: State of the Union address

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In which lines that were spoken and events which transpired during President Bush’s January 20, 2004 address to Congress stand in for local restaurants:
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Lines which, when spoken, lead Bush to stare directly into the camera
13 instances, i.e. 13 discrete messages conveyed to his supporters, i.e. 13 soundbites created for the news recaps
0 – 0 – 0 – $$$$
“We ended the rule of Saddam Hussein and…the people of Iraq are free”…”The United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins”…”America will never seek a permissions slip to defend the security of our country”…”We will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq so those nations can light the way for others and help transform a troubled part of the world”…”We understand our special calling…this great republic will lead the cause of freedom”…”This economy is strong, and growing stronger”…”Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase”…”I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy”…”Any attempt to limit the choices of seniors or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare will meet my veto”…”Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. 400,000 fewer young people are using drugs than in the year 2001″…”Tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players, to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now”…”Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases”…”Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives…Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.”
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Lines which, when spoken, lead CNN’s cameras to focus on Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) and his various scowls
3 instances in which this occurred, conveying liberals’ disgust with Bush’s statements
0 – 0 – 0 – $$$$
“The bill you passed gave prescription drug benefits to seniors”…”Had we failed to act, the dictator’s weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day”…”Starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money, tax-free, for their medical expenses in a health savings account.”

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Grave Satirical

Number Three With a Bullish (attitude)

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If you thought he was intense in Betrayal, wait ’till you see him go totally Over the Top!
“Not bad, but a bit stale!”— Variety
“Another well-executed movie poster parody that no one appreciates!”— Entertainment Weekly

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Grave

Election Primer: four letters, starts with “I”

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While elections may be newsworthy in both Iowa and Iran of late, it’s the lack of elections in Iraq that’s generating all sorts of press these days.
Here’s one primer, courtesy of Dilip Hiro, in the February 2, 2004 issue of The Nation. As American presidential candidates begin to discuss “planting the seeds of democracy” and ponder the status of United States-led plans for a “post-Saddam” Iraq, bear the following in mind:

“This internecine power struggle is being conducted under the hegemony of the US occupiers, who have their own scenario of the New Iraq: secular, democratic, unabashedly capitalist and openly tied to Washington politically (with its government committed in advance to welcoming US military bases), economically (with unfettered access to Iraqi oil) and strategically (as a pressure point against the regimes in Iran and Syria).
Washington’s vision is a nightmare to most Sunni and Shiite Arabs. Militant Sunnis, imbued with Iraqi nationalism, are in the forefront of the continuing armed resistance. So far Shiites, three-fifths of Iraq’s population, have generally been quiescent, hoping to emerge as the leading political force by exercising their franchise. But even as early as last April, some 1.5 million Shiites marched to Karbala to commemorate the death of Imam Hussein (martyred in AD 680), shouting, “No, no to America! Yes, yes to Islam!” At Hussein’s shrine, a deputy of Grand Ayatollah Ali Husseini al-Sistani declared, “Our celebration will be perfect only when the American occupier is gone and the Iraqi people are able to rule themselves by the principles of Islam.” Recent demonstrations in the Shiite cities of Basra, Amara and Kut are symptomatic of rising Shiite discontent against Anglo-American occupation.
In the wake of the dissolution of the Sunni-dominated Baath Party, the Shiites are now the most organized community, led by the redoubtable Sistani. In June he issued a religious decree that only directly elected bodies have the right to administer Iraq or draft its Constitution; he reiterated this demand on January 11. In between he stated that he wants clerics to act as watchdogs to insure that Iraqi legislation does not contradict Islam, and he has disapproved of the way the Coalition Provisional Authority and its handpicked IGC altered laws on nationality and foreign investment, both of which impinge on Islamic principles. He has pointedly refused to meet CPA chief Paul Bremer.”

Well, that doesn’t bode well for American plans for a non-Islamic fundamentalist Iraq. And, were there to be democratically-held elections, with 56 percent of the nation’s voters expressing support for a Sistani-styled government, it would certainly be embarrassing for the Bush administration to have sponsored the creation of an Islamic nation built on this Iranian paradigm, what with all of the President’s talk over the past few months of human rights and feminism and democratic principles.

“The only way Bremer can counterbalance the power of Shiites is by co-opting the Sunnis (which has proved next to impossible) and getting them to coalesce with the Kurds. But while Kurds are 95 percent Sunni, they identify themselves first and foremost on ethnic, not sectarian, grounds.And their leaders have been no more eager to form an alliance with the Shiites. Powerful Shiite clerics would most likely oppose Kurdish demands for a federated Iraq, on the ground that in Islam there are different sects but not different ethnic groups.

All talk of “fuzzy math” aside, there is no mathematical way these numbers can lead to any sort of positive scenario for the American architects of the war in Iraq, at least while adhering to respected, internationally-sanctioned principles of democratic behavior. You know, that old adage about “one person, one vote.” In this vein, Monday’s papers documented a day-long march by almost 100,000 Iraqi Shiites in support of Ayatollah Sistani and his vision for an Iraq governed according to tenets of Islamic law.

“American helicopters buzzed overhead as an announcer with a bullhorn urged the marchers onward. ‘Say yes, yes to elections and no, no to appointing the people in any way other than elections,’ he said.”

Admittedly, the protester’s refrain isn’t nearly as catchy as, say, “Hey hey, ho ho, the appointed council’s got to go,” or the even less popular, “Hey hey, it’s time, we Shiites have such scorn for rhyme,” but like all works of translation, the announcer’s cry was better in the original, I’m sure.

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Grave

Don’t blame me: I voted for Red Bull

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Illustration: John Kerry refuels on the campaign trail
Talking Points’ Joshua Micah Marshall has spent the past few days examining the most recent flurry of fluctuating poll results in anticipation of Monday’s Democratic primary in Iowa, and by his measure, one thing seems to have become at least somewhat clear, at least according to Zogby’s polls: John Kerry is, or may very well be, ascending in popularity with Iowa’s voters. And while that last sentence is so incredibly tepid in its support of a position, this hesitancy is important, because, well, we’re dealing with tracking polls, which, of course, haven’t been the most historically accurate source of election data in the past.
Hey, man, John “fucking” Kerry doesn’t give a damn about statistics! He’s riding high on endorsements right now–including one from Iowa’s First Lady, and yesterday’s from former Sen. Bob Kerrey, his similarly-named Vietnam veteran alter-ego, himself a former presidential candidate. Today’s Washington Post features some highlights of Kerry’s speech at a campaign stop yesterday, including this entertaining nugget:

“Do you like the surge?” Kerry hollered Thursday as he piloted his campaign helicopter into Sioux City to whip up his growing legion of supporters. “Do you like the surge? Are you ready to make more and more surge a surprise on Monday?”

Yes, it’s true that we digitally inserted that PowerAde-like sports drink into the accompanying photo, but those lines sampled above are actual quotes.
While Zogby hasn’t yet made their polling data for the elusive 18-24 year-old male demographic available yet, we’re fairly confident that, come Monday, John Kerry will be available in Extreme Lemon Lime, Power Cherry, and Blue Raspberry flavors.

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Grave Satirical

Dean of Hearts

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From the producers of Primary Attractions comes this story of coldhearted betrayal in the cold heartland state of Iowa.
The Nomination was his, but Revenge was hers.

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Shallow

Must-Blog TV

In response to being included in New York magazine’s “Best of New York” balloting this year, the proprietor of greg.org posted a rather sheepish and self-deprecating series of analogies to a few of his competitors in “Best New York Blog”:

“I’m afraid if there’s a weblog equivalent of Sweeps Week programming, I ain’t got it. At best, I’m IFC to Gawker’s Fox; Sundance to Gothamist’s NBC; Jon Favreau to Jarvis’s Aaron Brown; James Lipton to Aaron’s that guy from Full Frontal Fashion. I’d better start drafting my congratulations speech now.”

With that in mind, we took his cue and flushed out his analogies a bit more, even daring to venture outside the five boroughs of New York (it is still called the “world wide” web, right?).

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Grave

Mr. President, please polish these responses before the debates in September

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As expected, the most secretive administration in recent U.S. history has moved into attack mode in the wake of President Bush’s former Treasury secretary Paul O’Neill’s possible “leaking” of “secret” documents to author Ron Suskind for the publication of his long anticipated book (by “long anticipated”, I mean, as of yesterday, when news of O’Neill’s comments initially broke) which is now destined to be an immediate, though short-lived, bestseller, “The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O’Neill”.
O’Neill, appearing on NBC’s “Today” show this morning, has denied any wrongdoing, saying that

the documents were given to him by the Treasury’s chief legal officer after he requested them to help former Wall Street Journal reporter Ron Suskind write a book on O’Neill’s time in the Cabinet.
“I said to him (the general counsel) I would like to have the documents that are OK for me to have. About three weeks later, the general counsel, the chief legal officer, sent me a couple of CDs, which I frankly never opened,” O’Neill said in Tuesday’s interview. He resigned under pressure a year ago in a shake-up of Bush’s economic team.
O’Neill, the first major Bush insider to criticize the president, said he had given the compact disc with the documents to Suskind.
“I don’t honestly think there is anything that is classified in those 19,000 sheets,” said O’Neill, adding only the cover sheet shown on television bore the words “secret.”

President Bush, a notorious baseball fanatic, must be doubly disappointed by the behavior of his former cabinet member, as the flap over O’Neill’s comments inevitably knocks Pete Rose’s revelatory text down a few notches in the cultural radar.
In the interim, Bush (or more accurately, White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett) may want to begin boning up on some responses to this issue for the presidential debates this fall, since these off-the-cuff comments don’t function very well as an adequate and logical defense of his foreign policy of late:

Speaking in Mexico, Mr Bush rejected Mr O’Neill’s claims that he had planned the Iraq war within days of becoming President, and not as a result of the terrorism that shook the US.
“No, the stated policy of my administration toward Saddam Hussein was very clear,” he said. “Like the previous (Clinton) administration, we were for regime change. And then all of a sudden September 11 hit,” Mr Bush said in Monterrey at a press conference with Mexican President Vicente Fox.
Asked if he regretted going to war, given that nearly 500 Americans had now been killed, Mr Bush defended his “tough” decision, saying “history will prove it’s the right one for the world”.

Oh, and as an afterthought, Brit Hume weighs in on the O’Neill matter with some entirely irrelevant, Roger Ailes-inspired logic over at FOX News:

Former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill, who was forced out of the Bush administration in 2002, has criticized the president on everything from his demeanor in Cabinet meetings to the war in Iraq this week. But these recent attacks contradict statements O’Neill made in a television interview just after his ouster. O’Neill told KDKA Television in Pittsburgh last January — “I’m a supporter of the institution of the presidency, and I’m determined not to say any negative things about the president and the Bush administration. They have enough to do without having me as a sharpshooter.”

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Economic Sanctimony

southkorea-fleamarket.jpgThough this will come as no surprise to those who regularly read the news, the latest actions by the United States government once again reinforce the notion that the flimsily-defined conceit of so-called “intellectual property”, or IP, has taken a greater precedence in political and diplomatic relations than, say, human rights, poverty, or feminism.
While it’s highly unlikely that modern-day IP expert Lawrence Lessig is booking the next flight to Seoul to better examine these issues, those in South Korea who profit in the trade of bootlegged Tom Cruise films and G-Unit compact discs are being closely watched by U.S. trade officials. Correction: “priority watched”, which is the official term given by the American officials, who feel that the nation’s relative inattention to policing the trade of copyrighted-but-bootlegged works falls short of the desired standards, to say the least, and could potentially lead to the United States’ enforcing economic sanctions against South Korea in the near future. “Economic sanctions”, of course, are the punitive trade policies against which pundits on both the left and the right customarily speak out.
If you failed history and/or geography, or just have trouble locating smaller nations like Burkina Faso on a map, bear in mind that while South Korea is in Asia, it is not China, the most prominently piracy-prone nation on the continent (but we can’t go about enacting bold economic sanctions against our pseudo-communist, secretly-capitalist cheap-goods trade partner, right?).
In that vein, the gist of the complaint seems to be leveled against “online piracy” moreso than the old-fashioned street vendor system. While it’s understandable that the American entertainment industry would want to protect its own interests, it’s nonetheless hard to empathize with the record labels and studios of late, what with all those lawsuits against music fans and increased ticket prices and screener bans and “fair use” violations.
South Korea, remember: you’re on “priority watch,” lest you wind up in the “Axis of Sanctions,” joining your neighbors to the North, as well as Syria, Libya, and Burma, to name but a few.
Because, of course, it’s only fair to group IP violations with human rights issues, right? And that’s why the United States is considering sanctions against China, Israel, and Saudi Arabia, et al. Oh, wait…the U.S. is not considering sanctions against these nations?
I’m sorry, I must having been too busy watching my illegally downloaded double-CD DivX copy of “The Mirror Has Two Faces” to have expected the United States to have a consistent set of values in its multilateral relations.